I want to blog every evening, but it seems that at the end of the day I have nothing positive to say, and I get tired of whining, so I just don't want to post anything.
I am having deep self-esteem issues with my weight this go round, even though I'm in my 40's and you would think those days would be a thing of the past. But, with just the little bit of weight I have regained since going back to work- a small number but enough to send me back into a bigger size of clothing- my confidence level has just spiraled downward lately. And of course all of that frustration and self-doubt gives me anxiety over the smallest things anymore, and I get overwhelmed or stressed out, I feel blue or defeated, or the worst of them all- I act pissy. It seems like every negative emotion I have been experiencing lately, I can connect the dots and draw a line straight back to my weight. Whether it's my lack of energy to do housework that leaves me feeling worthless and lazy, or the way I fit in my clothes that makes me feel frumpy and unattractive, or the days when I say I give up I can't do it and I just excuse myself to have a few cookies to take the edge off. And however I am feeling at the moment, I have trouble hiding it from the rest of the world, and lately it's been manifesting itself into negative behavior that is out of character for me. I hate the way I feel anymore, and I don't just mean physically. I hate the way I feel about myself.
James always says, "Why do you get so down on yourself all the time?" and he is right, I do. No one else beats me up about my weight, no one but me. No one else makes me feel bad because of the number on the scale, no one but me. No one else is calling me lazy because I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, no one but me! I have no other issues in my life to cause me such unhappiness. I have an absolutely phenomenal husband, I have a great job, we both make good money and enjoy it, all of our family is still alive and healthy, we have a beautiful home and many many nice possessions and we travel more than we stay home. There is nothing that I could ever want for that I don't already have, from the love of a wonderful man all the way to my collection of Dooney purses and everything in between! My life is as perfect as I could ever ever want it to be.
But my body- my weight- is an ENORMOUS black cloud hanging over that life, constantly drenching me with cold depressing rain and forever threatening to zap me with a white hot bolt of lightening! And my hate for that extra 60+ pounds I am carrying, just overshadows all the other positive parts of my daily existence. I think about my weight and my size constantly, almost every minute I am awake. From the time I get out of bed in the morning and have to put on clothes for work, all day long at the office whenever I have to walk down the hallways in front of other people, and then in the evenings when it comes time to decide what to have (and how much) for dinner. My weight probably takes up about 90% of my thoughts during the day. That can't be healthy!!!
I have no excuses, and yet I make them all the time. It seems as though since I started this blog, I have only talked about losing weight, and what I "plan" to do or what I "hope" to accomplish. There is very little in the way of results here, or success I can share proudly. Talking about losing weight, wishing I can lose weight, making plans to start losing weight- that phase of my life is pointless anymore. I have talked it to death, I have started umpteen food journals and exercise logs, I have rejoined Weight Watchers at the start of every year since 1994 now. What I want to do and what I've been doing are a galaxy apart. Some days I feel like I need to build a space ship just to get to where I want to be, and I'm no rocket scientist.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's hard, and I don't know what the secret is. But I am having a hard time right now just being happy with my life- because of my weight, and I can't seem to live in the moment and I rarely find enjoyment in just being alive and being me. Going back to work was exactly what I wanted and needed, and on certain levels it gave me a boost of confidence, but it didn't last long. It's been less than five months now, and the shininess of a new job has worn off, and I am back to being dull and tired and fat and full of self-pity. At least that's how I feel. I don't think anyone out there looks at me and sees those things, because I still get all dressed up for work and try to look my best and always smile and run around the office energetically trying to get all my work done. People always think of me as friendly, hard-working, smart, funny, pretty, whatever.
I just don't see myself that way these days. All the fat looking back at me in the mirror is blocking my view.
I am having deep self-esteem issues with my weight this go round, even though I'm in my 40's and you would think those days would be a thing of the past. But, with just the little bit of weight I have regained since going back to work- a small number but enough to send me back into a bigger size of clothing- my confidence level has just spiraled downward lately. And of course all of that frustration and self-doubt gives me anxiety over the smallest things anymore, and I get overwhelmed or stressed out, I feel blue or defeated, or the worst of them all- I act pissy. It seems like every negative emotion I have been experiencing lately, I can connect the dots and draw a line straight back to my weight. Whether it's my lack of energy to do housework that leaves me feeling worthless and lazy, or the way I fit in my clothes that makes me feel frumpy and unattractive, or the days when I say I give up I can't do it and I just excuse myself to have a few cookies to take the edge off. And however I am feeling at the moment, I have trouble hiding it from the rest of the world, and lately it's been manifesting itself into negative behavior that is out of character for me. I hate the way I feel anymore, and I don't just mean physically. I hate the way I feel about myself.
James always says, "Why do you get so down on yourself all the time?" and he is right, I do. No one else beats me up about my weight, no one but me. No one else makes me feel bad because of the number on the scale, no one but me. No one else is calling me lazy because I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, no one but me! I have no other issues in my life to cause me such unhappiness. I have an absolutely phenomenal husband, I have a great job, we both make good money and enjoy it, all of our family is still alive and healthy, we have a beautiful home and many many nice possessions and we travel more than we stay home. There is nothing that I could ever want for that I don't already have, from the love of a wonderful man all the way to my collection of Dooney purses and everything in between! My life is as perfect as I could ever ever want it to be.
But my body- my weight- is an ENORMOUS black cloud hanging over that life, constantly drenching me with cold depressing rain and forever threatening to zap me with a white hot bolt of lightening! And my hate for that extra 60+ pounds I am carrying, just overshadows all the other positive parts of my daily existence. I think about my weight and my size constantly, almost every minute I am awake. From the time I get out of bed in the morning and have to put on clothes for work, all day long at the office whenever I have to walk down the hallways in front of other people, and then in the evenings when it comes time to decide what to have (and how much) for dinner. My weight probably takes up about 90% of my thoughts during the day. That can't be healthy!!!
I have no excuses, and yet I make them all the time. It seems as though since I started this blog, I have only talked about losing weight, and what I "plan" to do or what I "hope" to accomplish. There is very little in the way of results here, or success I can share proudly. Talking about losing weight, wishing I can lose weight, making plans to start losing weight- that phase of my life is pointless anymore. I have talked it to death, I have started umpteen food journals and exercise logs, I have rejoined Weight Watchers at the start of every year since 1994 now. What I want to do and what I've been doing are a galaxy apart. Some days I feel like I need to build a space ship just to get to where I want to be, and I'm no rocket scientist.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's hard, and I don't know what the secret is. But I am having a hard time right now just being happy with my life- because of my weight, and I can't seem to live in the moment and I rarely find enjoyment in just being alive and being me. Going back to work was exactly what I wanted and needed, and on certain levels it gave me a boost of confidence, but it didn't last long. It's been less than five months now, and the shininess of a new job has worn off, and I am back to being dull and tired and fat and full of self-pity. At least that's how I feel. I don't think anyone out there looks at me and sees those things, because I still get all dressed up for work and try to look my best and always smile and run around the office energetically trying to get all my work done. People always think of me as friendly, hard-working, smart, funny, pretty, whatever.
I just don't see myself that way these days. All the fat looking back at me in the mirror is blocking my view.
You have a lot going for you: a job you like and a happy marriage. There are many people who can't seem to make that happen.
ReplyDeleteI always thought that when I got to my goal weight I'd be happy but I found (to my delight) that I felt happier once I actually started working at it. I'm a boatload of pounds away from my goal but I feel happy just feeling in control and knowing that I'm headed in the right direction (maybe as slow as molasses but nevertheless). When I stopped talking about it and started to actually do it, my cloud lifted.