So A Funny Thing Happened.....

Not funny ha ha, but funny ironic. My morning started off with me listening to one of my favorite songs, with the opening line Tilling my own grave to keep me level. Although the song is about drug addiction, and I've listened to this song a thousand times, the lyrics really struck me right in the noggin today. And it made me think, that's what I'm doing with my life, I am tilling my own grave with my behavior, and that behavior does keep me level in the negative sense that it's same old same old and it never improves, it never gets me better or healthier, and there is no forward momentum.

Both of my doctor appointments went fine today, they were just routine yearly exams. My physician was so out of breath and overwhelmed today- it was her day to leave at noon and she was obviously rushing around, and her pager buzzed the whole time I was with her- that she barely had time to even listen to me, much less harass me about my weight. Which I might add is back up to 225. I was not shocked, I've been weighing at home even if I have been avoiding Weight Watchers. My clothes have been too tight, even outfits I had stuck way back in the closet, waiting for those "I feel fat" days. So I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon (hey, I was burning one of my coveted paid personal days from work so I was going to enjoy it) running a few errands and shopping. No surprise there either- if I'm in town, I will make it over to the stores, for whatever reason I can come up with! (My husband will attest to that with a healthy "You can say that again!" right about now.)

On my list of errands today was to stop by the gym, if I could remember how to find it after such a long absence- kidding, it's across from the Target shopping center, so of course I know where it is!! Last spring, I signed a year long contract, with I think two extra months thrown in. As far as gyms go, I think it's about $28 a month, so it's not too draining. It's a very very nice gym with top notch equipment and classes, and they are now building a swank state of the art facility next to the Belk's (yes, I definitely know where that is), and current members will get locked in at this cheap rate for the new gym next year. But I digress and long story short, I haven't gone to the gym since, well, since going back to work in October. My intent today was to stop in and tell them not to continue my membership, since the contract runs out next week. That was my intent. (Okay, this is the part where my husband is starting to scowl.)

Back-tracking to earlier this morning, where as usual I was feeling like a tired old fat slug. After I finished with my first early appointment, for which I had to fast, all I really truly wanted was a cup of coffee. What I ended up getting was a steak, egg, cheese bagel with mayo, hash browns, and a Coke which I refilled before heading out the door (my husband knows exactly where I ate). Then to kill some time before my next appointment, I did the aforementioned shopping, starting at Ulta where I laid down a small fortune for hair care and skin care products. (See my July 4th post.) Not long after that, I made my way to the gym nearby. I was astounded to see, I am not exaggerating, at least 100-150 cars in the parking lot. I went in and stood at the front counter, and I watched all the people streaming by me and checking in, at least a dozen or more in about two minutes. From teens to elderly white-hairs. When the young man behind the counter finally approached me, I said............"Hi, I haven't been in awhile, and I've lost my swipe card, do you think you could get me a replacement so I can start coming again?"

Yes, I am not making this stuff up. It came out of me, totally unexpected, and totally unplanned. But I did not waver once it came out of my mouth, because something down there in me knew it was the right thing to do. (Now this is the part when my husband shakes his head and thinks yeah, sure- you've paid for the last seven months and not gone, now when it's time to cancel you suddenly decide you are going to start going again?) And he would be completely right to ask me that to my face. Truth be told, no one on the planet would be happier for me, if I started going back to the gym, and no one would be more supportive and encouraging than my husband. But James knows I have a tendency to talk about what I should do, and then make excuses when it comes time to do them. And on that point, he is right. Hence finding reasons to skip my WW meetings the last oh, six weekends?

So after I left the gym, completely confused on what had just happened, I asked myself that age old axiom- If not now, then when? Then I thought, and if not now, then why not now?? I could not find a single good excuse to those ponderings. But folks, for me, deciding to go back to the gym was a good excuse to go buy new workout clothes and a cute new gym bag (okay, now THIS is the part where my husband just groans in defeat).

Will report back here as to how well I am adjusting to this new attitude. I know working full-time and with a commute, it is going to be a stretch to get to the gym after work, instead of just cruising on home, but I will fight that "old me" and that old way of thinking. Plus I have an interesting project I am working on, that I want to post when I have it ready. Soon!

Sandy

(Me, St. Thomas, 2008- I did not want to be fat for the cruise this year, but I only have 3 months to go now, so no bikini for me THIS trip!)

Day of Reckoning

So tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for the last few weeks. My annual physical. When I made the appointment some months ago, I actually marked the date on the calendar with goals in mind. I wanted to walk in and face that ridiculously antiquated scale out in the middle of the public hallway, and get on it without making the typical excuses "Oh, I'm sure my shoes and clothes must add at least ten extra pounds!" I wanted to walk in and have the nurse tell me my blood pressure is normal, instead of her asking "Your BP is a little high today, are you just nervous to be here?" I wanted to walk in and not be afraid of giving blood- no I'm not scared of needles, just the results of my cholesterol and blood sugar counts. I wanted to walk in and have my doctor tell me I can go off all my meds!! I wanted to walk in and watch the line on my weight loss graph that she keeps on her computer, go down a whole lot- instead my cute little line will shoot up as high as my blood pressure surely will be.

But instead, I will simply not meet any of those goals at all. My doctor is a sweet young lady, and she is not going to fuss at an old fart like me, not that it would do any good. I certainly know I'm overweight, and I know my BP is too high, and I know last year my cholesterol was borderline.

I had hoped most of all to go into my appointment and be able to report progress to my doctor, on all the great changes I had made with my weight, my exercise, my health, my life. Instead I will go in as the same old me with the same old dumb excuses.

Sandy

Hit Or Miss

Well I do not have much to say today, but I wanted to get on here and say something. Sometimes I feel that if I don't have positive "progress" to report, then I have nothing worthwhile to post. But, this is my struggle, and I am guessing if you are reading this, you are struggling too. I know many of you have found your answer, and you work towards a healthier life every day, and I enjoy reading your blogs. My travels seem to always have me moving forward one step and back two. Right now I feel like I am at an intersection where I must choose which direction I need to continue. Hopefully the road I pick will not be fraught with continued whining and self-pity.

I haven't been to Weight Watchers since early June, and I emailed my leader this week to tell her not to give up on me, I will be back. I have no weight loss whatsoever to report here, which makes me sad and mad at the same time. While in Florida, my mom and I shopped at my favorite hometown store, and I bought all my clothes for the October cruise, including a gorgeous dress. But, instead of buying clothes too small and "hoping" I would fit into them by then (haven't we all done that?), I faced the facts and bought clothes that fit me currently. Everything was a 2X top, and an 18 pants. That's what I am today. I bought everything with tank sleeves- I will be in the Caribbean after all- and I don't care that my upper arms are flapping with excess fat. My gym membership expires this month, and considering I haven't been since last year, it is time to let that go as well.

Not to say that I am giving up! But I continue to be in limbo, and I continue to search for strength from deep within me to win the battle. It's too bad my worst enemy is myself! The struggle to make the right decisions should really be nonexistent, because there is nothing standing in the way of me eating right and exercising, except for me. And yet I every day get in the way of myself working towards any goal. And it is only going to get harder, as I have already started increased hours at work that will take me into the beginning of next year. One day last week I went in at 6:30 am and worked like a demon until 9:30 pm that night. I depended on caffeine and sugar to fuel my body and mind through the hours, and that can't go on day after day, week after week.

I always spend so much time and money on looking my best on the outside, with the right jewelry or purse, or spend an hour at Ulta trying to pick out the perfect shade of hair color or toe nail polish, and my big worry these days is finding a cure in a jar for the wrinkles around my eyes. I wish I spent a fraction of the energy on making the right choices to take care of myself on the inside. I know what the answer is, and it's not bacon cheeseburgers and fries, or Starbucks, or falling asleep on the couch.

SANDY

Hello!!!

Hi all! I am still here. If you want to read about my problems with Google and Blogger, you can look at my other blog. But everything is good now, so I can start blogging again. Just got back from vacation in Florida, and if you look at the photo above (battered and deep fried hot dog!), you can guess what I was doing down there. Yes, I gained more weight than I want to discuss here. But James and I said today, summer vacation is over, now it's time for us to get serious and get cracking on our exercise and weight loss regime. I dread going to Weight Watchers on Saturday- I haven't been in three weeks- but I will be ready to face the music and get back on track again. Seems like in this blog, I am always talking about starting over again. I probably should change the name of the blog to "Chasing the Wagon", because I never seem to get up on it and stay there!! Ha ha! Talk to everyone again soon!

Sandy

Weigh In #3: -0.2 lbs

Well I'm struggling right along as usual. I wish I could be on here more often, but work right now is very demanding, and I've been putting in 1-2 + hours of overtime every day for the last month (hope to afford that new Burberry purse soon, ha ha). The overtime is likely to continue through this entire year and into the beginning of 2011, as we go through a major computer system conversion. My stress levels are admittedly high, but I've been pounding it out on the treadmill almost every night now. I would love to be on the blog every night, but by the time I get home from the office I have time to do one "me" thing and these days it is exercising. (It helps counteract the ocean-like amounts of coffee/sugar/creamer I have at work every day.)

Although, I did have a loss at this week's Weight Watchers meeting, and as small as it was, I will take it! It was in the right direction! I was surprised, because we ate out a lot over the Memorial Weekend (above), since we were away from home for the holiday. I continue to eat too much of the wrong thing whenever we go out, but thankfully in the real world (work and home), I eat fairly healthy and have been exercising more regularly now. We have another huge vacation coming up in just two weeks, where we'll be gone out of town for over a week. I mentally plan out how I will eat right and walk in the mornings while we're gone, but it never seems to work out that way. Instead I relax, enjoy sleeping in, and try every yummy sounding appetizer on every menu.

I love my WW leader Marci, and her mantra lately has been for all of us to think like a thin person would. She said we don't have to wait until we've lost ALL the extra pounds before we start behaving like the person we want to be once we're at goal. The tidbit she passed on to us- Act the way you'd like to be, and soon you'll be the way you act! Not sure if that's her original quote, but I wrote it down anyhow. She also said that we have to concentrate on letting go of all the ways we've always done things (the things that got us overweight to begin with), and to instead create new habits. Her acronym for habit- Having A Bite Involves Thinking! Ain't it the truth. And sadly, sometimes I think about the bite, but I still do it anyhow. That's the part I have to change.

I do love going out to eat with my husband and our family and friends, but I know it's more about spending the time with special people, not chowing down on a huge plate of pasta. The food is secondary to the conversation and company. Knowing that mentally and putting it into practice, well, I'm still working on it.

I keep a photo in my WW book, of me at my absolute heaviest (even more than the photos I have on my sidebar). It was well before I met James. I was at a low low point in my life, in an unhappy place with both myself and my first marriage, and I had pretty much just given up and accepted that this was how my life was going to be forever, and I didn't care about anything, not even myself. I think I was in my early thirties at the time. I can't tell you what I weighed then, because I stopped getting on the scale. I will be 44 this year, and I just can't ever see me being in such a state of mind again. The weight and the self-hate were a vicious cycle that I thankfully broke about seven years ago. I may still be fighting with the sixty or so extra pounds, but I really DO care about myself, and I want to make sure that everyone else around me can just look at me and know that I love myself and feel joy about life and that I'm taking care of myself the best that I can!!

Sandy

Weigh In #2: -1.0 lbs

Well, not a great loss, but it was a loss so I will take it! I know I didn't do a great job with my eating this week, but I did a good job on the treadmill. Considering the amount of overtime I worked this week, I was proud of myself on the nights when I was just bone tired, but got on the treadmill nonetheless. My goal is to get up to two-three miles every night, right now it's been just a few nights a week, but I know it will be an ongoing process with ever-changing goals and strategies. This week, I am changing my eating plan- last week I attempted to have "variety" every day so I wouldn't get bored, but it lead to a lot of rummaging through the pantry and fridge, and I found myself getting off track. This week I am going the polar opposite and setting a daily menu (with points calculated!!) and sticking to the same menu every day. I want to see which way is more likely to work for me in the long run. If it means having turkey on whole wheat every day for lunch, then if that works, so be it!

Sandy

Why I Still Hate Shopping

I've posted before about shopping for clothes, and I think every plus-sized woman (who the hell thought up that phrase anyhow?) has gone through that love/hate relationship with the dressing room mirror. I am beyond the "does this make me look fat" stage- because I am over 200 pounds and I am fat, and clothes don't hide that!! And while my favorite store for clothes, Kohl's, has larger sizes that are a step above other stores, I still get annoyed with my choices.

Tonight I went through it. I stopped at Kohl's to take advantage of their big sale, and because I wanted a few new tops for this summer. I have a tendency to shop for work clothes before I will casual clothes. And the other night when we went to the Braves game, it took me almost an hour of trying on clothes to figure out what to wear- getting dressed in the morning for the office takes about five minutes. I don't have a lot of T's or cotton tops, mainly because I don't really care for unforgiving cotton- which on me tends to accentuate every roll and bulge. And so I don't have a lot of good tops for summer. The few that I have that I love, this is probably the third or fourth summer I will be wearing them, and they are starting to show it.

Summer is a hard time for me when picking out clothes. I'm okay with shorts or crop pants, but when it comes to tops, I don't have much luck. A short-sleeved fitted cotton T doesn't do as much to cover everything like a big flowing peasant blouse in the winter. And I've been known to wear long sleeves into the office during August- here in the Deep South- just to hide the jiggly fat above the elbow. Or, if I do get a cotton top, I end up getting 1-2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear, just so it won't cling to me and show everyone right where my bra straps start and stop.

But I digress. So tonight I went to Kohl's, and while I was standing there in the "Women's" department (which I'm not sure why it's called that, because a 43-year-old who wears a medium is still a woman- you don't have to be overweight to qualify for that title)- which is right next to the "normal" sizes. And as I'm looking over at the oh-so-cute outfits on just the next rack, I'm holding up big frumpy shirts with way too obvious bright colors or designs. Like a giant pink butterfly across my midsection is going to draw your attention away from that area. But, I came home with a bag full of clothes nonetheless. Which made me wonder- if I was a medium (not the psychic kind, because I would already know the answer to the question), and the clothes that I bought tonight were right there in a medium among all the other cute clothes I saw tonight- would I have bought these same tops? Or did I buy them simply because they fit and they were all I had to pick from?

I realized that no, I would probably not have purchased even one of the items I brought home, if I'd had all the choices that I saw over in the Misses department. Not that I hate any of the clothes I bought, I just hate the fact that because of my weight, my choices are so limited. I've blogged about this before, but tonight just seemed to remind me of how the plus-size clothing industry is SO SO way off the mark. Why can't they take those same cute tops I see over in the regular sizes (I guess I am irregularly sized), and add a little more fabric and cut it a little more generously, and make it in my size!!

Sandy

A Fun Tool

I just wanted to show off a wonderful diet and exercise journal that I found at Barnes & Noble, but I also found it on Amazon as well. I've been through a lot of diet journals over the years, and of course I love all the Weight Watchers trackers and journals provided at the meetings. But this log book has it all! It came out in 2007, and for anyone interested the ISBN is 978-1-7418-1135-3. I am in my third week of using it and so far I have no complaints about this one!

The journal is good for an entire year, with four pages devoted to each week. In the front of the journal are several pages to record current statistics and write down personal goals. Plenty of room for me to write down everything I eat every day, and it also has a place to track your carbs and your protein, which aren't really components of figuring out my WW points, but it's still interesting to track it. I like the extras, like the Hunger Scale for every meal, and I particularly like the area where I can notate "possible diet-busting" events for the week.

At the end of each week, there's a page for weekly totals. Extras that I've not seen in any other journal include a place to track your sleeping habits, your mood, your energy level. I've used these areas to make a lot of notes that I'm hoping will be helpful when I look back on the whole week. I think if you click on these photos, it will give you a closer view of the details.

The last page for the week is to track all your exercise. So far mine has just been the treadmill, but I have all my free weights next to the treadmill and I plan to start using them very soon- to help strengthen my problematic back issues as well as build muscle/burn more calories and fat.

At the very back of the book are monthly summaries for every month, with every statistic and goal imaginable. And there is even place to put your photo every month, so you can watch your progress and transformation. I don't have a photo in there yet, but I am currently cruising through our recent photo album to find one for my "starting" place. I definitely already have "the worst" photo of me ever in my Weight Watchers weigh-in book. I am a long ways away from that photo, but I still have an even longer way to go.

Just thought I would share this diary with anyone who is looking for one concise place they can record it ALL!

SANDY

Weigh In #1: -4.2 lbs

So I made it to my first weigh in this morning. The Weight Watchers meetings are at this church. I've always gone to an actual WW center, but the only way I can stick with my favorite leader Marci is to find her here. I lost 4.2 pounds, for a two week period, because I didn't go to last week's meeting. I like the Saturday morning group better than the Thursday night group. A lot more folks go on Saturday, so it's better participation in the group discussions, plus a lot more tips and ideas from the members. It feels good to go back to WW. I've always lost the weight while attending the meetings, but I have to have the meetings in order to keep me on track. Since I've found a leader who I truly adore- she's very energetic and spontaneous and upbeat- it makes it easier to get to the meeting every week. Because I want to see her. And because I "want" to go to the meetings, I have to stay on track with my eating for weighing in. I know a lot of people out there lose weight without ever attending any kind of meeting, or following a commercial diet plan, but I know from past experience that Weight Watchers works for me personally. And it works well. So, here's to starting off on the right foot!

Sandy

I Can Do It

So this is the photo of me that everybody in the family just loves, when I was a lot thinner and before I cut off all my hair. It was taken in spring 2004, and after having reached my highest weight ever just a few years earlier, I was down to about 150 here, and just fitting into a brand new pair of size 12 jeans. Which I wore twice, and which are still in my closet as my ultimate "clothes goal". How did I lose the 90 pounds, all in 2003? With devotion to Weight Watchers, my treadmill, and my Leslie Sansone DVD's. Although I had the right tools, I unfortunately had the wrong mindset.

This is going to be an honest post that I hope doesn't offend James- he's heard it before anyhow. But, in 2003, I was SO angry and frankly, disgusted, with my ex-husband that I found every way and every reason to avoid him. When he would come home from work, I would go into another room and stay on the treadmill for sometimes two hours, just to get away from him. Or I would put on headphones and go walk the neighborhood around and around, just to be out of the house. My Weight Watchers gave me a reason to be gone from the house on Saturday mornings, to meet up with a girlfriend and fellow member afterward for coffee and long chats. I would live off Lean Cuisines, but by that time the ex and I no longer sat down to meals together anyhow.

I remember being on the treadmill every evening, listening to my music loud, and pounding out all the frustration and unhappiness- and I would go as long and as hard as my body would let me, sometimes until I was completely exhausted and the bad feelings were just drained out of me. The result was, of course, the weight loss. And yes the result was fantastic, and everyone back home was just amazed when I came to visit (when the photo was taken). But at the point of this photo, the ex was out of my life, and James was in it, and the anger and bitterness and sadness and all the other things I had been feeling were gone. I was happy and finally in love with the right man. No suppressed fury to pound away on the treadmill, no heaviness in my heart that needed uplifting with music and a walk around the block.

And no, this story is not to imply that James had anything to do with me gaining most of the weight back. Of course not! The fault is with me, because when I lost that weight in 2003, I did it for the wrong reasons. Not for my health, not for myself, not for a better life. The whole time, with every mile walked, with every pound lost, I felt like I was shedding the heavy weight that was on my shoulders from a bad marriage, and that had nothing to do with my actual physical weight. Once that marriage was over, once the burden was lifted all at once, I relaxed. With everything. And that included the exercising and the eating. I can't explain it. It was as though my anger was driving me, motivating me, and once the anger was gone, so was the motivation. I had the physical tools to get me to goal, but I did not have the mental tools to keep me there.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. But I know that I have my first weigh-in with Weight Watchers tomorrow, and I am very happy to be back there again. And this time, it's NOT because I'm mad at anyone, that's for sure!

Sandy

Moving Forward

My hubby is so sweet, he picked these "flowers" coming back from lunch and brought them by my desk. I made the "vase".

Anyhow, I am back on here with finally some encouraging and motivating reasons for me to stay on the blog more frequently. I finally started going back to Weight Watchers. I've only had my first initial meeting, and this Saturday morning I go in for my first weigh-in. I was able to find my leader who taught the meetings I went to for most of 2009. And she has meetings here in Newnan on Thursday evenings (I can barely get there after work), and on Saturday mornings. I'm going to plan for the Saturdays, unless we are out of town, and then I have Thursday as an option.

I haven't been great at keeping my points this week, but I am getting used to it again, and easing my mindset to that direction. Tracking is easy- I write the points down in my book. But looking at food for its points value, I've got to get used to that again. I've been shocked at how many points some of the things have that I've been relying on the last few months- my yogurt (not fat free), soy milk, rice crackers. And while I was trying the gluten-free lifestyle (I have given that up, it did not help my psoriasis one bit) I was not really watching my fat intake on certain items (like rice chips!).

We've been going out a lot, and went out of town this weekend for the holiday. But I am definitely tracking my points. I've got all my WW gear from before- to calculate my points and to track them every day. And I keep my "Dining Out" guide near at hand with my thousands of notes and highlighted food choices. I find it incredibly easy to keep to my points when I eat at home, or bring my lunch to work. But, as in the past, I struggle when I am "out" of my comfort zone. When we eat out- whether it be a restaurant or fast food joint, or at someone else's house, or a sporting event- I really really falter. Enough, it seems, to undo the good I've accomplished on the days I feel more "in control". Of course, I am ALWAYS in control of what I eat and how much, and I am learning to work my way through that mentally again.

For now, I am happy to report that I am making progress, and I am looking forward to getting back on track with Weight Watchers and my fabulous leader Marci. I know WW works, because I've lost loads of weight with it. But without it, I seem to instead lose my way and the pounds creep back on me.

After this week's weigh-in, I'm going to update my counter at the bottom of my page to coincide with the WW scale. And I'm going to add an exercise ticker back again, to keep track of my walking. Thanks for everyone who has been hanging in there with the slow going on this blog. Hopefully now I will have more to talk about! Soon!

Sandy

Style Over Substance

Well I did go scale shopping over the weekend, and had no trouble picking one out. We found them in several stores, and it seems that everyone had them on clearance. I guess the rush of New Year's dieters had passed, and the extra overstock was on sale! I did not go for a fancy scale with any kind of memory or charting or whatever. I just picked one that shows my weight. And I picked it because it was just SO cute! I love the design. This scale shows I've lost a few more pounds over last week, but I don't know if it's really weight loss, or just weighing on a new scale. I'm going to wait until one more weigh-in before I change my ticker to show my progress.

Still going gluten free, although I'm disappointed in the results as far as my skin issues go. No improvements, zero, nothing. Today is just as bad as any other day- itchy, scaly, burning. So I don't think I have a gluten sensitivity as I had suspected, and I'm not sure what the next step will be for my skin. I do admit I am feeling a lot better overall these last two weeks, with a lot more energy. I suspect it has more to do with giving up the junk food. I do still snack, but since I gave up gluten, I rarely have processed foods and try to keep the carbs to a minimum. Now instead of munching on crackers, I am eating nuts and dried fruit. I have been taking at least three fruits to work with me every day- normally an apple, an orange, and grapes. And even though I'm still not crazy for yogurt, I am finding flavors that I like that are marked "gluten free". And now when I get my daily craving for crunchies- instead of hitting the vending machines for cookies or chips- I've been carrying a little bag of dry cereal- rice cereal, of course, since it's gluten free.

And, as always, I am trying very hard right now to watch my portion sizes.

At home we've been making changes as well. Our kitchen counter is loaded down with fresh fruit. No chips in the pantry. No ice cream- not even the low fat Weight Watchers brand- in the freezer. And we are eating fresh vegetables at dinner, instead of boxed potato mixes or frozen concoctions with sauces. I am getting to the point where I really enjoy having a giant salad for dinner instead of meat and starches. Not to say I don't miss mac & cheese, or that I don't crave a hot dog.

I am still trying to find the right balance. I know my gluten free experiment is probably not going to continue after another 2-3 weeks, and while I plan to continue with the way I am eating right now, I also plan to have some whole wheat carbs again- I have really missed my high fiber cereals! But of course they are all whole wheat, and a gluten no-no.

I haven't seen a number on the scale start with a '1' since, oh, maybe 2006. So right now my goal is to get below 200 and if I can do that, it will be monumental for me. I am so close right now, but still have a lot of hard work ahead of me. Of us. Because James and I are a team, and however I cook at home, however I shop at the grocery store, will ultimately improve his health as well.

Sandy

Scaling Back

Well, still scaling back on the gluten, that is. And I can't say that so far I've seen any improvements with my skin ailments. However, I did commit to go gluten free for at least one month, and I'm not going to give up so soon, after less than two weeks. It has certainly NOT hurt me at all to give up the processed snacks and junk food, even if I'm still itching and scratching away.

But I will be upgrading my actual scale very soon. The scale we've been using for the last few years met with an unfortunate accident over the weekend- no I didn't get mad at it and drop kick it. So this weekend I will be scale shopping. I have been looking at a few models online. I know that scales now have some really cool features, almost like mini computers, where they can record and save all your weigh-ins and even (supposedly) calculate body fat. I'm not sure I need all of those extras- I don't have a problem with weighing and recording it on my calendar by hand. Well, I have a problem with the results, but no scale on the market is going to just show me what I want it to, without me doing the hard work to earn it.

I am happy to report that before my scale bit the dust, I had already lost the few pesky vacation pounds I brought home with me. I give credit to giving up the snacks, because that's the only thing that has changed with me lately. With my ongoing leg muscle issues, I still struggle to get any exercise in. I look forward to the day when that will no longer be a reason (or excuse) for me to be able to get on the treadmill every single day! The time change and warmer weather lately has encouraged James and I to play basketball in the evenings after work. James more than me, but I stink at it anyhow. But, even so, I get more exercise chasing the ball after all my missed shots than I do standing in one spot shooting!

Catch up with you all soon!

(137.5- right! Not any time soon! And not for the last 20 years!!!)

Sandy

Charting A New Course

Back from the big vacation finally; rested and now chugging right along at work. Amazing how it is all "still there" for you when you return! But before Monday morning rolled around, I headed to the grocery store to restock my fridge and pantry with the things I will need in order to eat gluten free. I am on day three now, and as far as I know, I am eating no gluten! I say that because I am still reading up on the subject online and the few books that I found on Amazon. I still have questions on some items, if they have gluten in them or not- my coffee creamer at work, that irresistible hunk of Parmesan, mayo for making egg salad? So I may have consumed some gluten unknowingly. But to the best of my ability, I have given up gluten for this experiment. I do not know if this will lead to any weight loss, but so far I have been eating only whole foods like fruits and vegetables, brown rice, lean meat.

I am finding plenty of "okay" snacks and cereal that are made from rice or corn, but I still am reading labels because a lot of flavorings (malt) are actually gluten- even if the word "wheat" does not appear anywhere. So microwave popcorn has been replaced with plain air-popped, and my old high fiber cereals have been set aside for Rice Chex. I am trying to cut out caffeine right now as well, and this week I've only allowed myself one cup of coffee a day, in the mornings. My afternoon cup has been replaced with either hot tea, or decaf coffee (perhaps because by the end of the day in the office, there is plenty of decaf leftover). I wanted to quit wheat, caffeine, and sugar cold turkey, all at one time. But I got so sick on Monday with upset stomach, and a blinding headache so bad that James had to drive me home from work. That was after only TWO days of no caffeine. Better to slowly wean myself from it. I don't keep caffeinated sodas in the house, so once I get away from the office there is no temptation.

Vacation was about having a good time together and relaxing and enjoying the precious week away from the daily grind. I indulged in every food group imaginable- pasta, pizza, burgers, steak, Japanese, Mexican, ice cream, cake, junk food, Coke, Starbucks. All the old favorites. I realized it was going to be next to impossible for me to start a "new" program while on vacation. So I carried my notes and books on a gluten free diet and studied them while we were gone so I would be ready to start right away once we got home.

Although I plan to stick to a whole foods lifestyle no matter what (I am just too doggone old to continue to have Pop-Tarts or a bag of animal crackers for lunch at my desk), it will be trial and error for the gluten. The magazines call it an "elimination diet"- getting rid of one potentially troublesome component of your diet, and seeing if your symptoms improve. Or hopefully, disappear. My main reasons for eliminating gluten are skin-related, but I certainly have many of the other symptoms of gluten sensitivity like body aches and fatigue (well, I mean, who doesn't?) and I am curious to see if giving up wheat will clear up the problems I've had for long years and the new conditions that have cropped up recently. Articles I've read said that many people who gave up wheat saw improvements with their skin within days.

My father-in-law, who is very knowledgeable about good health through diet, provided me with several handouts and a few books to help guide me. He sticks to a very very clean diet and knows more about clean eating than anyone else I've ever met. I just wish he would share his willpower with me! Today I got a whiff of someone's pizza at work and thought I would fall out. It's going to be a very long month or so. I will update soon.

Sandy

(No, I didn't lose weight, this is just a super big chair at the Ripley's in Gatlinburg.)

That Darn Tootin' Gluten

Okay, so this isn't wheat- just the weeds growing in the empty lot across the street from us, but I didn't have any other photos to go with this story.

After a lot of research and many evenings of feeling like crap and wondering what I can do about it, I have decided to go gluten free for awhile. It seems like many of the issues I'm dealing with right now, are also symptoms of an intolerance to gluten. And since I am a carb queen, it won't hurt for me to see if indeed gluten is the culprit behind my recent physical ailments. I have decided that once we get back from vacation, I will give up gluten. All the way, not just some foods, and not just some days. 100%. That is the only way I will find out if I have a gluten intolerance or not. Yes, I know there is a blood test I can take, but if I stop eating gluten and my symptoms improve then that's all I really need to know to keep me going.

By the time we return from our trip, it will be a few days before April. I am going to spend the entire month of April learning to eat gluten free. We don't have any trips planned or family coming to visit, so it seems like a good time to start this new venture. The reading that I've done says that as many as 3 million Americans are gluten sensitive and don't know it, they just feel crummy all the time and get misdiagnosed with things like IBS or chronic fatigue. And if April goes well, then I will aim for one more month gluten free, and then etc etc etc.

I was very uneducated about what gluten is. I thought I knew enough about it because I read a lot of health magazines. I just assumed that since gluten was in bread and pasta, that it meant gluten was in all carbs. Not so. Things like rice or potatoes or corn do not have gluten in them. Neither does sugar, thank you! But unfortunately almost all processed foods do, and I rely heavily on frozen dinners or pre-marinated meats and fish or bottled sauces to doctor up dishes. No more. It will be strictly whole foods like lean meats and veggies and fruits. No crackers or sodas or spaghetti or salad dressing. Nothing that comes out of a box or a bag or a jar. I know they make gluten free breads and cake mixes and pastas made from funky stuff, but for right now I don't plan to experiment too much with that.

As always, my focus is to lose weight, but it's also to be healthy overall and feel better and have energy and live a life that I can love. Although I won't be blogging while we are on vacation next week, I look forward to coming home and starting on this new phase of taking better care of myself. And recording it here. It may work out, or it may be a big flop where I just can't give up bread, or it may turn out that even if I stick with this it may not cure my ills. I know right about now, my husband is reading this and will say that he supports me in any decisions I make. He is more than willing to eat a whole food diet, sans carbs, and hopefully we will both benefit from this.

But until then, I have nine days on the road of eating to (dread) look forward to and enjoy. Everyone take care until I get back!

Sandy

Budget For My Belly

Will eating cheap equal eating less food and less calories? I don't know, but we are planning to test that theory very shortly. James and I are counting the days and hours until our vacation commences next weekend, and my husband has been working very hard to plan out our many days on the road. We have all our hotel reservations made (one of them, above), James signed us up for a show one evening, we are going to a zoo, several museums, a birthday party, even a hall of fame. All sorts of fun stuff that you will see over on my other blog eventually.

And as I've blogged about before, one of my biggest challenges in trying to lose weight is eating out. I usually eat as though I will never ever get a chance to enjoy that menu ever again- even if it's a local pizza place. I have trouble treating the experience as quality time spent with the man I love, and instead act like I am auditioning for a spot on the competitive eating circuit. And on vacation, James and I have a tendency to be even more relaxed with our dining out practices. But we are going to try to set rules for this trip.

James and I know we have to eat out all our meals the entire time, but we are going to try to keep a tight food budget this trip. That's something we've never really done before, but we realized the other day that sometimes- okay, a lot of times- we overspend and overeat. Not sure if the two go hand in hand or not. For instance, this past Saturday at the Hard Rock, we both ordered burgers with fries- before the tip it was almost $40. A recent Sunday lunch at Red Lobster ran us almost $50. And while that's okay for an occasional splurge, we don't want to spend $100 a day on food, especially because we will be gone for nine days.

All but one of the hotels we're staying at have complimentary continental breakfasts, so we are going to save money by starting off our days with a free meal. I just have to remind myself that it's unlikely there will be a sudden bagel and cream cheese shortage any time soon- in other words, there is no need for me to indulge in one of my favorite breakfast "treats" every single morning, which is what I always get on vacation. Most hotels offer much healthier alternatives like yogurt, fresh fruits, whole grain toast, skim milk and cereal. There are many other choices for me to make besides doughnuts or danishes.

We are going to try to eat light lunches- no $25 shrimp lover's feast platters or $15 blue cheese burgers with endless onion rings. Yet we don't want to waste our taste buds- and feed our fat cells- by only sticking to the 99 cent menus at the fast food places either. Since this trip will be a little more leisurely than some of our others, I think we will have more time to make wiser choices instead of being starved and saying "Oh thank the stars, I see a Cracker Barrel up ahead!" We do have one very indulgent dinner out planned here, a place I've been wanting to visit for a long time now, but other than that, I see no reason for us to treat the evening meal as a pig out fest.

I plan to bring plenty of bottled water and healthy snacks for the truck, too, because I have a tendency to run amuck in the convenience stores whenever we stop for gas or a bathroom break. I can't remember the last time I walked out of one without anything. Usually a Coke and bag of chips.

This is the first of three big vacations this year, and since right now I am so down about my weight, I want to do everything I can to keep moving in the right direction. I love James, but he knows that he needs to lose weight as much as I do, and I feel as though if we don't work as a team, we will never succeed individually. And there is no better time to depend on a teammate than a long vacation together!

Sandy

Today Is Another Day...

...And tomorrow will be too. And here is the beautiful sunrise this morning to prove it. Taking it one day at a time this week and not doing too badly. I guess my last post upset my dad and my husband. My dad sent me a very heartfelt and encouraging email, and my husband has started me on a month-long assignment to help my self-esteem issues. Sorry, I was whining and feeling sorry for myself. But I was just frustrated with myself and my lack of commitment or willpower or however you want to put it. It seems as though the only thing that is stopping me from losing weight is actually making the effort! I have all the right books and support system and exercise equipment. It is time for me to get my act together.

I am disappointed that I won't reach the goal weight I set for our vacation in two weeks, but on the other hand I'm happy that I found enough blouses and jeans that fit me at my current weight, and I am ready to pack and even more ready to GO. But, I have two more vacations coming up this year, and I am going to have- and keep- a good attitude and believe that I will move closer to goal before our trip to Florida in the summer, and then our cruise in October. James and I have taken five cruises now, and with every one I look back at the photos and instead of enjoying the stunning scenery or reliving the fantastic moments I just say "I'm so fat! I hate these pictures!" I am not going to let that happen this year, and I must must MUST take control of my life and move it in a positive direction.

No more whining, and no more excuses on this blog, I promise.

If anyone reading this has any firsthand information they can share with me about eating a gluten-free diet, I would be interested in hearing about it. I've been doing some research online about a long-time (and very very painful/annoying) skin condition I have, and a lot of stuff cropped up repeatedly about gluten allergies and intolerance. And seeing that I eat such a carb-laden diet, I can see where a gluten issue might concern me. Please, if you have any ideas or stories or info you want to share, I am listening!

Sandy

Whatever

I want to blog every evening, but it seems that at the end of the day I have nothing positive to say, and I get tired of whining, so I just don't want to post anything.

I am having deep self-esteem issues with my weight this go round, even though I'm in my 40's and you would think those days would be a thing of the past. But, with just the little bit of weight I have regained since going back to work- a small number but enough to send me back into a bigger size of clothing- my confidence level has just spiraled downward lately. And of course all of that frustration and self-doubt gives me anxiety over the smallest things anymore, and I get overwhelmed or stressed out, I feel blue or defeated, or the worst of them all- I act pissy. It seems like every negative emotion I have been experiencing lately, I can connect the dots and draw a line straight back to my weight. Whether it's my lack of energy to do housework that leaves me feeling worthless and lazy, or the way I fit in my clothes that makes me feel frumpy and unattractive, or the days when I say I give up I can't do it and I just excuse myself to have a few cookies to take the edge off. And however I am feeling at the moment, I have trouble hiding it from the rest of the world, and lately it's been manifesting itself into negative behavior that is out of character for me. I hate the way I feel anymore, and I don't just mean physically. I hate the way I feel about myself.

James always says, "Why do you get so down on yourself all the time?" and he is right, I do. No one else beats me up about my weight, no one but me. No one else makes me feel bad because of the number on the scale, no one but me. No one else is calling me lazy because I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, no one but me! I have no other issues in my life to cause me such unhappiness. I have an absolutely phenomenal husband, I have a great job, we both make good money and enjoy it, all of our family is still alive and healthy, we have a beautiful home and many many nice possessions and we travel more than we stay home. There is nothing that I could ever want for that I don't already have, from the love of a wonderful man all the way to my collection of Dooney purses and everything in between! My life is as perfect as I could ever ever want it to be.

But my body- my weight- is an ENORMOUS black cloud hanging over that life, constantly drenching me with cold depressing rain and forever threatening to zap me with a white hot bolt of lightening! And my hate for that extra 60+ pounds I am carrying, just overshadows all the other positive parts of my daily existence. I think about my weight and my size constantly, almost every minute I am awake. From the time I get out of bed in the morning and have to put on clothes for work, all day long at the office whenever I have to walk down the hallways in front of other people, and then in the evenings when it comes time to decide what to have (and how much) for dinner. My weight probably takes up about 90% of my thoughts during the day. That can't be healthy!!!

I have no excuses, and yet I make them all the time. It seems as though since I started this blog, I have only talked about losing weight, and what I "plan" to do or what I "hope" to accomplish. There is very little in the way of results here, or success I can share proudly. Talking about losing weight, wishing I can lose weight, making plans to start losing weight- that phase of my life is pointless anymore. I have talked it to death, I have started umpteen food journals and exercise logs, I have rejoined Weight Watchers at the start of every year since 1994 now. What I want to do and what I've been doing are a galaxy apart. Some days I feel like I need to build a space ship just to get to where I want to be, and I'm no rocket scientist.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know it's hard, and I don't know what the secret is. But I am having a hard time right now just being happy with my life- because of my weight, and I can't seem to live in the moment and I rarely find enjoyment in just being alive and being me. Going back to work was exactly what I wanted and needed, and on certain levels it gave me a boost of confidence, but it didn't last long. It's been less than five months now, and the shininess of a new job has worn off, and I am back to being dull and tired and fat and full of self-pity. At least that's how I feel. I don't think anyone out there looks at me and sees those things, because I still get all dressed up for work and try to look my best and always smile and run around the office energetically trying to get all my work done. People always think of me as friendly, hard-working, smart, funny, pretty, whatever.

I just don't see myself that way these days. All the fat looking back at me in the mirror is blocking my view.

A Bouncy Road

Last week ended on a good note, because I was down to 208. And considering at the start of the month I was back up to 219, I accept this graciously as a small sign of progress. That was Friday morning, and then of course as we usually do, we headed off for the weekend. And I ate too much. Travel, a wedding, lots of hours and miles on the road. Those are pitfalls that I have yet learned to avoid. I don't know what it is about being on the road, but it opens up the floodgates for my bad habits like no other situation can. It would be okay if we only went out of town once in awhile. But for James and I, a weekend at home is a rarity.

We have a big vacation coming up very shortly, with many many days on the road and in hotels and eating an estimated 27 meals out! I will blow up like the Snoopy Two if I do not rein in my willpower and engage my brain cells when ordering from a menu. Just look at me in the photo above, standing beside the bride over the weekend. Of course, she is probably a size 0 or 2- that is unless they make negative sizes. I look four times bigger than she does! This photo may hurt my ego, but it is the truth. I will never be a size 2, yet I would be over the moon with delight to be a size 12!!! But I will be back into a 20 real soon if I don't start making wiser decisions.

Sandy

What Crappy Timing

Although James and I work together, we are on opposite sides of the building and get to see each other pretty much just when James happens to walk by my cubicle on the way to elsewhere. And this week is a crazy week for him, and he is working late evenings. Of course I've sort of been missing his company. So I suggested we go out to lunch together today. Some weeks, we go out 2-3 times a week for lunch. But most days, I just sneak out to my car, relax in the peace and quiet, and read a good book. Today I just wanted to spend a few minutes with my hubby.

We are located near an interstate exit, and the only thing around are the typical fast food venues, and a really great Chinese restaurant. But, I can't behave at a Chinese restaurant, I haven't found anything healthy there yet except for steamed veggies- bleh! So I told myself, and then told my husband, let's go to Chick-Fil-A and I will be good and order a grilled chicken sandwich instead of the regular breaded one that I sosososososo love. "I'm sorry, our chargrill machine isn't working," the young lady said to me at the counter when I ordered. Apparently it had just broken and would be another hour or so before it was fixed. Well, crap! Now what? I have limited time I can take for lunch, so going somewhere else didn't enter my mind- next door is McDonald's and across the street is Wendy's- not much better choices.

So I went ahead and ordered my same ol' meal, the breaded chicken sandwich and just sighed a deep sigh of "this is always my luck" and ate it and enjoyed the time spent with my husband. I know some folks can probably do without eating out, but our life does not really fit in with that. We are out of town way too much, and if we are not "out" of town, then on weekends we are at least out and about, running errands here in Newnan, or hanging out up in Atlanta just for the heck of it. And besides, we truly enjoy eating out, and I can't imagine being so strict that I would just cut out all restaurant meals altogether. I know someone who was on a famous diet that I won't name- (but the initials are J.C.!!), and she wouldn't eat anything other than the program's boxed meals. A group of us went out to dinner one night, and she sat there sipping on water and frankly, looking quite miserable and acting mad at the world- she wasn't enjoying herself and the rest of us weren't enjoying her either. I don't want that to be me. Well, I might be mad at the world, but it's not because I can't enjoy a good Italian dinner out with friends on occasion.

The one thing I love about Weight Watchers is that it allows for any and all foods, and it never dictates what you can and can't eat. It just forces you to keep track of, and monitor, what you do eat and to watch portion control. And anyone who goes to WW also knows they have their wonderful "Dining Out" guide that I love. Mine is worn out, with a thousand handwritten notes and highlighted meal choices on every page. And the restaurants that are not in the WW guide, I've gone online to find the nutritional information, so I can translate those numbers to the "points" system WW uses. And I've also used this website for years, which WW sort of frowns on (because they don't oversee it & it uses their info and formulas), but it's a useful aid for me so I use it anyhow. There are almost 600 restaurants and fast food chains listed here, with their nutritional info and points values. (WW's guide only has 134 restaurants......)

I think you can successfully lose weight and still eat out. I don't think you can do it without having all the right knowledge and tools available. I know the common sense ones- that fried is worse than grilled, that something swimming in cream sauce is artery-clogging, and that restaurant portions are usually 3-4 times what I really need to eat. But, unless I had looked up the info, I never would have guessed an order of the chicken nuggets at Chick-Fil-A is quite a bit healthier than the chicken sandwich. Unfortunately I found that out tonight, because I wasn't carrying my guide with me today. But when we go out of town this coming weekend, I can promise it will be tucked right there in my purse with me the whole time......

Sandy

(photo of a chicken- yes it is because I took it)

Dinner For One

Today was a very weird day for me food-wise, yet also very normal, and probably one of the reasons I struggle so much. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat the wrong things, I just didn't eat what was good for me nutritionally. Not a praiseworthy day, but certainly nothing tragic either.

I did stick to my WW points, and I drank water water water all day. The last week or two, I've even been replacing a lot of my floury snacks (crackers, etc.) with fruit instead. I have forced myself to eat breakfast every morning, high fiber cereal and almond milk, and even traded in regular old sugar on my cereal for Truvia (man, good stuff, why does it have to be so expensive). I've added a few low fat dairy items to my lunch bag, too, because James pointed out that the reason I probably never have any energy is because I never eat any protein. The sausage on my pizza last Saturday night not withstanding.

But tonight was very typical of me and my decision making process. James had to work later than usual. And although I had salads all prepped for dinner, I just turned my nose up at it. I would be dining alone and felt like I could do whatever I wanted for my meal. After throwing in a load of laundry, what I truly wanted to do with my night off was sit by the fire , put in my "spa" Zen CD, and finish the last 40 pages of the paperback I've been deep into. Which is precisely what I did. And somehow relaxing by the warm fire on the couch and cozying up with a good book and a big bowl of salad just didn't sound as good as popcorn. So I turned to that old single girl standby for dinner, and I did make popcorn. But it was air-popped, so no greasy calories to mess up my WW tracker.

Now James will fuss at me undoubtedly, because he will eventually get home tonight (it's 8:30 now and no sign of him) and I will serve him the big salad I've already made and placed in the fridge to keep cold, and I will sit with him at the dining room table so I can talk to him and see how his day was. And he will ask me what I had for dinner, and I will confess it was popcorn, and he will insist I should have had some of the salad. And I won't disagree. I know I should have had a big bowl of greens and carrot and tomato and cuke, but I just wasn't in the mood.

Seems like my "moods" get me in trouble with my weight loss efforts. I'm not in the mood to exercise, I am in the mood for lasagna and garlic bread, or I'm just not in the mood to even think about any of it at all. If my mood is stress, I may binge eat straight from the pantry- I've been known to eat dry pasta right out of the box just because it was the only "crunchy" thing in the house. But if my mood is happy, I may overeat at a restaurant with my husband- smiling across the table at the man I love just makes me want creme brulee.

I know I can't control my "moods", but I can certainly control the choices I make during those times. I just have to learn how.

Sandy

It's Been A Long Time

Well I am back and I promise it's to stay, if you will have me. And I promise I will be back on here regularly, if only to keep myself motivated. And motivation is something I just for some reason can't seem to wrap my hands around and hold onto for very long lately. Or maybe ever.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and fumbling around lately. This isn't much of a weight loss blog if I'm not going to A- lose weight and B- blog! I considered canning the whole project. But lately it seems like I've done nothing but make all the wrong moves and I didn't want to regret deleting this blog. So today I am finally going to set the wheels of my train wreck diet back on track. I know, and most of you who are reading this know, that losing weight is probably one of the hardest things we will ever do. At least those of us who have battled it most of our lives. And I have. But just because something is difficult, doesn't mean I can't keep plugging away at it, even if I have to "start over" a million times.

The last few months I have used every (lame) excuse I can think of to sabotage myself. I'm tired, I'm busy, my back hurts, we were out of town. And while in my mind that may get me a free pass from exercising (although it shouldn't), it has nothing to do with my diet. Being busy hasn't stopped me from zipping into McDonald's on the way to work. Being tired hasn't kept me from sneaking down to the cafeteria and getting a Coke and bag of chips from the vending machine. Being out of town has nothing to do with putting all that extra sugar and creamer in my giant-sized morning coffee. I have been living off junk food and sugar and carbs and caffeine for months now, and I am amazed at how the human body can continue to survive for so long without taking in any true nutrients whatsoever.

I have always been an all or nothing kind of person, and it has done nothing but set me up for failure time and time again. If I blow my diet at breakfast, I just throw away the rest of the day. If I have a horrible Monday, I just give up for the whole week. And if I don't have time to get on the treadmill for at least an hour, I don't even consider just maybe doing 20 minutes instead of nothing at all. If I caved in and had a cookie at my morning break, I just let go of the idea of eating an apple for my afternoon snack. It's like once I make a mistake, my mental state breaks down as well, and some little switch in my brain shuts off- the one that normally would tell me to go drink another glass of water! I don't know if anyone else goes through this or not. It's like one little screw up gives me wide open permission to just make more of them.

After spending the weekend looking at my options- stay heavy and unhealthy or bust my ass and take control of my life- I would love to simply take the easy way out and just say to heck with it all and be okay with it. But I am only 43, and I have SO many more years left and I just don't want to spend the rest of them struggling to get up off the couch, or getting winded while I walk around the plus-size section of Wal-Mart. I am back to the one program that has always worked for me, and that's Weight Watchers. Today I wrote down everything in my food journal, and stuck to it. And even though I've been down in my back lately, I made myself do1.5 miles on the treadmill. It's only "Day One" but I haven't had any Day Ones lately at all, so that was the first hurdle for me to get over. And I did. And tomorrow it will be another hurdle as well, and I know every day after that, it will always be a mountain to climb and I will always be tempted to just fall to the wayside.

Weight loss is not going to magically happen, and no one can do it for me BUT me. Support from family and friends is wonderful and makes a big difference, but they still can't burn the calories or drink the water for me. I've even fessed up and changed my weight on my tracker for all to see (I haven't been 200 for months now). I don't expect this to be easy, I know I will struggle, but I always know that with the struggling and the commitment to the struggle, eventually success will also come. I may be out on the rock ledge all by myself, but there is no one else out there who is going to do this for me!

Sandy

The Little (Big) Black Dress

This weekend I had one of those experiences that many overweight women dread- I had to go clothes shopping for something very specific. Not like when I normally go, on a whim, and happen to find something cute at Kohl's. And not something comfortable like pants with an elastic waistband or a billowy peasant blouse to hide everything. No, I had to find a dress for a work function in two weeks. A "business formal" dress. James has to wear his suit, so I have to look like the other half of a matching set. I don't wear dresses, in fact the last time I had one on it was a few years ago for a friend's funeral. I do have several old dresses hanging in the closet (read: dresses that are too small for me to wear now). So of course those didn't fit, and I gave up after I tried on the first two.

I actually don't like clothes shopping, and I know my husband will tell you I am full of bull and to just look in my closet. But it's true. I wear the same thing over and over again- slacks and a blouse. No skirts, no dresses, no power suits. I love accessories (purses, shoes, jewelry) more than I like the actual clothes. It's not because I'm overweight, but because I've never been froo-froo and I'm basically still a tomboy at heart. So, I don't wear a dress unless it's an absolute requirement. Say, like my wedding. But, the work function is important, a banquet where a lot of the bigwigs will be gathered, and I don't want to be the one wife who sticks out like a sore thumb. I am going as an executive's wife, but I am also an employee there as well.

I started my search here in Newnan. I went to Belk's, and had plans to go to Dillard's after that. But Belk's was depressing, and the only thing I could find that I would even wear in public made me look like a retired school marm. It was awful. I know I'm in my 40's, but this dress added another 10-15 years to me! Everything Belk's had just seemed to scream "PLUS SIZE!" I was so defeated I didn't even go to the next store. But on Saturday my lovely wonderful husband said he would drive us up to Atlanta to anywhere I wanted to go, and we'd find a dress for me. We ended up at Macy's, and I did find a dress (above). I know in this photo it looks like I'm going to a Goth rock concert, but it's actually very nice. It's by Jessica Howard, and here's the model wearing a much skinnier size...


I'm happy with my find, but not satisfied with it. I'm happy because it's formal enough and it fit and I know I will look nice for my husband at the banquet. But I'm not satisfied because I know my size limited my choices. Macy's had a large formal section with dresses in every bright color, with sequins and little straps, but not in my size. At my size, this is what I had to choose from. Why is that?