My Ride On The Wagon

Inching Along

2012-01-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

Well I am making progress, but it is still slow going. I am not going to give up, however, and I will take every little ounce of weight loss. I vow here on this post, that this is really really going to be the time I finally do it. It may take awhile, but heck, where exactly am I going? What else is there to do, but keep on keepin' on. I am having missteps along the route, but that was to be expected. I used to follow a blog, where the writer proclaimed that once he started losing weight, he never never ever had a gain at any of his weigh-ins, and he said everyone could do it (but then ticked me off when he said people who did have gains were not trying hard enough and were making excuses). Well, I do have an excuse- it's called life!! And hopefully, if you are reading this, you are alive and enjoying yours!

I still occasionally want a real Coke and not a diet, and I still don't always order a salad when we go out to eat, and I still come home pathetically exhausted and skip the treadmill, we do go out of town and I miss a Weight Watchers meeting. It happens, it's going to continue to happen, but I'm not going to let it happen enough that it totally derails me.

At the start of the year, I decided to try weighing every morning. I know, you really aren't supposed to, I've read articles that say it can get you obsessed with the numbers. But, I also read an article that said, people who weigh every day, don't have as many gains because they are more aware. I bought a nice calendar and put it on the back of the bathroom door, next to my scales. I weigh at the same time every morning. I make notes about what I did that day- did I eat lunch out, did I not exercise. I found that in the past, when I weighed myself once a week, I would be shocked on the weeks where I had a gain, and would try to figure out where it came from. Now, I can see it happening daily, and it really has made me focus more.

I keep track of the goals I've made for myself, and made notes at the bottom of the page for "monthly" goals- not all are weight-related. I track my five-pound milestones, where I reward myself with another charm on my bracelet (I go ahead and buy the next one, and keep it pinned up on a board in my closet so I can see what I will treat myself to).

So far, so good on my wagon ride this go round. Yee Hah!

SANDY

Grateful

2012-01-15T04:43:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been wanting to give up. I missed the last 4 WW meetings, I haven't been on the treadmill since before the holidays. My weight has been going up and down, up and down the last few weeks. Yesterday I just did not want to get up and make it to my meeting- it's easy to blow off leaving the house at 7:30 AM on a Saturday, just to go weigh in. In fact, all I wanted to really do, was sleep in.

But then James reminded me of all the progress I've made so far, and I shouldn't give up, and I should go to the meeting. I've been feeling sort of down lately about how SLOW that progress has been. I thought when I started back to WW in the fall, I'd be well under 200 pounds so far. I haven't been under 200 since before we were married, and that thought makes me fairly sad. I think, for a lot of people, the first major goal is having your weight start with a '1' finally.

I whined that we are gone out of town so much, I am paying monthly to sometimes only go to a meeting once a month. He said, so what- go when I can, but don't give up completely just because I can't get to 100% of the meetings. So I went yesterday and found that I had succeeded with my goal for the holidays- which was to maintain and not gain the dreaded "holiday season" weight. And I made it through. I weighed exactly to the ounce, what I weighed the last time I went to WW back on December 10th. For some people, not having lost anything in a month, would be a disappointment. But for me, to make it through all the festivities and food of Christmas and New Years, and come out on the other side without even an extra pound- was astounding.

So I am grateful- if my husband hadn't encouraged me to go to my meeting this week, I doubt I would have. And by not going to the meetings- the accountability, the helpful tips, to see other success stories- that's usually when I fall back off the wagon and start embracing the old unhealthy habits- it seems easier and more comfortable to do that. But, I'm not comfortable with myself or my weight.

I know there are a lot of really amazing and wonderfully supportive husbands out there, but I know for me, James is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing that he cares, and that he's proud of me, makes me want to work even harder at it.

My current goal was to get down to 200 before our cruise. It is less than 30 days away now, and even though I don't think I will lose the whole 16 pounds by then, I'm not just going to throw up my hands and say I'm not going to even try. I'm going to work at it, and if I only lose 5 pounds, or 10 pounds, I am going to be okay with that and keep moving forward.

SANDY

(New Years Eve in downtown Atlanta 2011- isn't he so handsome all dressed up?!)

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

I did sort of good over the holidays, but not as great as I had hoped for. Then again, I didn't work as hard at it as I should have. Although from Thanksgiving to Christmas, I lost a few pounds- from Christmas through New Years I found them again! It was too hard at Christmas to not enjoy my mom's cooking while my parents were visiting. Then a week of leftovers were too convenient while I was working 12+ hour days. New Years was a three day celebration in downtown Atlanta that included lots of really great meals out.

With the new year, comes a clean slate, and like millions of others I'm ready to get back to program. I've missed the last three Weight Watchers meetings, and will miss next week's as well. Then right away in February I'll miss two more meetings when we go on vacation. I've got to realize that staying on program is an every day, every meal decision. It should have nothing to do with whether or not I'm going to make it to weigh in at the meeting that week. I am tired of going up and down on the scales. I know that December is the most trying month at my job, demanding extra extra long days, but it's over and I hope that January will bring a little relief and more time at home to take care of myself.

I'm happy with the weight I lost in 2011, and grateful that I made the effort to keep it off over the holidays. I've got a long road ahead of me, and for me it will take a great deal of dedication to continue. From using my time wisely for exercise, to organizing my points/meals, and keeping my focus on my goals instead of my distractions.

SANDY

The Holidays Start...

2011-11-23T11:44:00.000-08:00

I didn't do as poorly on our trip to Atlantic City as I feared. Eating out, I had entree salads quite a bit, and as I predicted it did not lessen my enjoyment of our vacation. I did have a few too many snacks here and there, especially once we discovered the gigantic gourmet cupcakes at one of the hotel's bars. Yikes. I only indulged twice- they were so big and so good, I could have easily eaten one for all three meals every day. We did a lot of walking on this trip, climbed a lighthouse, walked the boardwalk, strolled all over an aquarium, even toured an entire battleship. So I don't feel as though I skimped on exercise.

I came back with an extra two pounds, but that was easy enough to shed. Yesterday we had the big company luncheon for Thanksgiving, and I only had a salad again. I sat at the table with all my co-workers, and we talked and visited and I didn't mind that they were eating mac and cheese and mashed potatoes in front of me. In fact, I enjoyed my salad so much I barely noticed what they had on their plates.

Starting tomorrow we're visiting family from Thursday through Sunday, in Tennessee and then the Georgia Mtns, so another four days of meals out. Where I have control over my choices, I will eat what is healthiest. When I am staring at the family smorgasbord, I'll enjoy it by limiting portions. Hopefully I'll get a walk or two in over the weekend.

I haven't been to Weight Watchers the last two weeks, and I will miss again this weekend. The month of December I plan to put my nose to the grindstone with my weight loss efforts, and get through the rest of the season without any kind of gain. As soon as we get back from our Thanksgiving visits, I will hit the grocery store to stock up on "salad fixins" and plenty of fresh produce. I will end the holidays 2011 wearing the same size pants I started off in!

SANDY

All Is Well

2011-11-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

I had a slight slip up this week, but nothing I am going to beat myself up about. It was more like I made decisions based on my old behavior, instead of reframing the situation so that I made the right decisions. One night this week found James and I out late, running errands before we could even get home from work. We stopped for dinner at the one place that was conveniently located near all of our stops- my old foe China Buffet. I have avoided this place for many many months now. I don't particularly care for buffets to begin with, because I think most of them lack quality food, so we don't usually go to them. For me, a Chinese buffet is even more dangerous than any of the others.

Although I only got one plate- and I was happy to see they had new, smaller plates now- everything I brought back to the table was fried. I could have made wise choices there- steamed veggies, chicken without gobs of sauce, fresh fruit instead of fried doughnuts. I'm unhappy that I did not even look at the healthier options, and instead fell back on my old favorites that were greasy and fried and dripping with sauce. I know one meal out is not going to derail me, but to continue to repeat this cycle of eating out poorly, is what got me to the weight I am now. I don't want to sit there next time and just drink water- I want to be able to enjoy the meal, without the million fat grams and, even heavier, the guilt.

We leave for our trip tomorrow, and I'm going to try to not feel so much anxiety over "gaining weight" yet I don't want to give myself permission to completely fall off the wagon just because it's vacation! Instead I'm going to try and look at this as an opportunity to give serious thought to my food choices BEFORE they end up on my plate.

SANDY

Size Does Matter!

2011-11-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

So I confess, I did have one of those startling moments that kicked my butt into gear as far as getting this weight off. And that would be the clothes in my closet! Now that the weather has cooled off, I saw that my long-sleeve shirts from last winter are all 2X, and I've been in a 3X for awhile now. Despite the fact that I love to go shopping, I realized that I did not want to have to go buy a whole new winter wardrobe because I can't fit into last year's items. I already did that once this year- in the spring I had to go buy all new (bigger) clothes for this summer. I've got plenty of clothes in my closet- from sizes regular large up to 3X, and I would really rather concentrate on fitting into what I already own. It's nice to go clothes shopping because you want to, but it sucks to go because you MUST.

I had another good loss this week- 2 more pounds- and I wasn't sure that it would happen. I did a terrible job of tracking my points and we were out of town last weekend. Weekends always set me back- we go out a lot and although I am doing a lot better on making choices at restaurants, I still sometimes slip up. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it this time. My goal is to keep a steady loss of one to two pounds a week, but I know there will be weeks when it doesn't happen. In the past, I've always gotten discouraged about a gain. I can't let it get into my head this time.

At Weight Watchers this week, our topic of conversation was closely related to that. A lot of people- including me- let one week of gaining set them back both mentally and diet-wise. I have certainly done that before- on weeks where I thought (or knew) I would have a gain, I would decide not to go to my meeting. Then I would just tell myself, since I'm not weighing in this week I might as well just relax the diet and enjoy. That is a trap I can't let myself fall into this time. I'll be 45 next month. I do not want to enter my next decade of life heavy and unhealthy and tired.

Challenge for this week is our upcoming vacation next weekend. I have to remind myself that visiting another city is NOT license to eat whatever I want and however much of it I can inhale! Will I really enjoy Atlantic City any less because at lunch I have a salad with light dressing, instead of a huge bacon cheeseburger?? I should hope not!

SANDY

Digging Deep

2011-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year where I'm going to have to dig deep and get through all the rough patches. There are so many distractions right now that could easily derail me from my progress, but I am trying my best to stay focused on my GOAL. There are certainly the approaching holidays, which we will all have to deal with- James and I go away for Thanksgiving, and host my parents for Christmas (mom's cooking!), and a birthday bash weekend for me on New Year's. We also have a vacation scheduled in two weeks (five days in Atlantic City!!), and it's always SO hard not to indulge when we're out of town. Even quick weekend trips here and there add up. I've never been one to pack my carrot sticks to take in the car with me- although I probably should be.

I usually start to go astray at this point on Weight Watchers. I'm not near a computer to track my points faithfully, I miss meetings and the all-important weigh-ins because I'm gone on weekends, and I fall out of the routine of getting on the treadmill every day. But this year I don't want to completely get lost during the shuffle of the holidays. I don't want to gain the typical holiday pounds. I don't want to go crawling back into my meetings sometime in mid-January and my leader not remember who I am. I don't want to have to dust off my exercise equipment in the basement before I use it again.

I have a quote on my desk at work: Good habits result from resisting temptation. I will not be tempted to overeat at holiday gatherings and parties. I will not be tempted to collapse on the couch every evening after work instead of exercising. I will not be tempted to gain "just a few pounds" because it's Thanksgiving.

I am proud of the weight I've lost these last few months, and I want to do everything I can to keep pushing forward and not slide backwards. I know everyone who is trying to lose or maintain their weight, has the same battles this time of the year. And this holiday season, I want to win the whole war!

SANDY

Woo Hoo- I'm REALLY Back!

2011-10-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm finally back. I am happy to say that shortly after this photo was taken this summer, I put my butt into gear and started going back to Weight Watchers. And exercising again. That's all it's taken, and I'm down almost 20 pounds already (my tracker is at the bottom of the page). With so much going on in my life right now, I knew it was getting to be now or never for me to finally get these pounds off. And be serious about it, not just talk or whine or complain about what wasn't working for me.

No one knows better than I do, how great WW works- I still have the size 12 jeans I was wearing just in 2004 when I lost close to 90 pounds. And I have the size 20 I was wearing after I lost my mind and stopped following the plan.

I've spent too long making excuses for myself. My work schedule, my various medical issues, my physical pains, blah blah. Most of those reasons will disappear once I actually shed the weight anyhow!

I know one of the most important aspects of weight loss, is not just what you eat or how much you move, but support. I have the support of friends and family, but none of them are struggling to lose weight the way I am. So I am back on the blog, to catch up with my old favorites, and hopefully find new inspiration out there.

Thanks for all of your patience and hanging in there with me!

SANDY

Bye For Now

2011-04-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

(Taken on our vacation, Santa Monica Pier three weeks ago)

Well, I have decided to shut down this blog for now. I have not made any progress on my weight loss or health- none whatsoever- since starting this, which tells me I am not serious about losing weight. When I do finally make a true commitment, I will be back on here. But no use in wasting everyone's time, by getting on here every few months and making bad excuses. I will still read you all, but I won't be posting for awhile. Please take care, and come see me on my other blog. Thanks.

SANDY

New Technology!!

2011-03-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

This is just a test. I finally got an iPhone so I'm playing with it. Wow, this should make it easier than ever to keep up with my blog and my Weight Watchers online!

Recovery

2011-03-12T15:01:00.001-08:00

2011 has been a bit of a bust for me so far, and the first quarter is almost over already. I had expected to be well into my newly energized efforts to lose weight, and yet it has gone nowhere. The reason is here, over on my other blog. 2011 started off great- for the first week. Then the situation with the shoulder started on Monday of week two, and now I am recovering from the surgery and am still in a great deal of pain.

Tomorrow I am going to try getting on the treadmill for the first time this year, and see how it goes. I will have to be careful about not swinging my arms, which I normally do when I walk. Right now, if I move my arm the wrong way just a little bit, it feels like someone blasted into my shoulder with a shotgun. It is still nearly impossible for me to get a good night's sleep, I can't find a position where I'm not in pain. I go back next week to Emory, to get evaluated. I still can't raise my arm over my head, and I can't stretch my arm all the way in front of me.

Spring is here in the South with a vengeance, everything is blooming, we're having weather in the 70's. I am ready to get out and start gardening, but right now my body is still holding me back. It sucks to be in pain, and although I do have a pretty high tolerance, I can also be a wimp when it comes to body aches. I realize I do use it as an excuse sometimes, but as soon as this shoulder heals, I am going for broke. I was only out of work for three days after the surgery, but the whole time I sat around eating cookies and drinking Coke. And I wonder why I never have any energy!

I'll be back on here soon, it still hurts to work at the computer, so it's not my favorite thing to do right now. As much as I want to blog more frequently. Hopefully soon.

Sandy

(Some of the kitties helping me recuperate on the couch.)

Three Weeks

2011-02-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

Three weeks- that's how long I have until the surgery on my right shoulder. After meeting with the orthopedic oncologist this week at world-renowned Emory, he decided that whatever the little blips are that showed up on my MRI, are most likely benign. Which is certainly what we wanted to hear. But, I still have to have surgery. They will remove the mass, send it off for a biopsy, then do a bone graft. He said he will use a synthetic substance and that my bone will eventually grow over it, and that even an MRI won't be able to differentiate. The procedure is out-patient surgery, I'll be in a sling for about 1-2 days, and out from work for a week. Then about six weeks before I will be considered 100% recovered and can resume all activities.

The only problem is, they are not sure that this is the issue that is causing all the excruciating pain in my shoulder. There is still the large calcium deposit attached to a tendon right in the same area, and a lot of fluid building up there as well. My local orthopedic surgeon believes THIS is what is causing me pain. So there is a potential that I may need another surgery shortly up the road.

I am agreeable to whatever it takes, it has been five weeks of this and I can't take much more of it. Right now, they have me on so much pain medication- including Percocet and Oxycontin and two different muscle relaxers- I'm surprised I can put my shoes on the correct feet. But, I'm still chugging along at work, and trying to hide from everyone exactly how much pain I am in. I don't even think my husband realizes how much I hurt. I have to work this Saturday, I'm off on Sunday, but then starting on Monday James and I will be both be working 12 straight days without a break as we finish up our company's massive computer conversion. I am hoping like crazy that I can get through this.

For weight-loss related news, at least the numbers are moving in the right direction this week. The weight that I lost was not caused by any real effort on my part, I think it's more that I've been living off saltine crackers and ice water. The pain meds have killed my appetite and made me horribly nauseous. But, my weight did creep down a little, so I will count that as a victory for this week. At least something good has come about from all of this! Can't wait to play the Wii again, I miss it.

I will post again soon. Thank you all!

Sandy

Time Standing Still

2011-02-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here is the view from my back deck today, I've taken photos from here before and posted, and I never get tired of looking at the landscape. I'm lucky I don't live all crowded-up in a tight neighborhood. I've been sitting out there reading, James had to work today, and it's so gorgeous and sunny out, hard to believe the Weather Channel says we may have more snow again this week. I don't think I'll ever see any development to spoil my view, and I hope I don't, but you never know.

I have not been ignoring my ticker tracking my weight- the number on my scale has not moved in the last two weeks. I am not surprised because I don't feel as though my efforts have been all that committed. I feel I do well during the day at work, because I stay limited to what I packed in my lunch box- for snacks, for lunch, one diet soda. And I am counting and tracking my Weight Watchers points. But the evenings have sort of tripped me up. We continue to eat out too much, but I continue to make poor choices, compounding the problem. We've been eating out because of our ongoing long hours at work, and because I never plan ahead for dinners.

One night this week I cooked up a big batch of something in the slow cooker, but it was hardly edible. This morning I put a turkey in the oven at 7am, and while I was out running errands, James took it out and carved it up. So hopefully that will encourage us to make a few dinners from it. Our problem is, by the time we get home from work, there is no time to cook dinner, we need something that can get to the table in about five minutes. It's been about 8 hours since we had lunch, and there's no time for me to spend even 30 minutes on making dinner. So we talk ourselves into stopping to eat on the way home. Unfortunately, there's only one restaurant directly in our path homeward, and I'm about sick of it.

Right now, it's been hard on both of us, because so much time is being spent lately on me- doctor's appointments, trips to the pharmacy, and just me being in agonizing pain. I get through my workday watching the clock, wondering when I can take another pain pill, and how long it will be before I can punch out and run for the door. I go to Emory University up in Atlanta on Wednesday, for yet another specialist to look at my shoulder. A month now, and no one has been able to stop the pain. This new doctor is an orthopedic oncologist, and he's going to look at the suspicious spots and dots that showed up on my MRI- inside the bone of the head of my humerus.

With other things looming over me, it's been hard to contemplate how many calories are in the caesar salad, or how many points I have left to use on dinner. It is still a work in progress for me, as it always seems to be, and I feel like I never ever move forward towards my goals.

This weekend, it was our five year wedding anniversary. Instead of enjoying the moment, all I could think of that morning when I weighed is that I've gained 40 pounds since then. Sad, why I focus so much on something that I do so little about.

SANDY

Happy First Week, Sorta

2011-01-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I had a great first weigh-in, and that was actually the highlight of the week! I had to go to the ER one night this week, with the pain in my shoulder- it was bringing me down to my knees. Found out it is most likely a torn rotator cuff, in the opinion of the ER doc, but of course only an MRI can tell me that for certain. I don't know what it is, I only know it's been two weeks now and the pain gets worse with every passing day. She recommended an orthopedic surgeon, and I am struggling with just gritting my teeth through the pain, or taking precious time off from work when I know my boss would rather me not. They gave me shots, and lots of prescriptions, but nothing is easing the pain. Even good sleep eludes me. My massage therapist, who normally works on my back, seems to think I just strained/sprained something in my neck or shoulder- she says I'm not hurting in the "right" place for it to be rotator cuff-related. But she too recommends seeing a doctor to make certain, and to get something for the pain.

So for now, it looks like I have only the "diet" side of the diet & exercise equation at my disposal. I don't think exercise is going to play a part in my weight loss for a little while. I am still at the "heat and gentle stretching" portion of my recovery. I am hopeful that this is just a minor setback. The thing I keep hearing from everyone is to slow down at work and take time off- everyone, that is, but my boss who has not shown one flinch of sympathy or understanding for me. Oh well, I told a co-worker the other day that with millions out of work, I can't continue to complain because I have TOO much work.

I am struggling to learn Weight Watchers' new points program. On one hand, there's the cynical side of me who thinks they simply revamp their programs every few years so they can sell new books and food guides and points calculators. But the other half of me wants to believe that they've uncovered new science to support their new formulas for figuring out points. I say that because, I've had my "Dining Out" guide for about 3 years now and I have everything underlined, highlighted, paperclipped, sticky-noted, and my scribbles all over the place. Not only for the restaurants listed in their guide, but all the information I dug up on my own, through nutrition charts on websites, brochures, etc. All of this hard work is of course with the old points system, so it is basically useless. I could say that I would just stick with the old points that I already know, but when I signed up to use eTools online, they are already using the new system.

Having said all of this, no matter what the points, I know if I eat less of them, I will drop the pounds! So with that in mind, I'll keep moving forward.

Sandy

Smooth Sailing

2011-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

No photo today, as I'm on my laptop and I don't have any personal photos loaded on here yet. I'm still getting used to typing on it, I've never had a laptop before, even for work. This has been a good week, and now that I'm counting points again on Weight Watchers, and tracking online with their eTools, I feel more in control. I haven't felt that in awhile, I have just been eating all day without any thought behind what I was cramming down my throat, and without being mindful of the portions. I know there are people out there who abhor having to count points or write down what they eat or get out the old measuring cups, but for me, it has been the only thing that has ever worked. Having it there written down in front of me, makes me feel more responsible for my actions, because they are staring back up at me. And neither of us wants to blink first!

I have had a major setback on the exercise front. Last weekend I woke up with what I thought was a small crick in my neck (do you all know what that means, or is that strictly a Southern term?), and it has spiraled 10 days later into me going to the urgent care center last night in almost unbearable pain. They said it's a muscle sprain and spasms, but I believe I have torn something in my shoulder, probably just a muscle. It is a deep, searing, constant pain that nothing has alleviated. Not drugs, heating pads, massages, stretching. And certainly keying at work for ten hours a day is not helping, because of course it's my right shoulder. The only thing I can think of, is I somehow did this playing on the Wii last weekend- whether it was playing the golf or the baseball- and so I have been basically creeping along in misery these past two weeks. Exercise is not going to be on the near horizon for me, so the Weight Watchers program is going to be it for right now.

I am actually looking forward to my weigh-in on Friday morning, excited and curious, and hopefully I will like what I see. We've been out to dinner twice this week, and I got salad and water both times. A big change for me, but I enjoyed the meal and especially the time with my husband. So, I don't need to have a huge burger with extra mayo, in order to enjoy a nice night out. I have to change my thought process, before I can ever hope to change my bad eating habits.

Sandy

Quick Update

2011-01-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

I am at work, so just a super quick update. I am tuckered out, just like my kitty above. The flurries we were expecting, turned into a gigantic mess of a snow and ice storm that shut down this area all week. More on that later, other than to note it has been an insane week, and I have to work all this coming weekend. I've signed back up for eTools on Weight Watchers, and now that I have my fun little mini laptop, I figure I will be able to keep up with tracking my food and exercise. I plan to go back to counting Points on Monday, the only thing that has ever worked for me in the past. Glad I can say I am making positive steps for a change! Will post again on Sunday, once I get home from work.

Sandy

Looking For Inspiration

2011-01-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

I'm here alone for awhile this morning. Our company got on the road home a bit ago, and James went out to take care of some car maintenance for my Saturn. I worked yesterday, so I'm a bit of a slug this morning- coffee, the paper, breakfast. We are expecting snow to start later today, last through all Monday and perhaps even Tuesday. But snow in the South isn't much compared to the rest of the country (see below, Christmas Day). For us, one inch is something to get the population stirred up about. Not to mention the dreaded black ice.

But this morning, it is bright and sunny and clear, if only 22 degrees. The critters are active in the backyard at all our many feed stations- birds, squirrels, deer, possum- there's something out there for everyone. Everyone is fattening up for the winter, and I guess I am too. I had my too-typical breakfast this morning, a bagel with cream cheese. It's a habit I most definitely want to break. I love bagels, and we keep buying them, but after the current stash is gone I'm going to have to put a ban on bagels- they are too tempting to me. I've never been much for breakfast staples like bacon and eggs, or sausage and gravy. For me, it's the bagel that is my worst breakfast-enemy.

Still, that wasn't going to be the topic of my post this morning. Since getting back on my blog, I've been checking up on all the old blogs I used to read. I've noticed a lot of them are either shut down, or folks haven't posted for many many months. I know on my own blog, I've posted sporadically, so someone could have easily decided that I was not on here any longer. So I decided to try to trim down my blog roll, and to update it. I'm deleting the blogs that are closed, and I am hoping to find new blogs for inspiration. I know I don't have many followers on either of my blogs, and that's okay. I don't get a lot of comments, but I rarely leave comments. And I know that if I'm not out there on other folks' blog, no one will know I'm over here. Unfortunately, I am so limited with my free time, I am not able to spend a great deal of it leaving comments, even when I do read their blog. And when I'm trying to find new blogs, the only way I know how to look for them is to go on other blogs and just check out who is following them.

I do like reading where other people are going on their own weight loss journey. Most of the time, I can relate. I can relate to the struggles, and I am a sucker for a great success story. I like knowing that there are a lot of other people in this world, who are exactly at the same spot in life that I am, who fight against their ever-expanding waistline, who stumble but get back up, who keep going, and who finally get to that place where we are all hoping to be one day. Most of the days, I do not succeed, but for 2011 I have decided to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time, and try to be happy no matter the outcome. So I'm on the hunt for new blogs to inspire me, and if you are reading me, please let me know and I will be sure to read your blog as well. Thanks!

Sandy

She Shoots, She Scores!!

2011-01-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

I guess one way to stay focused on weight loss, is to set GOALS! Not just a number on a scale, but real milestones for life. Although I certainly do have the ultimate weight goal of 140. There are a lot of moments in life where I've said to myself- this would be SO much better if I was not overweight. So here are a few goals I have, in no particular order.

Hiking- Something I used to enjoy in the fall and winter was hiking, and I used to go fairly frequently to hike at the local state parks. The last few years, I haven't had the stamina to keep up, and my lower back issues always seem to get in the way. I know losing weight will not only help my back, but it will allow me to hike farther and keep up with my tireless husband. GOAL: I haven't hiked in almost two years, and I would like to go again by later this spring.
Falcons- Yes, the Atlanta Falcons. We are season ticket holders, and we have a playoff game next week. Only problem for me is that we have a long walk to the Dome from where we park- up stairs and ramps. And our seats are the last row up in the last section. Great seats, but by the time I get up there, it takes me nearly 10-15 minutes of trying to catch my breath because I am so winded. GOAL: By the time next season starts, I want to be able to cruise up to our seats with no effort whatsoever.
Clothes- I talk about clothes a lot on my blog, because it's the one thing that I can't avoid. I have to put on an appropriate outfit every morning for the office, and it is getting harder to find stuff in my closet that isn't w-a-y too tight. Tight clothes not only make me very very self-conscious, they are also extremely uncomfortable and in some instances, get in the way of me working. I've had days during the summer where I wrap up in a sweater because I am embarrassed by the bulges that tight pants or a snug blouse show. GOAL: By summer, I would like to be in a size that doesn't start with a number. Just a regular XL would be good with me right now.
Photos- I love to take pictures of everything- landscapes, the cats, my family. But at my size, I can't stand to have my photo taken. All I see when I look at the pictures is how wide I am or how fat my face is. I think that's why I'm always the picture-taker, so I won't be in the photos. James will snap my picture when I'm not looking, but I can't stand to see them- especially if I'm standing around other people who are half my size. GOAL: By the time we take our annual fall cruise, I want to be able to enjoy the vacation photos instead of trying to hide the ones with me in them.
Exercise- This is my biggest goal, even more than losing weight. Right now, I never have any energy, I have aches and pains all over, and I'm on about six or seven different prescription medicines. I know exercise will take care of all of that. I used to enjoy walking, around the neighborhood or on the treadmill, and I have gotten away from that. Hence, the weight is creeping back up. I stay SO tired all of the time, and some days I can barely move with my backaches, and I know that a regular exercise program is the answer. I've always had a hard time watching what I eat, but exercising for me is actually easier than dieting. But lately I haven't been doing any of either. GOAL: By summer, I want to be in the habit of walking every evening, and get in longer walks on the weekends.

Those are just a few simple goals, nothing outrageous like liposuction or a trip to Paris. If I could do any or all of the things on the list above, and accomplish them in 2011, I will be very very satisfied with my life. I just turned 44, and as far as I'm concerned I'm only halfway through my life, but the way I feel lately- I might as well be 80!

SANDY

How Bad Is It....

2011-01-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

It has gotten pretty bad, at least for me. I am to the point where I officially have to lose 100 pounds to get to my ideal healthy weight. I am at the largest size the regular department stores carry in their Plus section, and I am straining the seams on those clothes. I feel like I just had to buy this bigger size, and now I have already outgrown it. I have become the person I dreaded the most- the stereotypical middle-aged fat woman, wearing big flowy tops with loud prints (see photo below from last week), lots of clunky jewelry, and gigantic handbags. I am not sure if I am trying to hide behind it all, or make myself look smaller compared to such larger accessories. There is definitely nothing dainty or ladylike about me these days.

Lately I am always the biggest person in the room- at meetings, at parties, at restaurants, at family gatherings. I am the size I was seven years ago, when I knew I'd had enough and I was determined to lose it all. And I did, in a year. But I've spent the last six years gaining it all back. This past year or so has been the worst of it, the most dramatic increase. Since I started back to work 14 months ago, I've gained almost 40 pounds. And I don't know why because I feel like my habits are pretty much the same as they've been the last 4-5 years.

My exercise has always been so inconsistent, and my diet has always been horrendous. And I know A + B = C...as in Cow, which is how I feel today as I sit here. I don't want to wake up one day in a few more weeks, and realize I will have to go to Lane Bryant to buy yet another round of bigger sizes because I can't breathe in my tight pants. And most of all, I'm tired of the low energy and poor health and, on some days, depression- all of which I know are tied into my weight and diet. I was shocked again this year when I had my physical and the test results showed my blood sugar and cholesterol were fine. I am fortunate somehow to have dodged those two potential killers. But, as always, my blood pressure is terrible even on medication- and especially lately with the extra stress at work.

Although this week, we are still cleaning out the fridge and cabinets of all the holiday treats and junk, next week we will start with a fresh grocery list in hand as we head to Publix. James has truly enjoyed having the Wii, and even on nights when he gets home super late and he's very tired, he still spends about an hour playing (exercising). He loves the way it helps to relieve stress. I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I do enjoy it and am trying to get in a routine on it. And I am also going to weigh myself every week, because lately I've been in denial and will go 3-4-5 weeks without stepping on the scales, even when I could tell I was gaining. I've started a new ticker down at the bottom of the page, and I will weigh every Friday morning from now on.

I don't want to get back on this blog in a month and tell you I have 110 pounds to lose.

Sandy

The Wii Folk

2011-01-04T18:01:00.001-08:00

So now I've traded in the boring treadmill and stationary bike for the Wii, and "we" have been having a blast. And hopefully burning calories to boot. James has played it religiously every day since hooking it up on Christmas Day. I just started recently. But, we both started out with our "Fitness Age" up in the 70's, and we are both down in the 20's now. So far we've just been playing the Wii Sports that came with the machine. The only thing I haven't attempted so far is the boxing, but James has, and he says it's tough and will wear me out. Tonight was my first night of playing the golf, and while it wasn't quite as physical as the tennis, it had its own challenges. Mainly, I know nothing about golf.

We manage about an hour every night, and as late as we get home from work, sometimes we are just finishing up on the Wii right before bedtime. But I want to continue to play every night. I may not be burning as many calories as say, walking an hour on the treadmill, but I am certainly burning WAY more than I have been lately, playing couch jockey. Right now, I feel as though I am just starting out again. So what if once upon a time, 5 miles on the treadmill was an easy feat for me. That was far too long ago for me to try and jump back on that regimen right out of the gate.

As heavy as I am currently (and I will talk about that in my next post), playing the Wii is about the limits of my stamina right now. Hard to believe how much huffing and puffing I am doing, just by swinging a Nerf tennis racket. Of course, to watch me play, you would think I had some sort of ailment- I can't stand in just one spot and swing the racket which theoretically that's all you need to do to make the game work. No, I run all over the basement like I am really chasing the ball on the court. And I sound like Monica Seles, for those of you who remember her.

Anyhow, this is a step- or lots of steps across the basement floor- in the right direction. Burning calories is always easier when you're having fun!

Sandy

Let's Get 2011 Rolling

2011-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

If you've been looking for me, the photo above is the reason you haven't seen me in awhile. My work schedule has left little time for me to do anything but spend 12 hour days in the office, and try to get sleep. Oh yes, and lots of junk food and sodas in between to keep me going. I've gained so much weight the last few months and I'm so big, I've made jokes about when my twins are due (hint- I'm NOT pregnant). I have lots of excuses- besides 55 hour work weeks, there was the severely sprained ankle, my lower back problems, and continued travel almost every weekend. I haven't exercised, I haven't eaten right, and I obviously haven't blogged.

So I'm going to try to start off the New Year in a better frame of mind. I made no resolutions yesterday- the day I turned 44. Heck, I didn't even make it to midnight- we zonked out at 11:30pm. But James and I have made the commitment to each other to start aiming for healthier goals. We got a Wii for Christmas, and yesterday for my birthday we got the Wii Fit. James has been playing for hours every day since Christmas. I have just started out recently. But it's SO much fun, we plan to replace our evening TV time with the Wii. James is ultra-competitive, and I just like to have fun and spend time with him.

We've set up an area in the basement for the Wii, all of our workout equipment, our weights, everything we own- even my really old and dusty step aerobics setup. James has already braved the Wii fit and stepped on the "scales". I have yet to do so, but I know what it's going to show me. I weighed last week for the first time in over a month, and it was shock to see the number. Yet, not so surprising since I'm about to bust out of my clothes.

Also for Christmas, my wonderful husband gave me a netbook, so now I have no excuses for not blogging, I can do it anytime, anywhere. I want to come back to this blog, and finally use it for the reasons I initially I started it- to document my weight loss. Unfortunately, the only thing I've done on this blog is whine and apologize and make promises, and that's just boring BS at this point. Please stick with me yet again, while James and I both commit to turn over a new page in this giant book that is Life!

Sandy

So A Funny Thing Happened.....

2010-07-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Not funny ha ha, but funny ironic. My morning started off with me listening to one of my favorite songs, with the opening line Tilling my own grave to keep me level. Although the song is about drug addiction, and I've listened to this song a thousand times, the lyrics really struck me right in the noggin today. And it made me think, that's what I'm doing with my life, I am tilling my own grave with my behavior, and that behavior does keep me level in the negative sense that it's same old same old and it never improves, it never gets me better or healthier, and there is no forward momentum.

Both of my doctor appointments went fine today, they were just routine yearly exams. My physician was so out of breath and overwhelmed today- it was her day to leave at noon and she was obviously rushing around, and her pager buzzed the whole time I was with her- that she barely had time to even listen to me, much less harass me about my weight. Which I might add is back up to 225. I was not shocked, I've been weighing at home even if I have been avoiding Weight Watchers. My clothes have been too tight, even outfits I had stuck way back in the closet, waiting for those "I feel fat" days. So I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon (hey, I was burning one of my coveted paid personal days from work so I was going to enjoy it) running a few errands and shopping. No surprise there either- if I'm in town, I will make it over to the stores, for whatever reason I can come up with! (My husband will attest to that with a healthy "You can say that again!" right about now.)

On my list of errands today was to stop by the gym, if I could remember how to find it after such a long absence- kidding, it's across from the Target shopping center, so of course I know where it is!! Last spring, I signed a year long contract, with I think two extra months thrown in. As far as gyms go, I think it's about $28 a month, so it's not too draining. It's a very very nice gym with top notch equipment and classes, and they are now building a swank state of the art facility next to the Belk's (yes, I definitely know where that is), and current members will get locked in at this cheap rate for the new gym next year. But I digress and long story short, I haven't gone to the gym since, well, since going back to work in October. My intent today was to stop in and tell them not to continue my membership, since the contract runs out next week. That was my intent. (Okay, this is the part where my husband is starting to scowl.)

Back-tracking to earlier this morning, where as usual I was feeling like a tired old fat slug. After I finished with my first early appointment, for which I had to fast, all I really truly wanted was a cup of coffee. What I ended up getting was a steak, egg, cheese bagel with mayo, hash browns, and a Coke which I refilled before heading out the door (my husband knows exactly where I ate). Then to kill some time before my next appointment, I did the aforementioned shopping, starting at Ulta where I laid down a small fortune for hair care and skin care products. (See my July 4th post.) Not long after that, I made my way to the gym nearby. I was astounded to see, I am not exaggerating, at least 100-150 cars in the parking lot. I went in and stood at the front counter, and I watched all the people streaming by me and checking in, at least a dozen or more in about two minutes. From teens to elderly white-hairs. When the young man behind the counter finally approached me, I said............"Hi, I haven't been in awhile, and I've lost my swipe card, do you think you could get me a replacement so I can start coming again?"

Yes, I am not making this stuff up. It came out of me, totally unexpected, and totally unplanned. But I did not waver once it came out of my mouth, because something down there in me knew it was the right thing to do. (Now this is the part when my husband shakes his head and thinks yeah, sure- you've paid for the last seven months and not gone, now when it's time to cancel you suddenly decide you are going to start going again?) And he would be completely right to ask me that to my face. Truth be told, no one on the planet would be happier for me, if I started going back to the gym, and no one would be more supportive and encouraging than my husband. But James knows I have a tendency to talk about what I should do, and then make excuses when it comes time to do them. And on that point, he is right. Hence finding reasons to skip my WW meetings the last oh, six weekends?

So after I left the gym, completely confused on what had just happened, I asked myself that age old axiom- If not now, then when? Then I thought, and if not now, then why not now?? I could not find a single good excuse to those ponderings. But folks, for me, deciding to go back to the gym was a good excuse to go buy new workout clothes and a cute new gym bag (okay, now THIS is the part where my husband just groans in defeat).

Will report back here as to how well I am adjusting to this new attitude. I know working full-time and with a commute, it is going to be a stretch to get to the gym after work, instead of just cruising on home, but I will fight that "old me" and that old way of thinking. Plus I have an interesting project I am working on, that I want to post when I have it ready. Soon!

Sandy

(Me, St. Thomas, 2008- I did not want to be fat for the cruise this year, but I only have 3 months to go now, so no bikini for me THIS trip!)

Day of Reckoning

2010-07-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for the last few weeks. My annual physical. When I made the appointment some months ago, I actually marked the date on the calendar with goals in mind. I wanted to walk in and face that ridiculously antiquated scale out in the middle of the public hallway, and get on it without making the typical excuses "Oh, I'm sure my shoes and clothes must add at least ten extra pounds!" I wanted to walk in and have the nurse tell me my blood pressure is normal, instead of her asking "Your BP is a little high today, are you just nervous to be here?" I wanted to walk in and not be afraid of giving blood- no I'm not scared of needles, just the results of my cholesterol and blood sugar counts. I wanted to walk in and have my doctor tell me I can go off all my meds!! I wanted to walk in and watch the line on my weight loss graph that she keeps on her computer, go down a whole lot- instead my cute little line will shoot up as high as my blood pressure surely will be.

But instead, I will simply not meet any of those goals at all. My doctor is a sweet young lady, and she is not going to fuss at an old fart like me, not that it would do any good. I certainly know I'm overweight, and I know my BP is too high, and I know last year my cholesterol was borderline.

I had hoped most of all to go into my appointment and be able to report progress to my doctor, on all the great changes I had made with my weight, my exercise, my health, my life. Instead I will go in as the same old me with the same old dumb excuses.

Sandy

Hit Or Miss

2010-07-04T11:48:00.001-07:00

Well I do not have much to say today, but I wanted to get on here and say something. Sometimes I feel that if I don't have positive "progress" to report, then I have nothing worthwhile to post. But, this is my struggle, and I am guessing if you are reading this, you are struggling too. I know many of you have found your answer, and you work towards a healthier life every day, and I enjoy reading your blogs. My travels seem to always have me moving forward one step and back two. Right now I feel like I am at an intersection where I must choose which direction I need to continue. Hopefully the road I pick will not be fraught with continued whining and self-pity.

I haven't been to Weight Watchers since early June, and I emailed my leader this week to tell her not to give up on me, I will be back. I have no weight loss whatsoever to report here, which makes me sad and mad at the same time. While in Florida, my mom and I shopped at my favorite hometown store, and I bought all my clothes for the October cruise, including a gorgeous dress. But, instead of buying clothes too small and "hoping" I would fit into them by then (haven't we all done that?), I faced the facts and bought clothes that fit me currently. Everything was a 2X top, and an 18 pants. That's what I am today. I bought everything with tank sleeves- I will be in the Caribbean after all- and I don't care that my upper arms are flapping with excess fat. My gym membership expires this month, and considering I haven't been since last year, it is time to let that go as well.

Not to say that I am giving up! But I continue to be in limbo, and I continue to search for strength from deep within me to win the battle. It's too bad my worst enemy is myself! The struggle to make the right decisions should really be nonexistent, because there is nothing standing in the way of me eating right and exercising, except for me. And yet I every day get in the way of myself working towards any goal. And it is only going to get harder, as I have already started increased hours at work that will take me into the beginning of next year. One day last week I went in at 6:30 am and worked like a demon until 9:30 pm that night. I depended on caffeine and sugar to fuel my body and mind through the hours, and that can't go on day after day, week after week.

I always spend so much time and money on looking my best on the outside, with the right jewelry or purse, or spend an hour at Ulta trying to pick out the perfect shade of hair color or toe nail polish, and my big worry these days is finding a cure in a jar for the wrinkles around my eyes. I wish I spent a fraction of the energy on making the right choices to take care of myself on the inside. I know what the answer is, and it's not bacon cheeseburgers and fries, or Starbucks, or falling asleep on the couch.

SANDY

Hello!!!

2010-06-27T15:46:00.001-07:00

Hi all! I am still here. If you want to read about my problems with Google and Blogger, you can look at my other blog. But everything is good now, so I can start blogging again. Just got back from vacation in Florida, and if you look at the photo above (battered and deep fried hot dog!), you can guess what I was doing down there. Yes, I gained more weight than I want to discuss here. But James and I said today, summer vacation is over, now it's time for us to get serious and get cracking on our exercise and weight loss regime. I dread going to Weight Watchers on Saturday- I haven't been in three weeks- but I will be ready to face the music and get back on track again. Seems like in this blog, I am always talking about starting over again. I probably should change the name of the blog to "Chasing the Wagon", because I never seem to get up on it and stay there!! Ha ha! Talk to everyone again soon!

Sandy

Weigh In #3: -0.2 lbs

2010-06-05T12:57:00.001-07:00

Well I'm struggling right along as usual. I wish I could be on here more often, but work right now is very demanding, and I've been putting in 1-2 + hours of overtime every day for the last month (hope to afford that new Burberry purse soon, ha ha). The overtime is likely to continue through this entire year and into the beginning of 2011, as we go through a major computer system conversion. My stress levels are admittedly high, but I've been pounding it out on the treadmill almost every night now. I would love to be on the blog every night, but by the time I get home from the office I have time to do one "me" thing and these days it is exercising. (It helps counteract the ocean-like amounts of coffee/sugar/creamer I have at work every day.)

Although, I did have a loss at this week's Weight Watchers meeting, and as small as it was, I will take it! It was in the right direction! I was surprised, because we ate out a lot over the Memorial Weekend (above), since we were away from home for the holiday. I continue to eat too much of the wrong thing whenever we go out, but thankfully in the real world (work and home), I eat fairly healthy and have been exercising more regularly now. We have another huge vacation coming up in just two weeks, where we'll be gone out of town for over a week. I mentally plan out how I will eat right and walk in the mornings while we're gone, but it never seems to work out that way. Instead I relax, enjoy sleeping in, and try every yummy sounding appetizer on every menu.

I love my WW leader Marci, and her mantra lately has been for all of us to think like a thin person would. She said we don't have to wait until we've lost ALL the extra pounds before we start behaving like the person we want to be once we're at goal. The tidbit she passed on to us- Act the way you'd like to be, and soon you'll be the way you act! Not sure if that's her original quote, but I wrote it down anyhow. She also said that we have to concentrate on letting go of all the ways we've always done things (the things that got us overweight to begin with), and to instead create new habits. Her acronym for habit- Having A Bite Involves Thinking! Ain't it the truth. And sadly, sometimes I think about the bite, but I still do it anyhow. That's the part I have to change.

I do love going out to eat with my husband and our family and friends, but I know it's more about spending the time with special people, not chowing down on a huge plate of pasta. The food is secondary to the conversation and company. Knowing that mentally and putting it into practice, well, I'm still working on it.

I keep a photo in my WW book, of me at my absolute heaviest (even more than the photos I have on my sidebar). It was well before I met James. I was at a low low point in my life, in an unhappy place with both myself and my first marriage, and I had pretty much just given up and accepted that this was how my life was going to be forever, and I didn't care about anything, not even myself. I think I was in my early thirties at the time. I can't tell you what I weighed then, because I stopped getting on the scale. I will be 44 this year, and I just can't ever see me being in such a state of mind again. The weight and the self-hate were a vicious cycle that I thankfully broke about seven years ago. I may still be fighting with the sixty or so extra pounds, but I really DO care about myself, and I want to make sure that everyone else around me can just look at me and know that I love myself and feel joy about life and that I'm taking care of myself the best that I can!!

Sandy

Weigh In #2: -1.0 lbs

2010-05-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well, not a great loss, but it was a loss so I will take it! I know I didn't do a great job with my eating this week, but I did a good job on the treadmill. Considering the amount of overtime I worked this week, I was proud of myself on the nights when I was just bone tired, but got on the treadmill nonetheless. My goal is to get up to two-three miles every night, right now it's been just a few nights a week, but I know it will be an ongoing process with ever-changing goals and strategies. This week, I am changing my eating plan- last week I attempted to have "variety" every day so I wouldn't get bored, but it lead to a lot of rummaging through the pantry and fridge, and I found myself getting off track. This week I am going the polar opposite and setting a daily menu (with points calculated!!) and sticking to the same menu every day. I want to see which way is more likely to work for me in the long run. If it means having turkey on whole wheat every day for lunch, then if that works, so be it!

Sandy

Why I Still Hate Shopping

2010-05-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've posted before about shopping for clothes, and I think every plus-sized woman (who the hell thought up that phrase anyhow?) has gone through that love/hate relationship with the dressing room mirror. I am beyond the "does this make me look fat" stage- because I am over 200 pounds and I am fat, and clothes don't hide that!! And while my favorite store for clothes, Kohl's, has larger sizes that are a step above other stores, I still get annoyed with my choices.

Tonight I went through it. I stopped at Kohl's to take advantage of their big sale, and because I wanted a few new tops for this summer. I have a tendency to shop for work clothes before I will casual clothes. And the other night when we went to the Braves game, it took me almost an hour of trying on clothes to figure out what to wear- getting dressed in the morning for the office takes about five minutes. I don't have a lot of T's or cotton tops, mainly because I don't really care for unforgiving cotton- which on me tends to accentuate every roll and bulge. And so I don't have a lot of good tops for summer. The few that I have that I love, this is probably the third or fourth summer I will be wearing them, and they are starting to show it.

Summer is a hard time for me when picking out clothes. I'm okay with shorts or crop pants, but when it comes to tops, I don't have much luck. A short-sleeved fitted cotton T doesn't do as much to cover everything like a big flowing peasant blouse in the winter. And I've been known to wear long sleeves into the office during August- here in the Deep South- just to hide the jiggly fat above the elbow. Or, if I do get a cotton top, I end up getting 1-2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear, just so it won't cling to me and show everyone right where my bra straps start and stop.

But I digress. So tonight I went to Kohl's, and while I was standing there in the "Women's" department (which I'm not sure why it's called that, because a 43-year-old who wears a medium is still a woman- you don't have to be overweight to qualify for that title)- which is right next to the "normal" sizes. And as I'm looking over at the oh-so-cute outfits on just the next rack, I'm holding up big frumpy shirts with way too obvious bright colors or designs. Like a giant pink butterfly across my midsection is going to draw your attention away from that area. But, I came home with a bag full of clothes nonetheless. Which made me wonder- if I was a medium (not the psychic kind, because I would already know the answer to the question), and the clothes that I bought tonight were right there in a medium among all the other cute clothes I saw tonight- would I have bought these same tops? Or did I buy them simply because they fit and they were all I had to pick from?

I realized that no, I would probably not have purchased even one of the items I brought home, if I'd had all the choices that I saw over in the Misses department. Not that I hate any of the clothes I bought, I just hate the fact that because of my weight, my choices are so limited. I've blogged about this before, but tonight just seemed to remind me of how the plus-size clothing industry is SO SO way off the mark. Why can't they take those same cute tops I see over in the regular sizes (I guess I am irregularly sized), and add a little more fabric and cut it a little more generously, and make it in my size!!

Sandy

A Fun Tool

2010-05-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to show off a wonderful diet and exercise journal that I found at Barnes & Noble, but I also found it on Amazon as well. I've been through a lot of diet journals over the years, and of course I love all the Weight Watchers trackers and journals provided at the meetings. But this log book has it all! It came out in 2007, and for anyone interested the ISBN is 978-1-7418-1135-3. I am in my third week of using it and so far I have no complaints about this one!

The journal is good for an entire year, with four pages devoted to each week. In the front of the journal are several pages to record current statistics and write down personal goals. Plenty of room for me to write down everything I eat every day, and it also has a place to track your carbs and your protein, which aren't really components of figuring out my WW points, but it's still interesting to track it. I like the extras, like the Hunger Scale for every meal, and I particularly like the area where I can notate "possible diet-busting" events for the week.

At the end of each week, there's a page for weekly totals. Extras that I've not seen in any other journal include a place to track your sleeping habits, your mood, your energy level. I've used these areas to make a lot of notes that I'm hoping will be helpful when I look back on the whole week. I think if you click on these photos, it will give you a closer view of the details.

The last page for the week is to track all your exercise. So far mine has just been the treadmill, but I have all my free weights next to the treadmill and I plan to start using them very soon- to help strengthen my problematic back issues as well as build muscle/burn more calories and fat.

At the very back of the book are monthly summaries for every month, with every statistic and goal imaginable. And there is even place to put your photo every month, so you can watch your progress and transformation. I don't have a photo in there yet, but I am currently cruising through our recent photo album to find one for my "starting" place. I definitely already have "the worst" photo of me ever in my Weight Watchers weigh-in book. I am a long ways away from that photo, but I still have an even longer way to go.

Just thought I would share this diary with anyone who is looking for one concise place they can record it ALL!

SANDY

Weigh In #1: -4.2 lbs

2010-05-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

So I made it to my first weigh in this morning. The Weight Watchers meetings are at this church. I've always gone to an actual WW center, but the only way I can stick with my favorite leader Marci is to find her here. I lost 4.2 pounds, for a two week period, because I didn't go to last week's meeting. I like the Saturday morning group better than the Thursday night group. A lot more folks go on Saturday, so it's better participation in the group discussions, plus a lot more tips and ideas from the members. It feels good to go back to WW. I've always lost the weight while attending the meetings, but I have to have the meetings in order to keep me on track. Since I've found a leader who I truly adore- she's very energetic and spontaneous and upbeat- it makes it easier to get to the meeting every week. Because I want to see her. And because I "want" to go to the meetings, I have to stay on track with my eating for weighing in. I know a lot of people out there lose weight without ever attending any kind of meeting, or following a commercial diet plan, but I know from past experience that Weight Watchers works for me personally. And it works well. So, here's to starting off on the right foot!

Sandy

I Can Do It

2010-05-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

So this is the photo of me that everybody in the family just loves, when I was a lot thinner and before I cut off all my hair. It was taken in spring 2004, and after having reached my highest weight ever just a few years earlier, I was down to about 150 here, and just fitting into a brand new pair of size 12 jeans. Which I wore twice, and which are still in my closet as my ultimate "clothes goal". How did I lose the 90 pounds, all in 2003? With devotion to Weight Watchers, my treadmill, and my Leslie Sansone DVD's. Although I had the right tools, I unfortunately had the wrong mindset.

This is going to be an honest post that I hope doesn't offend James- he's heard it before anyhow. But, in 2003, I was SO angry and frankly, disgusted, with my ex-husband that I found every way and every reason to avoid him. When he would come home from work, I would go into another room and stay on the treadmill for sometimes two hours, just to get away from him. Or I would put on headphones and go walk the neighborhood around and around, just to be out of the house. My Weight Watchers gave me a reason to be gone from the house on Saturday mornings, to meet up with a girlfriend and fellow member afterward for coffee and long chats. I would live off Lean Cuisines, but by that time the ex and I no longer sat down to meals together anyhow.

I remember being on the treadmill every evening, listening to my music loud, and pounding out all the frustration and unhappiness- and I would go as long and as hard as my body would let me, sometimes until I was completely exhausted and the bad feelings were just drained out of me. The result was, of course, the weight loss. And yes the result was fantastic, and everyone back home was just amazed when I came to visit (when the photo was taken). But at the point of this photo, the ex was out of my life, and James was in it, and the anger and bitterness and sadness and all the other things I had been feeling were gone. I was happy and finally in love with the right man. No suppressed fury to pound away on the treadmill, no heaviness in my heart that needed uplifting with music and a walk around the block.

And no, this story is not to imply that James had anything to do with me gaining most of the weight back. Of course not! The fault is with me, because when I lost that weight in 2003, I did it for the wrong reasons. Not for my health, not for myself, not for a better life. The whole time, with every mile walked, with every pound lost, I felt like I was shedding the heavy weight that was on my shoulders from a bad marriage, and that had nothing to do with my actual physical weight. Once that marriage was over, once the burden was lifted all at once, I relaxed. With everything. And that included the exercising and the eating. I can't explain it. It was as though my anger was driving me, motivating me, and once the anger was gone, so was the motivation. I had the physical tools to get me to goal, but I did not have the mental tools to keep me there.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. But I know that I have my first weigh-in with Weight Watchers tomorrow, and I am very happy to be back there again. And this time, it's NOT because I'm mad at anyone, that's for sure!

Sandy

Moving Forward

2010-05-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

My hubby is so sweet, he picked these "flowers" coming back from lunch and brought them by my desk. I made the "vase".

Anyhow, I am back on here with finally some encouraging and motivating reasons for me to stay on the blog more frequently. I finally started going back to Weight Watchers. I've only had my first initial meeting, and this Saturday morning I go in for my first weigh-in. I was able to find my leader who taught the meetings I went to for most of 2009. And she has meetings here in Newnan on Thursday evenings (I can barely get there after work), and on Saturday mornings. I'm going to plan for the Saturdays, unless we are out of town, and then I have Thursday as an option.

I haven't been great at keeping my points this week, but I am getting used to it again, and easing my mindset to that direction. Tracking is easy- I write the points down in my book. But looking at food for its points value, I've got to get used to that again. I've been shocked at how many points some of the things have that I've been relying on the last few months- my yogurt (not fat free), soy milk, rice crackers. And while I was trying the gluten-free lifestyle (I have given that up, it did not help my psoriasis one bit) I was not really watching my fat intake on certain items (like rice chips!).

We've been going out a lot, and went out of town this weekend for the holiday. But I am definitely tracking my points. I've got all my WW gear from before- to calculate my points and to track them every day. And I keep my "Dining Out" guide near at hand with my thousands of notes and highlighted food choices. I find it incredibly easy to keep to my points when I eat at home, or bring my lunch to work. But, as in the past, I struggle when I am "out" of my comfort zone. When we eat out- whether it be a restaurant or fast food joint, or at someone else's house, or a sporting event- I really really falter. Enough, it seems, to undo the good I've accomplished on the days I feel more "in control". Of course, I am ALWAYS in control of what I eat and how much, and I am learning to work my way through that mentally again.

For now, I am happy to report that I am making progress, and I am looking forward to getting back on track with Weight Watchers and my fabulous leader Marci. I know WW works, because I've lost loads of weight with it. But without it, I seem to instead lose my way and the pounds creep back on me.

After this week's weigh-in, I'm going to update my counter at the bottom of my page to coincide with the WW scale. And I'm going to add an exercise ticker back again, to keep track of my walking. Thanks for everyone who has been hanging in there with the slow going on this blog. Hopefully now I will have more to talk about! Soon!

Sandy

Style Over Substance

2010-04-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well I did go scale shopping over the weekend, and had no trouble picking one out. We found them in several stores, and it seems that everyone had them on clearance. I guess the rush of New Year's dieters had passed, and the extra overstock was on sale! I did not go for a fancy scale with any kind of memory or charting or whatever. I just picked one that shows my weight. And I picked it because it was just SO cute! I love the design. This scale shows I've lost a few more pounds over last week, but I don't know if it's really weight loss, or just weighing on a new scale. I'm going to wait until one more weigh-in before I change my ticker to show my progress.

Still going gluten free, although I'm disappointed in the results as far as my skin issues go. No improvements, zero, nothing. Today is just as bad as any other day- itchy, scaly, burning. So I don't think I have a gluten sensitivity as I had suspected, and I'm not sure what the next step will be for my skin. I do admit I am feeling a lot better overall these last two weeks, with a lot more energy. I suspect it has more to do with giving up the junk food. I do still snack, but since I gave up gluten, I rarely have processed foods and try to keep the carbs to a minimum. Now instead of munching on crackers, I am eating nuts and dried fruit. I have been taking at least three fruits to work with me every day- normally an apple, an orange, and grapes. And even though I'm still not crazy for yogurt, I am finding flavors that I like that are marked "gluten free". And now when I get my daily craving for crunchies- instead of hitting the vending machines for cookies or chips- I've been carrying a little bag of dry cereal- rice cereal, of course, since it's gluten free.

And, as always, I am trying very hard right now to watch my portion sizes.

At home we've been making changes as well. Our kitchen counter is loaded down with fresh fruit. No chips in the pantry. No ice cream- not even the low fat Weight Watchers brand- in the freezer. And we are eating fresh vegetables at dinner, instead of boxed potato mixes or frozen concoctions with sauces. I am getting to the point where I really enjoy having a giant salad for dinner instead of meat and starches. Not to say I don't miss mac & cheese, or that I don't crave a hot dog.

I am still trying to find the right balance. I know my gluten free experiment is probably not going to continue after another 2-3 weeks, and while I plan to continue with the way I am eating right now, I also plan to have some whole wheat carbs again- I have really missed my high fiber cereals! But of course they are all whole wheat, and a gluten no-no.

I haven't seen a number on the scale start with a '1' since, oh, maybe 2006. So right now my goal is to get below 200 and if I can do that, it will be monumental for me. I am so close right now, but still have a lot of hard work ahead of me. Of us. Because James and I are a team, and however I cook at home, however I shop at the grocery store, will ultimately improve his health as well.

Sandy

Scaling Back

2010-04-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Well, still scaling back on the gluten, that is. And I can't say that so far I've seen any improvements with my skin ailments. However, I did commit to go gluten free for at least one month, and I'm not going to give up so soon, after less than two weeks. It has certainly NOT hurt me at all to give up the processed snacks and junk food, even if I'm still itching and scratching away.

But I will be upgrading my actual scale very soon. The scale we've been using for the last few years met with an unfortunate accident over the weekend- no I didn't get mad at it and drop kick it. So this weekend I will be scale shopping. I have been looking at a few models online. I know that scales now have some really cool features, almost like mini computers, where they can record and save all your weigh-ins and even (supposedly) calculate body fat. I'm not sure I need all of those extras- I don't have a problem with weighing and recording it on my calendar by hand. Well, I have a problem with the results, but no scale on the market is going to just show me what I want it to, without me doing the hard work to earn it.

I am happy to report that before my scale bit the dust, I had already lost the few pesky vacation pounds I brought home with me. I give credit to giving up the snacks, because that's the only thing that has changed with me lately. With my ongoing leg muscle issues, I still struggle to get any exercise in. I look forward to the day when that will no longer be a reason (or excuse) for me to be able to get on the treadmill every single day! The time change and warmer weather lately has encouraged James and I to play basketball in the evenings after work. James more than me, but I stink at it anyhow. But, even so, I get more exercise chasing the ball after all my missed shots than I do standing in one spot shooting!

Catch up with you all soon!

(137.5- right! Not any time soon! And not for the last 20 years!!!)

Sandy

Charting A New Course

2010-03-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

Back from the big vacation finally; rested and now chugging right along at work. Amazing how it is all "still there" for you when you return! But before Monday morning rolled around, I headed to the grocery store to restock my fridge and pantry with the things I will need in order to eat gluten free. I am on day three now, and as far as I know, I am eating no gluten! I say that because I am still reading up on the subject online and the few books that I found on Amazon. I still have questions on some items, if they have gluten in them or not- my coffee creamer at work, that irresistible hunk of Parmesan, mayo for making egg salad? So I may have consumed some gluten unknowingly. But to the best of my ability, I have given up gluten for this experiment. I do not know if this will lead to any weight loss, but so far I have been eating only whole foods like fruits and vegetables, brown rice, lean meat.

I am finding plenty of "okay" snacks and cereal that are made from rice or corn, but I still am reading labels because a lot of flavorings (malt) are actually gluten- even if the word "wheat" does not appear anywhere. So microwave popcorn has been replaced with plain air-popped, and my old high fiber cereals have been set aside for Rice Chex. I am trying to cut out caffeine right now as well, and this week I've only allowed myself one cup of coffee a day, in the mornings. My afternoon cup has been replaced with either hot tea, or decaf coffee (perhaps because by the end of the day in the office, there is plenty of decaf leftover). I wanted to quit wheat, caffeine, and sugar cold turkey, all at one time. But I got so sick on Monday with upset stomach, and a blinding headache so bad that James had to drive me home from work. That was after only TWO days of no caffeine. Better to slowly wean myself from it. I don't keep caffeinated sodas in the house, so once I get away from the office there is no temptation.

Vacation was about having a good time together and relaxing and enjoying the precious week away from the daily grind. I indulged in every food group imaginable- pasta, pizza, burgers, steak, Japanese, Mexican, ice cream, cake, junk food, Coke, Starbucks. All the old favorites. I realized it was going to be next to impossible for me to start a "new" program while on vacation. So I carried my notes and books on a gluten free diet and studied them while we were gone so I would be ready to start right away once we got home.

Although I plan to stick to a whole foods lifestyle no matter what (I am just too doggone old to continue to have Pop-Tarts or a bag of animal crackers for lunch at my desk), it will be trial and error for the gluten. The magazines call it an "elimination diet"- getting rid of one potentially troublesome component of your diet, and seeing if your symptoms improve. Or hopefully, disappear. My main reasons for eliminating gluten are skin-related, but I certainly have many of the other symptoms of gluten sensitivity like body aches and fatigue (well, I mean, who doesn't?) and I am curious to see if giving up wheat will clear up the problems I've had for long years and the new conditions that have cropped up recently. Articles I've read said that many people who gave up wheat saw improvements with their skin within days.

My father-in-law, who is very knowledgeable about good health through diet, provided me with several handouts and a few books to help guide me. He sticks to a very very clean diet and knows more about clean eating than anyone else I've ever met. I just wish he would share his willpower with me! Today I got a whiff of someone's pizza at work and thought I would fall out. It's going to be a very long month or so. I will update soon.

Sandy

(No, I didn't lose weight, this is just a super big chair at the Ripley's in Gatlinburg.)

That Darn Tootin' Gluten

2010-03-17T16:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, so this isn't wheat- just the weeds growing in the empty lot across the street from us, but I didn't have any other photos to go with this story.

After a lot of research and many evenings of feeling like crap and wondering what I can do about it, I have decided to go gluten free for awhile. It seems like many of the issues I'm dealing with right now, are also symptoms of an intolerance to gluten. And since I am a carb queen, it won't hurt for me to see if indeed gluten is the culprit behind my recent physical ailments. I have decided that once we get back from vacation, I will give up gluten. All the way, not just some foods, and not just some days. 100%. That is the only way I will find out if I have a gluten intolerance or not. Yes, I know there is a blood test I can take, but if I stop eating gluten and my symptoms improve then that's all I really need to know to keep me going.

By the time we return from our trip, it will be a few days before April. I am going to spend the entire month of April learning to eat gluten free. We don't have any trips planned or family coming to visit, so it seems like a good time to start this new venture. The reading that I've done says that as many as 3 million Americans are gluten sensitive and don't know it, they just feel crummy all the time and get misdiagnosed with things like IBS or chronic fatigue. And if April goes well, then I will aim for one more month gluten free, and then etc etc etc.

I was very uneducated about what gluten is. I thought I knew enough about it because I read a lot of health magazines. I just assumed that since gluten was in bread and pasta, that it meant gluten was in all carbs. Not so. Things like rice or potatoes or corn do not have gluten in them. Neither does sugar, thank you! But unfortunately almost all processed foods do, and I rely heavily on frozen dinners or pre-marinated meats and fish or bottled sauces to doctor up dishes. No more. It will be strictly whole foods like lean meats and veggies and fruits. No crackers or sodas or spaghetti or salad dressing. Nothing that comes out of a box or a bag or a jar. I know they make gluten free breads and cake mixes and pastas made from funky stuff, but for right now I don't plan to experiment too much with that.

As always, my focus is to lose weight, but it's also to be healthy overall and feel better and have energy and live a life that I can love. Although I won't be blogging while we are on vacation next week, I look forward to coming home and starting on this new phase of taking better care of myself. And recording it here. It may work out, or it may be a big flop where I just can't give up bread, or it may turn out that even if I stick with this it may not cure my ills. I know right about now, my husband is reading this and will say that he supports me in any decisions I make. He is more than willing to eat a whole food diet, sans carbs, and hopefully we will both benefit from this.

But until then, I have nine days on the road of eating to (dread) look forward to and enjoy. Everyone take care until I get back!

Sandy

Budget For My Belly

2010-03-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

Will eating cheap equal eating less food and less calories? I don't know, but we are planning to test that theory very shortly. James and I are counting the days and hours until our vacation commences next weekend, and my husband has been working very hard to plan out our many days on the road. We have all our hotel reservations made (one of them, above), James signed us up for a show one evening, we are going to a zoo, several museums, a birthday party, even a hall of fame. All sorts of fun stuff that you will see over on my other blog eventually.

And as I've blogged about before, one of my biggest challenges in trying to lose weight is eating out. I usually eat as though I will never ever get a chance to enjoy that menu ever again- even if it's a local pizza place. I have trouble treating the experience as quality time spent with the man I love, and instead act like I am auditioning for a spot on the competitive eating circuit. And on vacation, James and I have a tendency to be even more relaxed with our dining out practices. But we are going to try to set rules for this trip.

James and I know we have to eat out all our meals the entire time, but we are going to try to keep a tight food budget this trip. That's something we've never really done before, but we realized the other day that sometimes- okay, a lot of times- we overspend and overeat. Not sure if the two go hand in hand or not. For instance, this past Saturday at the Hard Rock, we both ordered burgers with fries- before the tip it was almost $40. A recent Sunday lunch at Red Lobster ran us almost $50. And while that's okay for an occasional splurge, we don't want to spend $100 a day on food, especially because we will be gone for nine days.

All but one of the hotels we're staying at have complimentary continental breakfasts, so we are going to save money by starting off our days with a free meal. I just have to remind myself that it's unlikely there will be a sudden bagel and cream cheese shortage any time soon- in other words, there is no need for me to indulge in one of my favorite breakfast "treats" every single morning, which is what I always get on vacation. Most hotels offer much healthier alternatives like yogurt, fresh fruits, whole grain toast, skim milk and cereal. There are many other choices for me to make besides doughnuts or danishes.

We are going to try to eat light lunches- no $25 shrimp lover's feast platters or $15 blue cheese burgers with endless onion rings. Yet we don't want to waste our taste buds- and feed our fat cells- by only sticking to the 99 cent menus at the fast food places either. Since this trip will be a little more leisurely than some of our others, I think we will have more time to make wiser choices instead of being starved and saying "Oh thank the stars, I see a Cracker Barrel up ahead!" We do have one very indulgent dinner out planned here, a place I've been wanting to visit for a long time now, but other than that, I see no reason for us to treat the evening meal as a pig out fest.

I plan to bring plenty of bottled water and healthy snacks for the truck, too, because I have a tendency to run amuck in the convenience stores whenever we stop for gas or a bathroom break. I can't remember the last time I walked out of one without anything. Usually a Coke and bag of chips.

This is the first of three big vacations this year, and since right now I am so down about my weight, I want to do everything I can to keep moving in the right direction. I love James, but he knows that he needs to lose weight as much as I do, and I feel as though if we don't work as a team, we will never succeed individually. And there is no better time to depend on a teammate than a long vacation together!

Sandy

Today Is Another Day...

2010-03-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

...And tomorrow will be too. And here is the beautiful sunrise this morning to prove it. Taking it one day at a time this week and not doing too badly. I guess my last post upset my dad and my husband. My dad sent me a very heartfelt and encouraging email, and my husband has started me on a month-long assignment to help my self-esteem issues. Sorry, I was whining and feeling sorry for myself. But I was just frustrated with myself and my lack of commitment or willpower or however you want to put it. It seems as though the only thing that is stopping me from losing weight is actually making the effort! I have all the right books and support system and exercise equipment. It is time for me to get my act together.

I am disappointed that I won't reach the goal weight I set for our vacation in two weeks, but on the other hand I'm happy that I found enough blouses and jeans that fit me at my current weight, and I am ready to pack and even more ready to GO. But, I have two more vacations coming up this year, and I am going to have- and keep- a good attitude and believe that I will move closer to goal before our trip to Florida in the summer, and then our cruise in October. James and I have taken five cruises now, and with every one I look back at the photos and instead of enjoying the stunning scenery or reliving the fantastic moments I just say "I'm so fat! I hate these pictures!" I am not going to let that happen this year, and I must must MUST take control of my life and move it in a positive direction.

No more whining, and no more excuses on this blog, I promise.

If anyone reading this has any firsthand information they can share with me about eating a gluten-free diet, I would be interested in hearing about it. I've been doing some research online about a long-time (and very very painful/annoying) skin condition I have, and a lot of stuff cropped up repeatedly about gluten allergies and intolerance. And seeing that I eat such a carb-laden diet, I can see where a gluten issue might concern me. Please, if you have any ideas or stories or info you want to share, I am listening!

Sandy

Whatever

2010-03-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

I want to blog every evening, but it seems that at the end of the day I have nothing positive to say, and I get tired of whining, so I just don't want to post anything.

I am having deep self-esteem issues with my weight this go round, even though I'm in my 40's and you would think those days would be a thing of the past. But, with just the little bit of weight I have regained since going back to work- a small number but enough to send me back into a bigger size of clothing- my confidence level has just spiraled downward lately. And of course all of that frustration and self-doubt gives me anxiety over the smallest things anymore, and I get overwhelmed or stressed out, I feel blue or defeated, or the worst of them all- I act pissy. It seems like every negative emotion I have been experiencing lately, I can connect the dots and draw a line straight back to my weight. Whether it's my lack of energy to do housework that leaves me feeling worthless and lazy, or the way I fit in my clothes that makes me feel frumpy and unattractive, or the days when I say I give up I can't do it and I just excuse myself to have a few cookies to take the edge off. And however I am feeling at the moment, I have trouble hiding it from the rest of the world, and lately it's been manifesting itself into negative behavior that is out of character for me. I hate the way I feel anymore, and I don't just mean physically. I hate the way I feel about myself.

James always says, "Why do you get so down on yourself all the time?" and he is right, I do. No one else beats me up about my weight, no one but me. No one else makes me feel bad because of the number on the scale, no one but me. No one else is calling me lazy because I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, no one but me! I have no other issues in my life to cause me such unhappiness. I have an absolutely phenomenal husband, I have a great job, we both make good money and enjoy it, all of our family is still alive and healthy, we have a beautiful home and many many nice possessions and we travel more than we stay home. There is nothing that I could ever want for that I don't already have, from the love of a wonderful man all the way to my collection of Dooney purses and everything in between! My life is as perfect as I could ever ever want it to be.

But my body- my weight- is an ENORMOUS black cloud hanging over that life, constantly drenching me with cold depressing rain and forever threatening to zap me with a white hot bolt of lightening! And my hate for that extra 60+ pounds I am carrying, just overshadows all the other positive parts of my daily existence. I think about my weight and my size constantly, almost every minute I am awake. From the time I get out of bed in the morning and have to put on clothes for work, all day long at the office whenever I have to walk down the hallways in front of other people, and then in the evenings when it comes time to decide what to have (and how much) for dinner. My weight probably takes up about 90% of my thoughts during the day. That can't be healthy!!!

I have no excuses, and yet I make them all the time. It seems as though since I started this blog, I have only talked about losing weight, and what I "plan" to do or what I "hope" to accomplish. There is very little in the way of results here, or success I can share proudly. Talking about losing weight, wishing I can lose weight, making plans to start losing weight- that phase of my life is pointless anymore. I have talked it to death, I have started umpteen food journals and exercise logs, I have rejoined Weight Watchers at the start of every year since 1994 now. What I want to do and what I've been doing are a galaxy apart. Some days I feel like I need to build a space ship just to get to where I want to be, and I'm no rocket scientist.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's hard, and I don't know what the secret is. But I am having a hard time right now just being happy with my life- because of my weight, and I can't seem to live in the moment and I rarely find enjoyment in just being alive and being me. Going back to work was exactly what I wanted and needed, and on certain levels it gave me a boost of confidence, but it didn't last long. It's been less than five months now, and the shininess of a new job has worn off, and I am back to being dull and tired and fat and full of self-pity. At least that's how I feel. I don't think anyone out there looks at me and sees those things, because I still get all dressed up for work and try to look my best and always smile and run around the office energetically trying to get all my work done. People always think of me as friendly, hard-working, smart, funny, pretty, whatever.

I just don't see myself that way these days. All the fat looking back at me in the mirror is blocking my view.

A Bouncy Road

2010-03-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

Last week ended on a good note, because I was down to 208. And considering at the start of the month I was back up to 219, I accept this graciously as a small sign of progress. That was Friday morning, and then of course as we usually do, we headed off for the weekend. And I ate too much. Travel, a wedding, lots of hours and miles on the road. Those are pitfalls that I have yet learned to avoid. I don't know what it is about being on the road, but it opens up the floodgates for my bad habits like no other situation can. It would be okay if we only went out of town once in awhile. But for James and I, a weekend at home is a rarity.

We have a big vacation coming up very shortly, with many many days on the road and in hotels and eating an estimated 27 meals out! I will blow up like the Snoopy Two if I do not rein in my willpower and engage my brain cells when ordering from a menu. Just look at me in the photo above, standing beside the bride over the weekend. Of course, she is probably a size 0 or 2- that is unless they make negative sizes. I look four times bigger than she does! This photo may hurt my ego, but it is the truth. I will never be a size 2, yet I would be over the moon with delight to be a size 12!!! But I will be back into a 20 real soon if I don't start making wiser decisions.

Sandy

What Crappy Timing

2010-02-24T15:21:00.001-08:00

Although James and I work together, we are on opposite sides of the building and get to see each other pretty much just when James happens to walk by my cubicle on the way to elsewhere. And this week is a crazy week for him, and he is working late evenings. Of course I've sort of been missing his company. So I suggested we go out to lunch together today. Some weeks, we go out 2-3 times a week for lunch. But most days, I just sneak out to my car, relax in the peace and quiet, and read a good book. Today I just wanted to spend a few minutes with my hubby.

We are located near an interstate exit, and the only thing around are the typical fast food venues, and a really great Chinese restaurant. But, I can't behave at a Chinese restaurant, I haven't found anything healthy there yet except for steamed veggies- bleh! So I told myself, and then told my husband, let's go to Chick-Fil-A and I will be good and order a grilled chicken sandwich instead of the regular breaded one that I sosososososo love. "I'm sorry, our chargrill machine isn't working," the young lady said to me at the counter when I ordered. Apparently it had just broken and would be another hour or so before it was fixed. Well, crap! Now what? I have limited time I can take for lunch, so going somewhere else didn't enter my mind- next door is McDonald's and across the street is Wendy's- not much better choices.

So I went ahead and ordered my same ol' meal, the breaded chicken sandwich and just sighed a deep sigh of "this is always my luck" and ate it and enjoyed the time spent with my husband. I know some folks can probably do without eating out, but our life does not really fit in with that. We are out of town way too much, and if we are not "out" of town, then on weekends we are at least out and about, running errands here in Newnan, or hanging out up in Atlanta just for the heck of it. And besides, we truly enjoy eating out, and I can't imagine being so strict that I would just cut out all restaurant meals altogether. I know someone who was on a famous diet that I won't name- (but the initials are J.C.!!), and she wouldn't eat anything other than the program's boxed meals. A group of us went out to dinner one night, and she sat there sipping on water and frankly, looking quite miserable and acting mad at the world- she wasn't enjoying herself and the rest of us weren't enjoying her either. I don't want that to be me. Well, I might be mad at the world, but it's not because I can't enjoy a good Italian dinner out with friends on occasion.

The one thing I love about Weight Watchers is that it allows for any and all foods, and it never dictates what you can and can't eat. It just forces you to keep track of, and monitor, what you do eat and to watch portion control. And anyone who goes to WW also knows they have their wonderful "Dining Out" guide that I love. Mine is worn out, with a thousand handwritten notes and highlighted meal choices on every page. And the restaurants that are not in the WW guide, I've gone online to find the nutritional information, so I can translate those numbers to the "points" system WW uses. And I've also used this website for years, which WW sort of frowns on (because they don't oversee it & it uses their info and formulas), but it's a useful aid for me so I use it anyhow. There are almost 600 restaurants and fast food chains listed here, with their nutritional info and points values. (WW's guide only has 134 restaurants......)

I think you can successfully lose weight and still eat out. I don't think you can do it without having all the right knowledge and tools available. I know the common sense ones- that fried is worse than grilled, that something swimming in cream sauce is artery-clogging, and that restaurant portions are usually 3-4 times what I really need to eat. But, unless I had looked up the info, I never would have guessed an order of the chicken nuggets at Chick-Fil-A is quite a bit healthier than the chicken sandwich. Unfortunately I found that out tonight, because I wasn't carrying my guide with me today. But when we go out of town this coming weekend, I can promise it will be tucked right there in my purse with me the whole time......

Sandy

(photo of a chicken- yes it is because I took it)

Dinner For One

2010-02-23T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today was a very weird day for me food-wise, yet also very normal, and probably one of the reasons I struggle so much. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat the wrong things, I just didn't eat what was good for me nutritionally. Not a praiseworthy day, but certainly nothing tragic either.

I did stick to my WW points, and I drank water water water all day. The last week or two, I've even been replacing a lot of my floury snacks (crackers, etc.) with fruit instead. I have forced myself to eat breakfast every morning, high fiber cereal and almond milk, and even traded in regular old sugar on my cereal for Truvia (man, good stuff, why does it have to be so expensive). I've added a few low fat dairy items to my lunch bag, too, because James pointed out that the reason I probably never have any energy is because I never eat any protein. The sausage on my pizza last Saturday night not withstanding.

But tonight was very typical of me and my decision making process. James had to work later than usual. And although I had salads all prepped for dinner, I just turned my nose up at it. I would be dining alone and felt like I could do whatever I wanted for my meal. After throwing in a load of laundry, what I truly wanted to do with my night off was sit by the fire , put in my "spa" Zen CD, and finish the last 40 pages of the paperback I've been deep into. Which is precisely what I did. And somehow relaxing by the warm fire on the couch and cozying up with a good book and a big bowl of salad just didn't sound as good as popcorn. So I turned to that old single girl standby for dinner, and I did make popcorn. But it was air-popped, so no greasy calories to mess up my WW tracker.

Now James will fuss at me undoubtedly, because he will eventually get home tonight (it's 8:30 now and no sign of him) and I will serve him the big salad I've already made and placed in the fridge to keep cold, and I will sit with him at the dining room table so I can talk to him and see how his day was. And he will ask me what I had for dinner, and I will confess it was popcorn, and he will insist I should have had some of the salad. And I won't disagree. I know I should have had a big bowl of greens and carrot and tomato and cuke, but I just wasn't in the mood.

Seems like my "moods" get me in trouble with my weight loss efforts. I'm not in the mood to exercise, I am in the mood for lasagna and garlic bread, or I'm just not in the mood to even think about any of it at all. If my mood is stress, I may binge eat straight from the pantry- I've been known to eat dry pasta right out of the box just because it was the only "crunchy" thing in the house. But if my mood is happy, I may overeat at a restaurant with my husband- smiling across the table at the man I love just makes me want creme brulee.

I know I can't control my "moods", but I can certainly control the choices I make during those times. I just have to learn how.

Sandy

It's Been A Long Time

2010-02-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

Well I am back and I promise it's to stay, if you will have me. And I promise I will be back on here regularly, if only to keep myself motivated. And motivation is something I just for some reason can't seem to wrap my hands around and hold onto for very long lately. Or maybe ever.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and fumbling around lately. This isn't much of a weight loss blog if I'm not going to A- lose weight and B- blog! I considered canning the whole project. But lately it seems like I've done nothing but make all the wrong moves and I didn't want to regret deleting this blog. So today I am finally going to set the wheels of my train wreck diet back on track. I know, and most of you who are reading this know, that losing weight is probably one of the hardest things we will ever do. At least those of us who have battled it most of our lives. And I have. But just because something is difficult, doesn't mean I can't keep plugging away at it, even if I have to "start over" a million times.

The last few months I have used every (lame) excuse I can think of to sabotage myself. I'm tired, I'm busy, my back hurts, we were out of town. And while in my mind that may get me a free pass from exercising (although it shouldn't), it has nothing to do with my diet. Being busy hasn't stopped me from zipping into McDonald's on the way to work. Being tired hasn't kept me from sneaking down to the cafeteria and getting a Coke and bag of chips from the vending machine. Being out of town has nothing to do with putting all that extra sugar and creamer in my giant-sized morning coffee. I have been living off junk food and sugar and carbs and caffeine for months now, and I am amazed at how the human body can continue to survive for so long without taking in any true nutrients whatsoever.

I have always been an all or nothing kind of person, and it has done nothing but set me up for failure time and time again. If I blow my diet at breakfast, I just throw away the rest of the day. If I have a horrible Monday, I just give up for the whole week. And if I don't have time to get on the treadmill for at least an hour, I don't even consider just maybe doing 20 minutes instead of nothing at all. If I caved in and had a cookie at my morning break, I just let go of the idea of eating an apple for my afternoon snack. It's like once I make a mistake, my mental state breaks down as well, and some little switch in my brain shuts off- the one that normally would tell me to go drink another glass of water! I don't know if anyone else goes through this or not. It's like one little screw up gives me wide open permission to just make more of them.

After spending the weekend looking at my options- stay heavy and unhealthy or bust my ass and take control of my life- I would love to simply take the easy way out and just say to heck with it all and be okay with it. But I am only 43, and I have SO many more years left and I just don't want to spend the rest of them struggling to get up off the couch, or getting winded while I walk around the plus-size section of Wal-Mart. I am back to the one program that has always worked for me, and that's Weight Watchers. Today I wrote down everything in my food journal, and stuck to it. And even though I've been down in my back lately, I made myself do1.5 miles on the treadmill. It's only "Day One" but I haven't had any Day Ones lately at all, so that was the first hurdle for me to get over. And I did. And tomorrow it will be another hurdle as well, and I know every day after that, it will always be a mountain to climb and I will always be tempted to just fall to the wayside.

Weight loss is not going to magically happen, and no one can do it for me BUT me. Support from family and friends is wonderful and makes a big difference, but they still can't burn the calories or drink the water for me. I've even fessed up and changed my weight on my tracker for all to see (I haven't been 200 for months now). I don't expect this to be easy, I know I will struggle, but I always know that with the struggling and the commitment to the struggle, eventually success will also come. I may be out on the rock ledge all by myself, but there is no one else out there who is going to do this for me!

Sandy

The Little (Big) Black Dress

2010-01-17T05:37:00.000-08:00

This weekend I had one of those experiences that many overweight women dread- I had to go clothes shopping for something very specific. Not like when I normally go, on a whim, and happen to find something cute at Kohl's. And not something comfortable like pants with an elastic waistband or a billowy peasant blouse to hide everything. No, I had to find a dress for a work function in two weeks. A "business formal" dress. James has to wear his suit, so I have to look like the other half of a matching set. I don't wear dresses, in fact the last time I had one on it was a few years ago for a friend's funeral. I do have several old dresses hanging in the closet (read: dresses that are too small for me to wear now). So of course those didn't fit, and I gave up after I tried on the first two.

I actually don't like clothes shopping, and I know my husband will tell you I am full of bull and to just look in my closet. But it's true. I wear the same thing over and over again- slacks and a blouse. No skirts, no dresses, no power suits. I love accessories (purses, shoes, jewelry) more than I like the actual clothes. It's not because I'm overweight, but because I've never been froo-froo and I'm basically still a tomboy at heart. So, I don't wear a dress unless it's an absolute requirement. Say, like my wedding. But, the work function is important, a banquet where a lot of the bigwigs will be gathered, and I don't want to be the one wife who sticks out like a sore thumb. I am going as an executive's wife, but I am also an employee there as well.

I started my search here in Newnan. I went to Belk's, and had plans to go to Dillard's after that. But Belk's was depressing, and the only thing I could find that I would even wear in public made me look like a retired school marm. It was awful. I know I'm in my 40's, but this dress added another 10-15 years to me! Everything Belk's had just seemed to scream "PLUS SIZE!" I was so defeated I didn't even go to the next store. But on Saturday my lovely wonderful husband said he would drive us up to Atlanta to anywhere I wanted to go, and we'd find a dress for me. We ended up at Macy's, and I did find a dress (above). I know in this photo it looks like I'm going to a Goth rock concert, but it's actually very nice. It's by Jessica Howard, and here's the model wearing a much skinnier size...

I'm happy with my find, but not satisfied with it. I'm happy because it's formal enough and it fit and I know I will look nice for my husband at the banquet. But I'm not satisfied because I know my size limited my choices. Macy's had a large formal section with dresses in every bright color, with sequins and little straps, but not in my size. At my size, this is what I had to choose from. Why is that?

Yes I'm Still Here

2010-01-10T06:01:00.001-08:00

Do I look confused in this photo from last weekend? Well, I should, because this look on my face is exactly how I feel about my weight loss efforts lately. I have been avoiding this blog like I've been avoiding the scale in my bathroom. But, I did weigh today, for the first time in oh, maybe a month. It wasn't as horrible as I anticipated, but it wasn't a number I really wanted to see either. I knew I had gained weight over the holidays, because of how my clothes have been fitting these days. I started this blog because I wanted to get serious about my weight loss and I wanted another tool to help me focus on it. I read so many other weight loss blogs where folks post their daily successes and struggles, and I was hoping to do the same. I knew once I stopped going to my Weight Watchers meetings, this gain was likely to happen. This has been my pattern in the past- as long as I go to meetings, I keep losing weight. As soon as I stop going, I slowly start to let the pounds creep right back on. I miss my Friday morning meetings, and I especially miss my enthusiastic and inspirational leader Marci. I did check online this morning, and found that although she doesn't do Saturday mornings at the old location (which was an actual WW center), she does do Saturdays at a different location (and a Thursday night one), at a church nearby. James and I are done with vacations and out of town weekend trips for awhile, and right now it's free to join back up with WW. I have to seriously consider this as an option. Hopefully I will have some good news to report soon, so that I can get back on here and get dedicated and focused on this area of my life!

Sandy

Woe Is Me

2009-12-09T17:19:00.001-08:00

Well here is a lovely squinty photo my husband took of me over Thanksgiving weekend. I was hamming it up, but on the inside this is about how I really felt. I was going to come home and post about how I've been doing lately, write out all my sad excuses as to why I've gained 13 pounds since I went back to work in October, and wonder what in the world I was going to do about it. Then a (not so) funny thing happened. Apparently I must have picked up a bug during the holidays, and I came down with strep throat. Not just a mild case, mind you, because I do everything BIG. In fact by the time I finally let my husband convince me to go to the urgent care center, the doctor told me it was one of the worst cases he'd ever seen and it was, as I quote the doc, "quite impressive." Typical symptoms, fever, all sorts of nasty things coming out of me, and a throat that was SO sore and in screaming pain that I couldn't even drink water. In about four days, I lost said13 pounds. Yes, just like that, a snap of the finger, a few days in bed with 103 degree fever, and those pounds were gone. Mind you, I was sick and not at all hungry, even if I could have eaten. I did manage a pack of Jello here and there, and a little ice cream until the milk product and the mucusy yucky on my insides decided to disagree and leave.

After I was back on my feet this Monday, I thought to myself, okay, even though I was sick I am going to use this as a do over and start back out on the right foot. Only, that night my husband and I decided to go out and eat after work, and since I was finally finally able to eat solid food for the first time since last Wednesday, well, I ate pizza like I would never ever get the chance to again. Today it was lunch out with the hubby, Chinese food. Not a good beginning. I won't get on the scale tomorrow, I just won't do it.

This whole episode has reminded me why "dieting" doesn't work. There's the starvation then the big quick weight loss. Then you finally get back to real life and the old way of doing things, and the weight just comes right back. Having strep throat is not a preferred way of dieting, but you get my meaning. However you want to phrase it. Going on a diet. Starting a program. "Going on" and "starting" all have counterparts, which are "going off" and "ending". I know that what I need to do is CHANGE. And make it permanent and make it healthy and make it stick with me in everything that I do and everything that I eat. I feel like I am just struggling along right now, like everyone else, waiting for January 1st. But, I will be 43 on December 31st, so I've put things off now for way too many New Year's Days!

Sandy

Get Ready Get Set!!

2009-11-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

(A cute Thanksgiving table scape at my sister-in-law's house)

Today was the official beginning of "the season" for me. Anyone who has ever been on a diet knows that "the season" is that crazy food-filled time of year that runs from Thanksgiving to New Years. My season began at lunchtime, with the annual company luncheon for employees, where we were treated to a buffet line filled with turkey, ham, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans, mashed potatoes, bread and butter, pumpkin pie, cold cans of soda, and oh yeah, I think there was a salad up there somewhere but I pretended not to see it.

Then at the end of the day they sent us all home with a big frozen turkey (since James and I each get one, he donated his to the local fire department). Tomorrow my department goes out for "our" Thanksgiving lunch, to a popular local buffet here that everyone just loves (me, I eat the mac & cheese, that's about it). I will probably be loosening the buttons on my pants after that, then James and I take off for a quick weekend getaway together (where there will be plenty of meals out), just to catch our breath before the whirlwinds of the holidays begin.

For Christmas, the office has already passed around the sign up sheet for the big accounting luncheon, where I wrote down my famous lemon cake. The day after that, another company-sponsored Christmas luncheon, which I'm sure will spoon up plenty of tasty offerings just like today. Then we get sent home with our yearly gift of spiral cut ham. And as for me at home, my coffee table is covered with magazine clippings and recipe cards, where I will eventually weed out my five or six favorite treats to bake for gifts to co-workers and neighbors.

And these are just work related diet busters! I didn't even mention Thanksgiving and Christmas meals with the families. I suppose I will get around to blogging about that fairly soon. I love the holidays, but man I wish I was a size four so I wouldn't worry about the 5-10 pounds I know I will gain!

Sandy

(Christmas at our old house in South Carolina)

Please Do Not Feed The Humans

2009-11-15T04:51:00.000-08:00

(The cats last night anticipating OUR dinner coming to the table)

When you're trying to lose weight, do you ever feel like everyone else is allowed to eat whatever they want- everyone except for you?

Sandy

(The deer this morning having breakfast in our backyard at the corn feeder)

Up and Down

2009-11-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

Up and down is a golf term that I've learned from my husband- you have one shot to make it up on the green, and a second shot to make it into the hole. But, since I don't play golf, up and down to me is the best way to describe my weight loss for the last few months. I hit my plateau (the green) sometime back in the summer, and I have yet to make it over that hurdle and on to the next phase (getting the ball into the hole). I lost the first 45 pounds in just five to six months, and since then, nothing. The number on the scale goes down and up, up and down. With at least sixty pounds to go, I am getting frustrated- not with the weight loss, but with myself and my lackluster efforts. On my regular Friday morning visit to the scale, I was down a half pound since last week. But, mind you, I'm still working on taking off the weight I gained in Las Vegas last month. However, if things go as they usually do, I will gain weight over the weekend and then settle back into my routine come Monday. Does anyone else go through this? You stay committed to your eating plan during the week, then on the weekend it's like a free for all?

James and I pretty much go out almost every weekend, whether it's out and about town to run errands, or up into Atlanta to hang out, or off to sporting events, or even going out of town for our frequent weekend getaways. So there are always meals out on the weekends. And even when we stay home, which is rare, I always seem to lose track of myself with my snacking. This weekend is no different. If you read my other blog, you know we were expecting company over the weekend, who long story short, wasn't able to come stay with us. But before we knew that, we stocked up the house with chips, dips, crackers, soda, and even a big bag of bagels and cream cheese from Panera. Now mind you, we also went last night and did grocery shopping for all our normal staples of fresh produce, lean meats, and low fat dairy. But I know me, and I know I will be digging into the Wheat Thins and cajun crab dip before I reach for an apple or fat free yogurt. I wasn't out of bed for five minutes this morning and I was chowing down on a big chewy sesame seed bagel. I won't "overdo" it as far as the amount of food I will eat, but I know I won't make the right choices with all the yummy snacks in the house. I just haven't quite made it to that point yet where I can simply turn up my nose at the tub of pimento cheese spread and say to myself, leave it alone.

So later on today, as you are reading this, I will probably be watching a football game or the NASCAR race, with a plate full of cheese and crackers in front of me. And tomorrow I will avoid the scale so I won't have to admit to myself how badly I misbehaved over the weekend. And I will pack my lunch bag for work with my bottled water and yogurt and half a turkey sandwich and tell myself I will walk the straight and narrow all week long. Until next weekend rolls around and we come up with more fun plans for the two of us. Heavy sigh.

(photo of General claiming my jeans last night after we got back from eating out and I was so full I had to put on flannel pj pants instead........)

Sandy

A Weak Week One

2009-11-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Well week one of the new job didn't go quite as perfectly as I'd hoped. The first day there, I was in orientation and training all day long (yes, even though I'd worked for the company for 8 years already, I was considered "new" at the Atlanta office). I brought my lunch bag, pitifully packed with just a can of Slimfast and a Fiber One bar, because I knew I wouldn't be there the full eight hours. That day, it was storming all afternoon and at lunch time, the people doing the training decided that instead of "letting" us go to lunch, they would be nice and order in pizza and soda so we didn't have to go out in the miserable weather. The training would continue while we ate. I was in a room full of men and didn't want to seem the odd bird out, so I ate pizza and Coke along with everyone else. Strike one.

The second day, which was my first real regular day in the office, I packed my lunch bag again, adding a few extra nutritious snacks. Walked right out of the house that morning without it. I realized it was still sitting in the refrigerator, when I was about twenty minutes down the road. I stopped at a gas station with a big convenience store and picked up a Coke Zero and as "healthy" snacks as I could find. I think I ended up with a Slimfast bar and a pack of cheese crackers. I don't think most gas stations are really concerned with those of us watching our calorie intake! There were at least a dozen different types of Little Debbies, but maybe two types of low fat granola bars.... Boo, strike two.

Finally, I got my act together and brought my lunch for the rest of the week. I had a bowl of high fiber cereal and skim milk for breakfast every morning, then took a cup of coffee with me in the car. Lunch was a small turkey sandwich, light string cheese, carrots, a pudding cup, a Fiber One bar, and a bottle of water. This constituted lunch and both snack breaks. It sounds like a lot of food, but by the time I got home at almost six in the evening, I was starved out of my head every night. I had to have another snack to hold me until dinner (James gets home a little later). I'm not sure if I need to add more food to the lunch bag, or more water. I know one bottle isn't nearly enough.

One bit of lucky news is that the group of ladies I work with now are all trying to lose weight, in fact they are all in a competition held by the company that ends in about three weeks. They walk at a very brisk pace on their morning break and afternoon break, out in the parking lot, and asked me to join them. I did, and brought along my trusty pedometer to find we were walking almost one mile on each break. Although I'm not super happy with the way I ate this week, I did get on the scale on Friday morning (when I would normally have weighed at Weight Watchers) and I was down a pound this week. So I guess the pizza and cheese crackers didn't do me in after all. Onward...

Sandy

Home Is Where The Gym Is

2009-10-26T07:50:00.001-07:00

James spent yesterday afternoon putting together the recumbent bike that we bought the other day. I couldn't have put it together if I'd had a month to assemble it, but James made pretty quick work of it, and he even worked out on it right away. We set it up in the master bedroom and moved the treadmill in beside it (below, with Romeo standing guard). It doesn't show in this photo, but they are facing the television- very important of course. The treadmill had been set up in the guest bedroom, which is much smaller and it sort of crowded the room. Before in this spot, we had a chess table set up that we bought a few years ago at an auction. It's beautiful, but I don't play, and the only time the pieces got moved is when the cats jumped up on the table and knocked them over. So the chess table is now in the guest room. Not in the photo is my wooden crate full of free weights, I've got them all the way up to 20 pounds. That's about the extent of my exercise equipment, not counting my step aerobics platforms from a million years ago (the 80's). I do have a nice stack of exercise DVD's, which are sitting in the living room currently collecting dust. Most of them I gave up on, because I am horribly uncoordinated, and you do NOT want to see me try to bust a move with those. I do love my Leslie Sansone DVD's- back in 2003 I used them almost every day and lost over 80 pounds (the same 80 I am trying to shed again now). I've got the workouts from one mile to four miles, but I see she has a five mile one out now! I confess, they're easy and they work, and I'm not sure why I haven't been doing them lately. Tomorrow my new schedule starts, and I will have to find my groove as a full-time working woman. I went to the grocery store this weekend and bought enough healthy food to pack my lunch bag every day and eat at my desk. I also had great luck with finding new clothes, and I was surprised at how many times I went for the larger sizes, only to have to come back out of the fitting room and get a smaller one. That's a super good feeling, especially when you can find them on the clearance rack at Kohl's- my favorite store, their plus size clothes don't make me feel like a second-rate citizen in a potato sack the way some lines do. And hopefully, when I can't fit into the new clothes anymore, it will be because I'm down another size again!! Well, having said all that, I'm headed off to ride the new bike...

Sandy

Dress For Success

2009-10-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

So today I did a lot of blank staring at the clothes hanging in my closet, trying to make decisions. I told James today that I want to dress more professional for my new job starting next week. I will be making more money, and have a position with more face to face contact with the sales staff, and I want my new supervisor to be happy that she picked me out of all the other many applicants. Before, when I worked for the same company back in SC, I was there almost eight years and frankly, I was so comfortable with everyone there and my place in the department, that I stopped worrying about what kind of impression I made on people. I had no contact with the public. I worked off hours so that for the first 3 hours of the day, I was the only one there at all. There were days I schlepped into work wearing the same capris and sandals I would wear to the beach. When you're heavy, sometimes it doesn't matter how nicely you are dressed or how put together your outfit is, you still feel like a slob and a mess. I had many days like that. But I don't want that for myself anymore. I will be working with complete strangers who don't know anything about me at all, and I know first impressions are usually lasting ones. So, I've been thumbing through the pieces in my closet and finding What Not To Wear, instead of finding the right clothes I should be wearing. Suddenly nothing I have in my closet seems good enough for me to wear when I go out into the world and meet my new co-workers. When I was at home all day long, no one saw me but the cats, and they are surprisingly nonjudgmental. I have trouble letting go of clothes, but I do try to donate to Goodwill as often as I can. I have things that I still wear simply because they are comfortable, not because they look good on me or fit properly. Okay, so I love my Life Is Good shirts and I won't get rid of those no matter how worn out they are. But do I really need to keep (and keep wearing) that shirt I bought at Target two years ago that is now too big and is starting to fuzz up with age? I know I've talked about this before on my other blog, but now it has a more significant meaning since I'll be working again and meeting new people. This weekend I'll have to spend a good deal of time trying on clothes shoved in the back of the closet that I haven't seen in awhile, and putting together (matching) outfits for work. And yes, I will probably do a little shopping too, because what woman doesn't love a good excuse for buying new clothes? I haven't really had to "worry" about how I dressed in a very very long while- probably the last time I took extra care in my clothing choices was back when I was dating James!!!- but next week I will feel like a debutante making her entrance. I know the new person in the office always gets scoped out with a critical eye, because come on, who of us hasn't done that to the new receptionist or the temp?? And at my size, I can't simply fade into the woodwork, so I might as well straighten my shoulders and wear a brand new blouse...

Sandy

Check This Out

2009-10-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

If anyone needs a little extra inspiration- and who doesn't- please go check out Tosca Reno's website. I have all her books and am trying to ultimately work my way towards following her food plan. Yes, with Weight Watchers you have the ability to eat whatever you want as long as you stick with your points. Tosca may not be a household name like Jillian Michaels, but I love Tosca's fresh approach to eating clean. It's real and it's not gimicky and it's healthy. I discovered her book The Eat-Clean Diet about two years ago and have read all her books now. I have fallen backwards and have been relying on Lean Cuisines and the like to keep me on the right path, but I know processed foods are high in sodium, full of chemicals, and not realistic if I want to lose the weight and keep it off for good this time. Tosca did it all on her own, and if you go see her before and after pics, you will be impressed. Has anyone else out there checked out her cookbook yet? Let me know what you think about it.

Sandy

Nothing Earth Shattering

2009-10-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

No news to report today, as I struggle with getting rid of the pounds I gained on vacation. I do it every time we go out of town, so I am not shocked that it happened again. (Who ever lost weight in Vegas? Money yes, weight no!) But I know I will have to toughen my resolve as my life and schedule change drastically next week. On Tuesday I go back to work full time, after ten months of staying at home. I will be working 8-5, like the rest of the world, after about six+ years of working 4am-noon. It's a 30-40 minute drive to my new office, thankfully through beautiful winding countryside on roads with little to no traffic- so no stress or road rage to put me in a mood. I will be gone from home now from 7 in the morning until probably close to 6 at night. I know, that's how the whole world turns! But, it's been a very very long time for me since I held down "regular" hours. I will no longer be able to make my Friday morning meetings to Weight Watchers, and if you read my other blog then you already know going on the weekends will be nearly impossible since James and I so often go out of town, or at least get into Atlanta. And of course housework that I was able to do during the week will now have to undoubtedly be shifted to the weekends. It will be a big adjustment, but I don't have any desire to give up the fight yet. I plan to carry my lunch to work and avoid the pitfalls of eating out with co-workers (one of which is the hubby), and I will go back to emptying my wallet of any change so I'm not tempted by the vending machines. These are all traps I have experience with, and I know they are easy to give in to on days when stress and deadlines and work loads become too much to shoulder. I am less concerned about my diet (easy to control, I can only eat what I bring with me to the office) and I'm more worried about finding the time to exercise now. I know me, and I already know I will kiss the gym bye-bye. I won't make the time to go. But, I absolutely love my treadmill and as long as the battery is charged in my iPod, I can stay on there for four and five miles at a shot. Now that we have the new recumbent bike (above- much assembly required) to set up right beside the treadmill, there will be no whining about how it's too cold outside to walk or how I don't have time to make it to yoga class. Both of these pieces are going to be placed right in front of a TV, so I can't even use the excuse of a new episode of NCIS as a reason to skip working out. I am mostly worried about my use of time in the evenings now, since I will have very little of it. I've had the luxury lately of twelve and thirteen hour days home alone to exercise whenever I wanted to, and now I am going to have to make myself set up a structured schedule and stick to it. I've always been fantastic at time management at the office, but boy I suck at it when I'm at home...We'll see how it goes, starting next week...

Sandy

Getting Over Vacation

2009-10-20T13:11:00.001-07:00

Vacation- that time when we step out of our real lives for just a short while and discover new places and new experiences. Sadly, I stepped back on the scale when I got home. NOT pretty. Vegas wasn't kind to me this trip, and even though I ate "less" than I did when we were there in April, I think I ate more unfriendly foods this time. And I sat on my butt more this time, too, which didn't help. I think we only ate two meals a day- I only remember getting up to have breakfast once. But I also tried to branch out and eat different things this trip. One afternoon we had Korean food, very delish but also swimming in some thick sauces that surely had to be high in calories and fat. One night we went to a fancy burger joint that gave you a list of about 100 ingredients you could top your burger with- I had my usual rare burger, and topped it with goat cheese and of course, the always present mayonnaise. I inhaled it before the waitress could come back around and refill my water glass, it was SO good. (I'm telling you people, if you get the chance, order your burger rare- you will never want it any other way again!) Dinner on our last night was a spectacular meal of Chateaubriand- and while I didn't finish my lovely green beans that accompanied it, I sure didn't waste time ordering the creme brulee for dessert. I couldn't even behave the one day we went out for brunch (above)- this is Vegas' version of one pancake, and yes it was as big as the platter it came on and although the photo doesn't show it, it was an inch thick (check out James' towering breakfast below).

So is there any wonder that yesterday we went out and bought a recumbent bike, to crank up the exercise routine a notch? Yes, we need it after this trip!

Sandy

I Survived

2009-10-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through the weekend visit with my parents, and am happy to say I didn't blow it. Our decision to stay out of the restaurants really paid off. Although we did meet James for lunch on Friday afternoon- at our favorite pizza place that serves calzones as big as hubcaps- that was my only misstep. Saturday night I made my famous buffalo wings. I used to make them the way the rest of the world does- deep fried in a pot of oil. But awhile back we made them in the oven instead- baked with no oil. And I'm here to tell you that once they get tossed in the sauce, I dare you to tell the difference between my baked wings and the normal fried ones. You can't! I know wings in general are a fatty tidbit all on their own, and baking them actually gets some of the grease out and leaves it behind on the cookie sheet. The key is baking them for a long time at a low temperature (an hour at 350), until they get "crisp" just like they would right in the fryer. Sunday night we had planned for steaks on the grill, but by dinnertime everyone was sort of in a happy, lazy mood from watching football, golf, and NASCAR all day, so I don't think anyone wanted to go through the hassle of cooking (and eating) (and cleaning up after) a big meal. I ended up having a salad for dinner that night, and was just as happy with that as I would have been the steak.

I wish I could say all of this was due to sheer willpower on my part, but I think it was more because I'm fighting a horrible cold/allergies. I spent more time this weekend with Benadryl, vitamin C, and my neti pot than anything else. I was not really that interested in food, although I did eat my fair share of wings. What is it about having a soar throat, runny nose, and congested head that suddenly makes even my favorite foods seem unappealing? Maybe I have stumbled onto a secret for losing weight! Trust me, if I could bottle up my allergies, I would give them away to the first taker. Most people think that spring is the season for allergies, when everything is blooming. But the sad fact is that fall is the worst season, and yet it's my favorite season for being outdoors and keeping the windows open. There's a price to pay!

But today starts a whole new challenge, as we are leaving for a week of vacation. We just planned this vacation a few days ago, about as last minute as they get. But of course the spontaneity is part of the adventure. I'll blog about it when we get back, but right now I feel equal parts excitement and dread about how I will eat this week. Another thing that is tough about trying to lose weight...it sometimes overshadows all the fun you're supposed to be having!

Sandy

Gym and Jim

2009-10-08T04:49:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I have not been going to the gym lately. I have been making excuse after excuse, and none of them are valid enough. Really, is doing the laundry ever a good enough reason to skip the yoga class? I started going to Atlanta Fitness for the yoga, but very quickly learned that "yoga" at the gym was not the kind of yoga I was looking for. The class name, Centergy, should have given it away. The class is actually a fast-paced aerobics class that happens to use yoga poses and movements for the routine. Not to say that I don't need to burn more calories, but I was looking for very traditional yoga, where the movements were all about holding the poses, stretching the muscles, and deep breathing from your core. You know, the kind where you sit on the mat and inhale and exhale for five minutes. My therapist recommended this to help with my leg pain. And I'd taken yoga in the past and enjoyed it. Anyhow, the yoga at the gym was not what I wanted. I ended up going just to use the treadmill (which I have at home) and the recumbent bike.

But James and I have been looking at recumbent bikes lately. His sister has one and James used it during our last visit, and he liked it. And I like using it at the gym. So we're seriously contemplating the purchase of one for our home. We've narrowed our search down to two models (above). The NordicTrack is the model his sister has, and it's got all the bells and whistles and a big wide cushy seat (for those of us with excess gluteus maximus issues). But, it's sort of pricey. Okay, it's actually fairly expensive. The other model is by Gold's Gym, and it's less than half the price, but it too has a lot of great features. Does anyone out there have any experience with either of these models, to offer any advice or recommendations? I am sadly one of those brainwashed Americans who automatically thinks that the more expensive something is, the better quality is just HAS to be. So if any of you have any suggestions on recumbent bikes, please let me know. James is going back out today to look at the Gold's Gym bike, so hopefully we will be deciding soon. And then I can ride the bike while watching NCIS, instead of sitting on my ever-expanding gluteus maximus on the couch at night!! Oh yeah, and I can save on the gym fees as well...

Sandy

Sometimes It Works!

2009-10-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

So sometimes the science experiment does work, as it did for lunch yesterday. Okay, I admit I love pizza, I could eat it for every meal if given the option. On my really bad days, I would indulge in a frozen pizza from the store, like a DiGiorno. The only problem is, I would settle in on the couch to watch TV and eat the whole thing myself. For most of you reading this, you've possibly done the same thing in the past. The pizza that I preferred- the cheese garlic bread pizza- has a total of (drum roll please) 2100 calories and 84 grams of fat. Shocking, I know. You think, hey, it's just a frozen pizza. But I looked it up and a piece of the frozen DiGiorno has exactly the same numbers as the Pizza Hut cheese pan pizza- 350 calories and 14 grams of fat per slice. We all know how cheesy and gooey and greasy Pizza Hut is, right? So, surely a cheap frozen pizza is better for me? Apparently not.

I do keep Lean Cuisine pizzas in the house, but they just don't satisfy the craving when it's a bad day. And yesterday was a bad day. So I had to find middle ground. Enter Lavash bread. I confess, I've never had it before, but the other day at the store James and I spied a bag of Lavash roll-up bread among all the bags of pitas and tortillas. One piece has only 100 calories and 4 grams of fat, and 6 grams of fiber. The style we bought is made with whole wheat, flax, and oat bran. With just a small amount of finely shredded cheese, and a little Pam sprayed on top to give it a nice glisten, I turned out a wonderful little (very) thin crust pizza. (Photo above.) The whole thing had less calories and fat than one slice of the DiGiorno variety. And it definitely hit the spot I needed it to.

I'm sure when Lavash bread was invented in ancient days, they never intended for it to be a substitute for Pizza Hut, but it worked well for me!

Sandy

Progress

2009-10-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well, this is progress from the last photo of weigh-in, and I will take it. Getting below 200 is my greatest goal for right now. It's been a long time. I think the last time my weight started with a one, is in early 2006, and I was pushing the 200's at my wedding in February of that year. I must be the only bride in the world who didn't go on a diet in the months before her wedding. Anywho, hopefully some time next week I will be able to post a photo with a number "1" taking up the first position. My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and in the past we would have gone out to eat A LOT. But we've all made the decision to stay in and make our meals this go round, for many reasons. That's not to say we won't have fun and enjoy the visit and have a great time together. I know we'll play cards, we'll watch football, and get to catch up on a lot of talking. After all, that's what spending time together means.

In my last Weight Watchers meeting, we focused on eating out. We of course had the discussion about gigantic portion sizes, and how Americans have come to expect it. One woman, who visited Italy recently, talked about how eating out there was a long affair and many small courses were delivered to the table over an hour or two. Here, we can barely finish our salads, and the waitress is throwing the entree at you! I personally would rather have a small plate of delicious food, than a big plate of just plain ol' blech. But it seems as though we are programmed to equate dollars signs with how much food we get, not the quality.

In the meeting we also talked about why we automatically chose to go out to eat in order to socialize with someone. We meet for drinks or coffee, lunch or dinner. Getting together with girlfriends, another couple, out of town visitors. It's always going out for food. And I don't know why. I can have a nice conversation with my husband over the dinner table at home just as easily as I can at Olive Garden. But it's true, and it seems in this economy we all still meet up with friends to visit over a large pizza or an endless basket of fries or a 620 calorie coffee (that would be for my drink of choice at Starbucks, which also has 27 grams of fat!).

So for this visit with the folks, we're going to try to stay in the whole time, at least as far as meals go. That's not to say we're going to sit around nibbling on lettuce. No, we'll probably grill ribs or make wings in the oven, for college football Saturday. But I find being able to control your environment, and your ingredients, is a lot healthier than just taking whatever they serve up at the local BBQ shack!

Sandy

Science Experiment

2009-10-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

One of the most challenging parts about losing weight is changing the way you eat. At least for me. I am not a good cook at all- unless it's something cheesy and fatty and Italian (oh wait, that's me). Even so, I do try to find new recipes here and there, to wedge in between the endless nights of baked chicken and steamed veggies. I have a small library of cookbooks and cooking magazines, amassed back in the day before I discovered Cooks.com and the Food Network. Last week I decided it was time to break out the Crock Pot, and dig up something new to throw in it. Above would be a recipe I located in a slow cooker cookbook from 1995. I should have left it, undiscovered, back in '95. This is Spicy Pineapple Pork Chili, which looked great on paper. Only, there was hardly any pork and even less "spice". The dried beans were still crunchy, even after nine hours of cooking. It was worse than my own old tried and true chili recipe. Something about the fall weather just makes me crave homemade soups and casseroles and yummy concoctions from the Crock Pot- but, this was definitely not one of them. But, we try to be a thrifty household and the leftovers got tucked away into the freezer. I'm sure I will revisit them before the season is over, but I definitely won't be making another fresh batch of this again. On to the next new recipe...

Sandy

Extra Credit!

2009-10-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

I decided to revisit my weight loss tracker at the bottom of my page. I started it back when I first joined Weight Watchers. But then I realized, I'd lost a few pounds on my own at the beginning of the year before starting WW. I felt like I was short changing my efforts by not recording it and not "counting" those pounds, too. So I've updated the tracker now, to reflect my true weight loss for the whole year and to give myself the credit where credit is due!! Hey, I've earned it!

Sandy

Change...

2009-10-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I couldn't look at that other gross photo of me any longer!!!!! So instead here's a nice one of me and the husband in the Virgin Islands last year.

I Didn't Chicken Out

2009-10-02T11:25:00.001-07:00

So here I was this morning, sitting in my car outside of Weight Watchers. I got there ten minutes early, so I had plenty of time to reflect on the deeper reasons of why I was there and why I needed to be there. I decided that since I drove 30 miles to get to the meeting, it would be a waste to not weigh. I was surprised and shocked. Only a 1.4 lb gain. I guess getting back on the right track earlier in the week paid off. It was all the encouragement that I needed. I was dreading weigh-in for no good reason whatsoever. My previous meeting a month ago, I had a 1.4 lb loss. So, I feel as though I am back at a great starting point, and I'm wiping the slate clean and giving myself the second chance that I need. In the past, I would have just given up, and maybe when January of the next year rolled around, I would slink back into a meeting. I've still got a whole quarter of a year left! So instead of spending the holiday season on the sidelines in 2009, just passively waiting for the year to end and New Year's Resolutions to begin, I'm instead going to set myself up with a goal of losing at least another ten pounds before 2010 gets here!

Sandy

Advance Planning

2009-10-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

Above is the last entry from my Weight Watchers book where my weigh-ins are recorded. As you can see from the date of 9/4- it's been almost a month since I stepped foot inside a meeting. Sure, I've got a zillion reasons why I was absent those weeks- it was storming rain, I was on my period, I overslept- but the fact is in the month that I've been skipping meetings, I gained 8 pounds back. From the first week I started in February, until I fell off the wagon last month, I'd only had two meetings where I gained weight, and both times I had just returned from vacations. Forgivable sins. All the other weigh-ins were successful and hard-fought losses. My leader always insists that going to meetings is the surest way to stay on track with weight loss. Just "knowing" how to follow the program isn't always enough. There's the accountability of weigh-ins, the support of fellow members, and the information and tips provided at the meetings. And in the back of my mind, I've known all along that she is right. The only time Weight Watchers has ever worked for me- and it has- is when I go to the meetings and go face the scale. Their scale. Not the one I have in the dark corner of my own bathroom, where no one else knows my trials except for me and the dust bunnies.

My meetings are early on Friday mornings, and in the past I have always been delighted to load up my cute little bag with my WW gear, get all dressed up, and drive the half hour to the center in Peachtree City. On the way home, I always stop and do a little shopping, sometimes even meeting the husband for lunch out. I always looked forward to Fridays. Tomorrow is Friday, and I want to go to my meeting with every ounce in my soul. But I know what that little sticker will have printed on it. The one they stick in my permanent book, the one that announces what the scale records when I step on it. I just don't know if I want to see that in print tomorrow morning. Of course, I know how much I've gained, because I weigh here at home. And even though their scale always weighs me heavier (don't they always!), it is still a gain of several pounds. I plan on going to the meeting, I just haven't decided yet if I am too chicken to weigh officially or not. See, I do have a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Specifically, a coupon I can turn in at the front desk where they will allow me to attend the meeting but bypass the scale. Tonight I'm trying to decide if I want to use it, or just go face the music. I already KNOW how much I've gained, so why is it bothering me SO much to know that it will be recorded for eternity in my little book? Silly, huh??

I don't think I will know until I walk through the door if I'm going to weigh or not.

Sandy

Distant Strangers

2009-09-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

I don't like veggies- I never have, and I don't know why. I tend to keep them at a safe distance away from my plate. If you are a fellow Weight Watchers member, then you know how much the program stresses eating vegetables. At least my leader does. She is always trying to steer us away from the evil that is processed foods, and into the direct oncoming path of a whole food freight train. Perhaps it's because at her house, she and her two children suffer from celiac disease and she has to pretty much make all their meals from scratch so that she can control the ingredients. Still, anyone on WW also knows that veggies are low in points, and since we are limited in the number of points we can consume, and since we all got overweight by eating too much to begin with- well, we try to combine quantity with low points. In other words, we're all trying to eat as much as possible but still stay within our points limit for the day. Enter the vegetable- most are low in points, some are even zero points.

Logically, we would all shove aside the fatty (high point) foods like burgers or pizzas or nachos and instead consume vegetables morning, noon, and night. Logically. So why can't I see beyond stinky broccoli or flavorless cauliflower? Why can't I eat any other vegetable besides buttery starchy corn? I can make myself a gigantic salad loaded with plenty of fresh tomatoes and cucumbers, but my salads are also loaded down with cheese, bacon, croutons, and lots of dressing. I know in my head that I should be serving fresh vegetables with every meal, but my taste buds usually overrule my brain cells. But for dinner this evening I'm going to give it the good ol' college try, and open up this scary looking bag hidden in the freezer. It's six pounds of vegetable madness, and I'm going to dish it up tonight. Mind you, not all six pounds at once.

The ironic part of this tale is that my husband absolutely LOVES vegetables, he swears he could adhere to the vegetarian lifestyle and be mighty happy about it. So as a dutiful wife, do you think I could put veggies on the dinner table a little more often? Yeah, I'll have to work on that...

Sandy

(Spider is ready to help Mom make dinner tonight.)

Where Did I Go Wrong?

2009-09-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

It was hard work, losing those 45 pounds since Christmas of 2008. But it was barely the halfway point. Then somehow, somewhere, my resolve slipped away without me even realizing it. My bad habits started to creep back into my daily routine and I didn't even notice. Or did I? Over the summer it seemed like whenever I went into town for an errand, I managed to find myself reaching into the little cold case at the register. I'm not sure what internal conversation I had with myself every time, to justify yet another bottle of Coke and maybe a small pack of cookies to go with it. The occasional treat turned into a weekly habit, and then suddenly I lapsed every time I was in a store- be it Target, Kroger's, CVS, even PetSmart- oftentimes now it is two or three times a week. Once last week, I even bought two Cokes at the same time- one to drink while I was in the car running around town, and one to take home for later on that night. I'd skipped breakfast, it was lunchtime, it was Friday. There is always an excuse. After all, I'm an adult, I don't need anyone's permission to have a soda and chips in place of an actual healthy meal. Right??

Then there is my habit of always ordering the biggest thing on the menu, whether it's a fast food combo or lunch at an Italian restaurant. A very old habit, and one I still struggle with, and I probably always will. I know, the easiest way to nip that in the bud is to not go out and eat. But I love going out with James, and I don't intend to put the kibosh on date night with the hubby. After all, there really are healthy choices out there. I just don't make them. Something inside of me makes my eyeballs skip right over the salad section of the menu, and go over to the pasta or the burgers. I open my mouth to say water, but Coke comes out instead.

But it's the start of a new season now, we're getting ready to flip yet another calendar page over. The weather is cooling off, the skies are a clear bright blue, and I'm going to take a good hard look at my habits and the choices that I make. Both need to be overhauled dramatically. Before the food extravaganza known as "the holidays" gets here...

Sandy

Back to Basics

2009-09-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided to start a new blog, about my weight loss efforts. Which have seriously faltered lately. I haven't been going to Weight Watchers regularly (my leader keeps sending me postcards that say "we miss you!"). I rarely count my points anymore, and can't even find my food journal. I don't remember the last time I got on the treadmill here at the house much less the one at the gym. After reaching a glorious 199 for about all of five minutes last month, this is where I'm at today (below). I have no one to blame but myself, and no excuses that can justify this slide backwards. I fell off the diet wagon all by myself, no one pushed me off. So I am going to rededicate myself to the Weight Watchers program and regain my focus on exercise. I know it's a lot of excess pounds to carry, but I'm climbing back up on the wagon as of right this second. I realize it's going to be a bumpy ride, but I'm going to do my best to hold on tight and not get thrown off again!

Sandy