Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So A Funny Thing Happened.....

Not funny ha ha, but funny ironic. My morning started off with me listening to one of my favorite songs, with the opening line Tilling my own grave to keep me level. Although the song is about drug addiction, and I've listened to this song a thousand times, the lyrics really struck me right in the noggin today. And it made me think, that's what I'm doing with my life, I am tilling my own grave with my behavior, and that behavior does keep me level in the negative sense that it's same old same old and it never improves, it never gets me better or healthier, and there is no forward momentum.

Both of my doctor appointments went fine today, they were just routine yearly exams. My physician was so out of breath and overwhelmed today- it was her day to leave at noon and she was obviously rushing around, and her pager buzzed the whole time I was with her- that she barely had time to even listen to me, much less harass me about my weight. Which I might add is back up to 225. I was not shocked, I've been weighing at home even if I have been avoiding Weight Watchers. My clothes have been too tight, even outfits I had stuck way back in the closet, waiting for those "I feel fat" days. So I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon (hey, I was burning one of my coveted paid personal days from work so I was going to enjoy it) running a few errands and shopping. No surprise there either- if I'm in town, I will make it over to the stores, for whatever reason I can come up with! (My husband will attest to that with a healthy "You can say that again!" right about now.)

On my list of errands today was to stop by the gym, if I could remember how to find it after such a long absence- kidding, it's across from the Target shopping center, so of course I know where it is!! Last spring, I signed a year long contract, with I think two extra months thrown in. As far as gyms go, I think it's about $28 a month, so it's not too draining. It's a very very nice gym with top notch equipment and classes, and they are now building a swank state of the art facility next to the Belk's (yes, I definitely know where that is), and current members will get locked in at this cheap rate for the new gym next year. But I digress and long story short, I haven't gone to the gym since, well, since going back to work in October. My intent today was to stop in and tell them not to continue my membership, since the contract runs out next week. That was my intent. (Okay, this is the part where my husband is starting to scowl.)

Back-tracking to earlier this morning, where as usual I was feeling like a tired old fat slug. After I finished with my first early appointment, for which I had to fast, all I really truly wanted was a cup of coffee. What I ended up getting was a steak, egg, cheese bagel with mayo, hash browns, and a Coke which I refilled before heading out the door (my husband knows exactly where I ate). Then to kill some time before my next appointment, I did the aforementioned shopping, starting at Ulta where I laid down a small fortune for hair care and skin care products. (See my July 4th post.) Not long after that, I made my way to the gym nearby. I was astounded to see, I am not exaggerating, at least 100-150 cars in the parking lot. I went in and stood at the front counter, and I watched all the people streaming by me and checking in, at least a dozen or more in about two minutes. From teens to elderly white-hairs. When the young man behind the counter finally approached me, I said............"Hi, I haven't been in awhile, and I've lost my swipe card, do you think you could get me a replacement so I can start coming again?"

Yes, I am not making this stuff up. It came out of me, totally unexpected, and totally unplanned. But I did not waver once it came out of my mouth, because something down there in me knew it was the right thing to do. (Now this is the part when my husband shakes his head and thinks yeah, sure- you've paid for the last seven months and not gone, now when it's time to cancel you suddenly decide you are going to start going again?) And he would be completely right to ask me that to my face. Truth be told, no one on the planet would be happier for me, if I started going back to the gym, and no one would be more supportive and encouraging than my husband. But James knows I have a tendency to talk about what I should do, and then make excuses when it comes time to do them. And on that point, he is right. Hence finding reasons to skip my WW meetings the last oh, six weekends?

So after I left the gym, completely confused on what had just happened, I asked myself that age old axiom- If not now, then when? Then I thought, and if not now, then why not now?? I could not find a single good excuse to those ponderings. But folks, for me, deciding to go back to the gym was a good excuse to go buy new workout clothes and a cute new gym bag (okay, now THIS is the part where my husband just groans in defeat).

Will report back here as to how well I am adjusting to this new attitude. I know working full-time and with a commute, it is going to be a stretch to get to the gym after work, instead of just cruising on home, but I will fight that "old me" and that old way of thinking. Plus I have an interesting project I am working on, that I want to post when I have it ready. Soon!


(Me, St. Thomas, 2008- I did not want to be fat for the cruise this year, but I only have 3 months to go now, so no bikini for me THIS trip!)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day of Reckoning

So tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for the last few weeks. My annual physical. When I made the appointment some months ago, I actually marked the date on the calendar with goals in mind. I wanted to walk in and face that ridiculously antiquated scale out in the middle of the public hallway, and get on it without making the typical excuses "Oh, I'm sure my shoes and clothes must add at least ten extra pounds!" I wanted to walk in and have the nurse tell me my blood pressure is normal, instead of her asking "Your BP is a little high today, are you just nervous to be here?" I wanted to walk in and not be afraid of giving blood- no I'm not scared of needles, just the results of my cholesterol and blood sugar counts. I wanted to walk in and have my doctor tell me I can go off all my meds!! I wanted to walk in and watch the line on my weight loss graph that she keeps on her computer, go down a whole lot- instead my cute little line will shoot up as high as my blood pressure surely will be.

But instead, I will simply not meet any of those goals at all. My doctor is a sweet young lady, and she is not going to fuss at an old fart like me, not that it would do any good. I certainly know I'm overweight, and I know my BP is too high, and I know last year my cholesterol was borderline.

I had hoped most of all to go into my appointment and be able to report progress to my doctor, on all the great changes I had made with my weight, my exercise, my health, my life. Instead I will go in as the same old me with the same old dumb excuses.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Hit Or Miss

Well I do not have much to say today, but I wanted to get on here and say something. Sometimes I feel that if I don't have positive "progress" to report, then I have nothing worthwhile to post. But, this is my struggle, and I am guessing if you are reading this, you are struggling too. I know many of you have found your answer, and you work towards a healthier life every day, and I enjoy reading your blogs. My travels seem to always have me moving forward one step and back two. Right now I feel like I am at an intersection where I must choose which direction I need to continue. Hopefully the road I pick will not be fraught with continued whining and self-pity.

I haven't been to Weight Watchers since early June, and I emailed my leader this week to tell her not to give up on me, I will be back. I have no weight loss whatsoever to report here, which makes me sad and mad at the same time. While in Florida, my mom and I shopped at my favorite hometown store, and I bought all my clothes for the October cruise, including a gorgeous dress. But, instead of buying clothes too small and "hoping" I would fit into them by then (haven't we all done that?), I faced the facts and bought clothes that fit me currently. Everything was a 2X top, and an 18 pants. That's what I am today. I bought everything with tank sleeves- I will be in the Caribbean after all- and I don't care that my upper arms are flapping with excess fat. My gym membership expires this month, and considering I haven't been since last year, it is time to let that go as well.

Not to say that I am giving up! But I continue to be in limbo, and I continue to search for strength from deep within me to win the battle. It's too bad my worst enemy is myself! The struggle to make the right decisions should really be nonexistent, because there is nothing standing in the way of me eating right and exercising, except for me. And yet I every day get in the way of myself working towards any goal. And it is only going to get harder, as I have already started increased hours at work that will take me into the beginning of next year. One day last week I went in at 6:30 am and worked like a demon until 9:30 pm that night. I depended on caffeine and sugar to fuel my body and mind through the hours, and that can't go on day after day, week after week.

I always spend so much time and money on looking my best on the outside, with the right jewelry or purse, or spend an hour at Ulta trying to pick out the perfect shade of hair color or toe nail polish, and my big worry these days is finding a cure in a jar for the wrinkles around my eyes. I wish I spent a fraction of the energy on making the right choices to take care of myself on the inside. I know what the answer is, and it's not bacon cheeseburgers and fries, or Starbucks, or falling asleep on the couch.