Coasting

Last week was a bit of a bust.  I was sick with a stomach bug all week, spent three straight days in bed without getting up.  The next few days I was able to crawl to the couch.  That was pretty much it.  But I now have proof that the Fitbit works, because it recorded ZERO activity points for me on those days!  I didn't make it to yoga, didn't make it to Weight Watchers, didn't make it to the treadmill.  My husband had to pick up my slack and do the housework.  I couldn't even walk down the driveway to get the morning paper.  Sure I lost a few pounds, but only because I didn't eat much while I was sick.  Not really a long-term solution!

I am seriously in need of motivation and goals.  I feel like I am just drifting along.  I say I'm on the Weight Watchers program, but I haven't tracked food in so long I've forgotten what my daily points total is supposed to be.  I thought our upcoming vacations would be enough motivation.  We will be in Florida next week, and Hawaii in January, and I had promised myself I would lose weight before both trips.  In Florida, I wanted to shop for new clothes for Hawaii.  But since I haven't lost any weight at this point, I'm not sure that new clothes serves any purpose- it will all be the same big plus sizes that I already have in my closet- who wants more of that?  If a two-week cruise to Hawaii isn't enough to get me to shed the extra pounds, what is?  Every year when we go on a cruise, I come home and look at the photos and I just want to throw them away.  It seems that every vacation, there is something we didn't get to do because of me- I was tired, I was hurting, I didn't feel as though I could physically continue.  We probably will never have the chance to go to Hawaii again- I do not want to come home from this trip with any regrets!

I'm still carrying extra weight from our cruise in September.  It didn't come off me as easily this time.  I was looking back over the calendar for this year, and I was at my lowest in April.  Today I'm 14 pounds more than I was then.  I had just finally gotten down into the 1's, but I couldn't stay there.  I am frustrated.  Frustrated with me, with my non-progress, with my lack of any real hard work.  I have all the tools right here at my fingertips.  I have no excuses- no job, no children, a husband who is gone almost 13 hours a day.  I live in a quiet neighborhood with no traffic, I have a treadmill and TV and iPod set up in the basement if I don't want to walk outside.  I have access to all manner of fresh fruits and vegetables and healthy groceries and clean water.  I subscribe to all sorts of health magazines, I have online tools and apps and a fitness monitor.  I have new sneakers sitting in the closet.  So what is my problem?  I have the things that some people can only wish for, and I feel like a fraud for choosing not to use any of it.  Why can I not only stay on track, but get ON the track in the first place?

I don't want this post to be about self-loathing, that doesn't help the situation.  And I don't want it to be a lot of whining and lame excuses.  I've got to reach down there inside and find some kind of drive and desire to keep me focused.  What is it about me that, instead of putting on my walking shoes and strolling up and down my street, I sit down in front of the TV and watch another episode of "Bones" that I've already seen a dozen times?  What is the answer?  Even today, I'm supposed to be packing and cleaning the house in preparation for leaving on Friday afternoon, and instead I'm spending my time on unnecessary things like making chicken stock and working on pottery.  I can't seem to stay committed to the main task in front of me.  Apparently this is an issue that goes way beyond just my weight loss efforts.  I get in my own way, and make it more of a challenge than it needs to be.

I've repeatedly set goals for myself, some daily, some "at the end of the month I want to weigh...." type goals.  Nothing ever seems to come from that.  Even daily notes to myself- "two miles on the treadmill!!" don't seem to move me in the right direction.  One step at a time.  My WW leader says to make the goals small, doable, so I will feel as though I have accomplished something instead of feeling as though I've failed.  I can't even get the little goals crossed off my list.  Why is it that living a healthy life and making commitments and the right decision, is 90% mental!

SANDY