I Can Do It

So this is the photo of me that everybody in the family just loves, when I was a lot thinner and before I cut off all my hair. It was taken in spring 2004, and after having reached my highest weight ever just a few years earlier, I was down to about 150 here, and just fitting into a brand new pair of size 12 jeans. Which I wore twice, and which are still in my closet as my ultimate "clothes goal". How did I lose the 90 pounds, all in 2003? With devotion to Weight Watchers, my treadmill, and my Leslie Sansone DVD's. Although I had the right tools, I unfortunately had the wrong mindset.

This is going to be an honest post that I hope doesn't offend James- he's heard it before anyhow. But, in 2003, I was SO angry and frankly, disgusted, with my ex-husband that I found every way and every reason to avoid him. When he would come home from work, I would go into another room and stay on the treadmill for sometimes two hours, just to get away from him. Or I would put on headphones and go walk the neighborhood around and around, just to be out of the house. My Weight Watchers gave me a reason to be gone from the house on Saturday mornings, to meet up with a girlfriend and fellow member afterward for coffee and long chats. I would live off Lean Cuisines, but by that time the ex and I no longer sat down to meals together anyhow.

I remember being on the treadmill every evening, listening to my music loud, and pounding out all the frustration and unhappiness- and I would go as long and as hard as my body would let me, sometimes until I was completely exhausted and the bad feelings were just drained out of me. The result was, of course, the weight loss. And yes the result was fantastic, and everyone back home was just amazed when I came to visit (when the photo was taken). But at the point of this photo, the ex was out of my life, and James was in it, and the anger and bitterness and sadness and all the other things I had been feeling were gone. I was happy and finally in love with the right man. No suppressed fury to pound away on the treadmill, no heaviness in my heart that needed uplifting with music and a walk around the block.

And no, this story is not to imply that James had anything to do with me gaining most of the weight back. Of course not! The fault is with me, because when I lost that weight in 2003, I did it for the wrong reasons. Not for my health, not for myself, not for a better life. The whole time, with every mile walked, with every pound lost, I felt like I was shedding the heavy weight that was on my shoulders from a bad marriage, and that had nothing to do with my actual physical weight. Once that marriage was over, once the burden was lifted all at once, I relaxed. With everything. And that included the exercising and the eating. I can't explain it. It was as though my anger was driving me, motivating me, and once the anger was gone, so was the motivation. I had the physical tools to get me to goal, but I did not have the mental tools to keep me there.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. But I know that I have my first weigh-in with Weight Watchers tomorrow, and I am very happy to be back there again. And this time, it's NOT because I'm mad at anyone, that's for sure!

Sandy