Whatever

I want to blog every evening, but it seems that at the end of the day I have nothing positive to say, and I get tired of whining, so I just don't want to post anything.

I am having deep self-esteem issues with my weight this go round, even though I'm in my 40's and you would think those days would be a thing of the past. But, with just the little bit of weight I have regained since going back to work- a small number but enough to send me back into a bigger size of clothing- my confidence level has just spiraled downward lately. And of course all of that frustration and self-doubt gives me anxiety over the smallest things anymore, and I get overwhelmed or stressed out, I feel blue or defeated, or the worst of them all- I act pissy. It seems like every negative emotion I have been experiencing lately, I can connect the dots and draw a line straight back to my weight. Whether it's my lack of energy to do housework that leaves me feeling worthless and lazy, or the way I fit in my clothes that makes me feel frumpy and unattractive, or the days when I say I give up I can't do it and I just excuse myself to have a few cookies to take the edge off. And however I am feeling at the moment, I have trouble hiding it from the rest of the world, and lately it's been manifesting itself into negative behavior that is out of character for me. I hate the way I feel anymore, and I don't just mean physically. I hate the way I feel about myself.

James always says, "Why do you get so down on yourself all the time?" and he is right, I do. No one else beats me up about my weight, no one but me. No one else makes me feel bad because of the number on the scale, no one but me. No one else is calling me lazy because I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, no one but me! I have no other issues in my life to cause me such unhappiness. I have an absolutely phenomenal husband, I have a great job, we both make good money and enjoy it, all of our family is still alive and healthy, we have a beautiful home and many many nice possessions and we travel more than we stay home. There is nothing that I could ever want for that I don't already have, from the love of a wonderful man all the way to my collection of Dooney purses and everything in between! My life is as perfect as I could ever ever want it to be.

But my body- my weight- is an ENORMOUS black cloud hanging over that life, constantly drenching me with cold depressing rain and forever threatening to zap me with a white hot bolt of lightening! And my hate for that extra 60+ pounds I am carrying, just overshadows all the other positive parts of my daily existence. I think about my weight and my size constantly, almost every minute I am awake. From the time I get out of bed in the morning and have to put on clothes for work, all day long at the office whenever I have to walk down the hallways in front of other people, and then in the evenings when it comes time to decide what to have (and how much) for dinner. My weight probably takes up about 90% of my thoughts during the day. That can't be healthy!!!

I have no excuses, and yet I make them all the time. It seems as though since I started this blog, I have only talked about losing weight, and what I "plan" to do or what I "hope" to accomplish. There is very little in the way of results here, or success I can share proudly. Talking about losing weight, wishing I can lose weight, making plans to start losing weight- that phase of my life is pointless anymore. I have talked it to death, I have started umpteen food journals and exercise logs, I have rejoined Weight Watchers at the start of every year since 1994 now. What I want to do and what I've been doing are a galaxy apart. Some days I feel like I need to build a space ship just to get to where I want to be, and I'm no rocket scientist.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's hard, and I don't know what the secret is. But I am having a hard time right now just being happy with my life- because of my weight, and I can't seem to live in the moment and I rarely find enjoyment in just being alive and being me. Going back to work was exactly what I wanted and needed, and on certain levels it gave me a boost of confidence, but it didn't last long. It's been less than five months now, and the shininess of a new job has worn off, and I am back to being dull and tired and fat and full of self-pity. At least that's how I feel. I don't think anyone out there looks at me and sees those things, because I still get all dressed up for work and try to look my best and always smile and run around the office energetically trying to get all my work done. People always think of me as friendly, hard-working, smart, funny, pretty, whatever.

I just don't see myself that way these days. All the fat looking back at me in the mirror is blocking my view.

A Bouncy Road

Last week ended on a good note, because I was down to 208. And considering at the start of the month I was back up to 219, I accept this graciously as a small sign of progress. That was Friday morning, and then of course as we usually do, we headed off for the weekend. And I ate too much. Travel, a wedding, lots of hours and miles on the road. Those are pitfalls that I have yet learned to avoid. I don't know what it is about being on the road, but it opens up the floodgates for my bad habits like no other situation can. It would be okay if we only went out of town once in awhile. But for James and I, a weekend at home is a rarity.

We have a big vacation coming up very shortly, with many many days on the road and in hotels and eating an estimated 27 meals out! I will blow up like the Snoopy Two if I do not rein in my willpower and engage my brain cells when ordering from a menu. Just look at me in the photo above, standing beside the bride over the weekend. Of course, she is probably a size 0 or 2- that is unless they make negative sizes. I look four times bigger than she does! This photo may hurt my ego, but it is the truth. I will never be a size 2, yet I would be over the moon with delight to be a size 12!!! But I will be back into a 20 real soon if I don't start making wiser decisions.

Sandy

What Crappy Timing

Although James and I work together, we are on opposite sides of the building and get to see each other pretty much just when James happens to walk by my cubicle on the way to elsewhere. And this week is a crazy week for him, and he is working late evenings. Of course I've sort of been missing his company. So I suggested we go out to lunch together today. Some weeks, we go out 2-3 times a week for lunch. But most days, I just sneak out to my car, relax in the peace and quiet, and read a good book. Today I just wanted to spend a few minutes with my hubby.

We are located near an interstate exit, and the only thing around are the typical fast food venues, and a really great Chinese restaurant. But, I can't behave at a Chinese restaurant, I haven't found anything healthy there yet except for steamed veggies- bleh! So I told myself, and then told my husband, let's go to Chick-Fil-A and I will be good and order a grilled chicken sandwich instead of the regular breaded one that I sosososososo love. "I'm sorry, our chargrill machine isn't working," the young lady said to me at the counter when I ordered. Apparently it had just broken and would be another hour or so before it was fixed. Well, crap! Now what? I have limited time I can take for lunch, so going somewhere else didn't enter my mind- next door is McDonald's and across the street is Wendy's- not much better choices.

So I went ahead and ordered my same ol' meal, the breaded chicken sandwich and just sighed a deep sigh of "this is always my luck" and ate it and enjoyed the time spent with my husband. I know some folks can probably do without eating out, but our life does not really fit in with that. We are out of town way too much, and if we are not "out" of town, then on weekends we are at least out and about, running errands here in Newnan, or hanging out up in Atlanta just for the heck of it. And besides, we truly enjoy eating out, and I can't imagine being so strict that I would just cut out all restaurant meals altogether. I know someone who was on a famous diet that I won't name- (but the initials are J.C.!!), and she wouldn't eat anything other than the program's boxed meals. A group of us went out to dinner one night, and she sat there sipping on water and frankly, looking quite miserable and acting mad at the world- she wasn't enjoying herself and the rest of us weren't enjoying her either. I don't want that to be me. Well, I might be mad at the world, but it's not because I can't enjoy a good Italian dinner out with friends on occasion.

The one thing I love about Weight Watchers is that it allows for any and all foods, and it never dictates what you can and can't eat. It just forces you to keep track of, and monitor, what you do eat and to watch portion control. And anyone who goes to WW also knows they have their wonderful "Dining Out" guide that I love. Mine is worn out, with a thousand handwritten notes and highlighted meal choices on every page. And the restaurants that are not in the WW guide, I've gone online to find the nutritional information, so I can translate those numbers to the "points" system WW uses. And I've also used this website for years, which WW sort of frowns on (because they don't oversee it & it uses their info and formulas), but it's a useful aid for me so I use it anyhow. There are almost 600 restaurants and fast food chains listed here, with their nutritional info and points values. (WW's guide only has 134 restaurants......)

I think you can successfully lose weight and still eat out. I don't think you can do it without having all the right knowledge and tools available. I know the common sense ones- that fried is worse than grilled, that something swimming in cream sauce is artery-clogging, and that restaurant portions are usually 3-4 times what I really need to eat. But, unless I had looked up the info, I never would have guessed an order of the chicken nuggets at Chick-Fil-A is quite a bit healthier than the chicken sandwich. Unfortunately I found that out tonight, because I wasn't carrying my guide with me today. But when we go out of town this coming weekend, I can promise it will be tucked right there in my purse with me the whole time......

Sandy

(photo of a chicken- yes it is because I took it)

Dinner For One

Today was a very weird day for me food-wise, yet also very normal, and probably one of the reasons I struggle so much. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat the wrong things, I just didn't eat what was good for me nutritionally. Not a praiseworthy day, but certainly nothing tragic either.

I did stick to my WW points, and I drank water water water all day. The last week or two, I've even been replacing a lot of my floury snacks (crackers, etc.) with fruit instead. I have forced myself to eat breakfast every morning, high fiber cereal and almond milk, and even traded in regular old sugar on my cereal for Truvia (man, good stuff, why does it have to be so expensive). I've added a few low fat dairy items to my lunch bag, too, because James pointed out that the reason I probably never have any energy is because I never eat any protein. The sausage on my pizza last Saturday night not withstanding.

But tonight was very typical of me and my decision making process. James had to work later than usual. And although I had salads all prepped for dinner, I just turned my nose up at it. I would be dining alone and felt like I could do whatever I wanted for my meal. After throwing in a load of laundry, what I truly wanted to do with my night off was sit by the fire , put in my "spa" Zen CD, and finish the last 40 pages of the paperback I've been deep into. Which is precisely what I did. And somehow relaxing by the warm fire on the couch and cozying up with a good book and a big bowl of salad just didn't sound as good as popcorn. So I turned to that old single girl standby for dinner, and I did make popcorn. But it was air-popped, so no greasy calories to mess up my WW tracker.

Now James will fuss at me undoubtedly, because he will eventually get home tonight (it's 8:30 now and no sign of him) and I will serve him the big salad I've already made and placed in the fridge to keep cold, and I will sit with him at the dining room table so I can talk to him and see how his day was. And he will ask me what I had for dinner, and I will confess it was popcorn, and he will insist I should have had some of the salad. And I won't disagree. I know I should have had a big bowl of greens and carrot and tomato and cuke, but I just wasn't in the mood.

Seems like my "moods" get me in trouble with my weight loss efforts. I'm not in the mood to exercise, I am in the mood for lasagna and garlic bread, or I'm just not in the mood to even think about any of it at all. If my mood is stress, I may binge eat straight from the pantry- I've been known to eat dry pasta right out of the box just because it was the only "crunchy" thing in the house. But if my mood is happy, I may overeat at a restaurant with my husband- smiling across the table at the man I love just makes me want creme brulee.

I know I can't control my "moods", but I can certainly control the choices I make during those times. I just have to learn how.

Sandy

It's Been A Long Time

Well I am back and I promise it's to stay, if you will have me. And I promise I will be back on here regularly, if only to keep myself motivated. And motivation is something I just for some reason can't seem to wrap my hands around and hold onto for very long lately. Or maybe ever.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and fumbling around lately. This isn't much of a weight loss blog if I'm not going to A- lose weight and B- blog! I considered canning the whole project. But lately it seems like I've done nothing but make all the wrong moves and I didn't want to regret deleting this blog. So today I am finally going to set the wheels of my train wreck diet back on track. I know, and most of you who are reading this know, that losing weight is probably one of the hardest things we will ever do. At least those of us who have battled it most of our lives. And I have. But just because something is difficult, doesn't mean I can't keep plugging away at it, even if I have to "start over" a million times.

The last few months I have used every (lame) excuse I can think of to sabotage myself. I'm tired, I'm busy, my back hurts, we were out of town. And while in my mind that may get me a free pass from exercising (although it shouldn't), it has nothing to do with my diet. Being busy hasn't stopped me from zipping into McDonald's on the way to work. Being tired hasn't kept me from sneaking down to the cafeteria and getting a Coke and bag of chips from the vending machine. Being out of town has nothing to do with putting all that extra sugar and creamer in my giant-sized morning coffee. I have been living off junk food and sugar and carbs and caffeine for months now, and I am amazed at how the human body can continue to survive for so long without taking in any true nutrients whatsoever.

I have always been an all or nothing kind of person, and it has done nothing but set me up for failure time and time again. If I blow my diet at breakfast, I just throw away the rest of the day. If I have a horrible Monday, I just give up for the whole week. And if I don't have time to get on the treadmill for at least an hour, I don't even consider just maybe doing 20 minutes instead of nothing at all. If I caved in and had a cookie at my morning break, I just let go of the idea of eating an apple for my afternoon snack. It's like once I make a mistake, my mental state breaks down as well, and some little switch in my brain shuts off- the one that normally would tell me to go drink another glass of water! I don't know if anyone else goes through this or not. It's like one little screw up gives me wide open permission to just make more of them.

After spending the weekend looking at my options- stay heavy and unhealthy or bust my ass and take control of my life- I would love to simply take the easy way out and just say to heck with it all and be okay with it. But I am only 43, and I have SO many more years left and I just don't want to spend the rest of them struggling to get up off the couch, or getting winded while I walk around the plus-size section of Wal-Mart. I am back to the one program that has always worked for me, and that's Weight Watchers. Today I wrote down everything in my food journal, and stuck to it. And even though I've been down in my back lately, I made myself do1.5 miles on the treadmill. It's only "Day One" but I haven't had any Day Ones lately at all, so that was the first hurdle for me to get over. And I did. And tomorrow it will be another hurdle as well, and I know every day after that, it will always be a mountain to climb and I will always be tempted to just fall to the wayside.

Weight loss is not going to magically happen, and no one can do it for me BUT me. Support from family and friends is wonderful and makes a big difference, but they still can't burn the calories or drink the water for me. I've even fessed up and changed my weight on my tracker for all to see (I haven't been 200 for months now). I don't expect this to be easy, I know I will struggle, but I always know that with the struggling and the commitment to the struggle, eventually success will also come. I may be out on the rock ledge all by myself, but there is no one else out there who is going to do this for me!

Sandy